[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hi there, it's me again.

I'm dealing with a situation here with an online therapist. I see one online because I am housebound. That's why I also go to these groups here online.

Well, she and I email each other every day and I pay her with a credit card once a month.

The point is, when she doesn't get back to me on any given day, although it only happens once in a while, I still get upset. My abandonment issues still flare up like a wildfire. It's crazy! I've known this woman for a couple of years now; I should trust her by now! But I don't; I trust nobody. I don't even trust my roommate. I have known *him* for 20 years now and still, every time he leaves the apartment without leaving me a note and doesnt' come home till late, I wonder if he ran away! G*d.

So, the other night, I didn't get an email from her, this therapist, and immediately, I closed up and did not tell her how my day was. My trust was broken just like that (snaps fingers). I shifted gears and emailed her saying, "Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? Am I too needy?" She wrote back next saying no.

Well, I don't know when or if I will ever trust her.

today, I found myself not writing her at all. I don't know why. It was the second time, actually, in two weeks that she had done this, and my trust in her had been unusually shaken. it's bad enough having BPD; it's worse when I feel my distrust re-inforced when someone isn't available *twice".

I told her I understood that she had her own life and own needs and everything. I also told her about my trust issues.

But for some reason, today, I found myself not opening up to her anymore.

I don't know why.

I might be acting borderline.

It might be my feelings telling me something.

I don't know.

I thought I'd bring it up.

Thanks,

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I guess no one has any insight or answers or feedback for me here.

Oh, well.

Billi

[Michah]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

Hi there, it's me again.

I'm dealing with a situation here with an online therapist. I see one online because I am housebound. That's why I also go to these groups here online.

Well, she and I email each other every day and I pay her with a credit card once a month.

The point is, when she doesn't get back to me on any given day, although it only happens once in a while, I still get upset. My abandonment issues still flare up like a wildfire. It's crazy! I've known this woman for a couple of years now; I should trust her by now! But I don't; I trust nobody. I don't even trust my roommate. I have known *him* for 20 years now and still, every time he leaves the apartment without leaving me a note and doesnt' come home till late, I wonder if he ran away! G*d.

So, the other night, I didn't get an email from her, this therapist, and immediately, I closed up and did not tell her how my day was. My trust was broken just like that (snaps fingers). I shifted gears and emailed her saying, "Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? Am I too needy?" She wrote back next saying no.

Well, I don't know when or if I will ever trust her.

today, I found myself not writing her at all. I don't know why. It was the second time, actually, in two weeks that she had done this, and my trust in her had been unusually shaken. it's bad enough having BPD; it's worse when I feel my distrust re-inforced when someone isn't available *twice".

I told her I understood that she had her own life and own needs and everything. I also told her about my trust issues.

But for some reason, today, I found myself not opening up to her anymore.

I don't know why.

I might be acting borderline.

It might be my feelings telling me something.

I don't know.

I thought I'd bring it up.

Thanks,

Billi

Hi sweetie, sorry....had hormone brain fog yesterday.......it is good to see you talking on here.......someone does answer eventually!!

I hate you, don't leave me........those words have applied to me so many times over the years. The scope of mistrust that is indicative of borderline is infinite in its complexity. Instead of wondering WHY you feel this way in a situation, just try and accept what IS. You cannot at this point of your healing stop yourself from feeling very suspicious, all you can do is analyse where it came from and how you resolve it. Your T is probably doing the best they can to help you. I wonder if you feel that this person is "betraying" you by their tardiness in the emails. I find that I spend much time creating and maintaining order. I would no sooner turn up late to a T appointment than fly to the moon and if i have to cancel for some reason, I get anxiety at having to ring her and cancel. I feel like I am not doing enough to get to that appointment. Due to my hypervigilance, I explained the terror i feel at being late and asked that she endeavour to humour me in my eccentricities until I could learn to deal with unprdictability better. She promised me that she would do all she can to keep appointments running on time, but things happen that are out of my control.

In your situation, the control feels like it is in your T's court. You want to gain some of that power back by having the sessions on YOUR terms. You are trying to hurt your T into submission and want to make them feel as hurt and frustrated as you do. I don't blame you but this is inherently dangerous for you because it is counterproductive and you end up fulfilling your own prophecy. It is an unusual relationship with a therapist. They are not your friend, they do not love you. In reality, they do not owe you anything. But if you have a good therapist that UNDERSTANDS borderline and you are honest with them whenever you feel like your trust in them is misplaced, they can be your life-saver. Give your T the chance to defend themselves, but they can only do that if you give them ALL the information.

Honey, I had my first shrink for 7 years and I treated her very badly. I was often escorted from my sessions in the beginning by a burly nurse because i would have rage attacks and she would just smile and yell out, "see you next week, Michah. Work on those sheets I gave you, sweetie". This is even after I told her to F off and called her an #$%^hole and God knows what. 7 years she put up with me.......and she saved my life. I didn't trust her for all that time even though she put up with so much. I pushed her to the absolute limit. It is only in hindsight that I get giddy with relief and humility when I think about what she did for me.

Tell her how you FEEL.......open the dialogue......it is the first step to GETTING WHAT YOU NEED!! Give the chance to explain, let your experience be a learning curve for you T as well......it can go both ways as my T now often points out to me and she has a doctorate and been practicing for years.

Good luck babe.......you are worth putting the effort in!!!!!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hey, Micah.

Thanks for your feedback.

I honestly don't know what's going on.

I find myself these days doing this to a few people. My roommate, the T, a couple of friends. I dont' understand.

There's fear here.

And I already *have* told them how I feel.

A long time ago.

And I am *still* parlyzed with fear.

Right now, I can't seem to make myself face them.

Oh, g*d.

Billi

[Michah]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

Hey, Micah.

Thanks for your feedback.

I honestly don't know what's going on.

I find myself these days doing this to a few people. My roommate, the T, a couple of friends. I dont' understand.

There's fear here.

And I already *have* told them how I feel.

A long time ago.

And I am *still* parlyzed with fear.

Right now, I can't seem to make myself face them.

Oh, g*d.

Billi

Oh honey, I been there too. I found a quote on my other forum(not mental health related-for perimenopause) that said:

"I am going to take my cell phone to the grave so I can call people from there and ask "Can you hear me now?""

Thats a really apt quote for screaming into a black hole.

Babe, you are going to experience very intense periods of abandonement, mistrust, paranoia and vulnerability. Has your T discussed core schemas with you? Even though I am classed as having borderline "traits" now, my core schemas still light up like xmas lights sometimes by certain scenarios. The difference is that I am aware of them now and just accept that this too, shall pass. I do not give power to the core schema by "falling" into it. I observe it, accept it but do not judge it. This is called "radical acceptance". This took me many years to be able to do this.

I don't know how strong your relationships are, and i know that you have been calling for help/understanding for a while. I find that if i say to my partner "babe, I am not dealing with your statement/action/question very well. I feel hopelessly vulnerable and I need to take back some control. Please help me undertsand that you still love me and can we come to a compromise?" These skills of communication did NOT come to me easily and I am still learning. Honey, you are in this for the long haul.......pick your battles and take the path of least resistance sometimes. Try and not place too much emphasis on the understanding of others. You will feel isolated for a while but all things are in flux and constantly change. YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER!!! Since I have been so physically ill, my core schemas of vulnerability and safety have been running wild. I am housebound like you, but I enjoy the solitude(it is not for everyone!). I spend much energy processing cognitions so that they don't take over. It is very hard. But there is honour in the process. You will come out on top but you must learn to love the process(crazy, huh?). But in acceptance of what is and isn't, you free yourself from judgement and self defeating thoughts so you can concentrate on getting better.

I know how afraid you are, how isolated, how misunderstood........but this is the process of getting better. You are asking all the important questions, challenging the belief that your abandonment issues are part of your personality BUT INSTEAD, THEY ARE PART OF THE ILLNESS!!! You are much further ahead than you think you are. Can you say too your flatmate, "I am struggling with intense mistrust issues at the moment, can you please humour me by being open and honest and undertsand that this is part of my learning and i am asking you to be extra sensitive and kind for a little while". Would that help? Sometimes when you state the absolute obvious, people are less afraid of it and more stable with the process. This is how you gain respect. You are not asking them to "fix" you, just asking them to support and this is how they can do it.

You will probably repeat yourself many times over the next little while and feel like you are losing your mind......but you are not. Be proactive but do not EXPECT anything.....with the borderline expectations, people will always fall short.

There is no clear answer to your question, but I hope I have helped a bit. Paradoxically, we yearn for understanding and acceptance but are just as quick to shun it as having "two faces" and approach it with the hesitation of a wild animal should it bite us. Understand and accept this about this illness. Once you see it for how it really is, it becomes less powerful.

Your journey is not about becoming well necessarily, it is about empowerment. Taking back some of the control of the illness until you become more in balance with it. I fought it tooth and nail like some over- zealous mountain goat for years, until I realised how tired I was of "fighting". Once I realised this, I experienced moments of peace and acceptance and just grew with what IS. As long as I work hard in therapy and take care of myself, most things resolve and fall away and i am ready for the next thing. My deliverance came when I started to study kung fu and Taoism. Taoism explained many things to me in a way that was so forgiving, peaceful and intellectual. It is not for everyone, but if you are up for it, I have supplied a few links. It is not a religion, it is a philosophy. I am usually suspicious of spritual new age, but taoism has been around for a very long time. As with all things though, you have to be ready to embrace for you to gain anything from it. Do not get frustrated if it makes no sense to you. In time it might, as with all things. No expectations.......

Anyway, sweetie.......please pm me anytime if you have specifics or just want to vent. You are not on this journey alone.......

In stillness........

"If you want to be whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself become empty. If you want to be reborn, Let yourself die(philosophically speaking!-michah). If you want to be given everything, give everything up". - Tao Te Ching (Taoist proverb

http://www.crystalinks.com/taoism.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taoism

http://thinkexist.com/quotes/lao_tzu/

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Today, I've been still analyzing this and I think it might be about feeling like I'm giving up my power again.

I've spent my whole life giving my power to people and depending on them for my happiness and for feeling loved, liked and supported/validated.

I am so tired of that now.

I am so tired of being so needy.

I need to grab the bull by the horns and take back my power!

Now!

So I'm afraid if I keep telling people how I feel and what I need, I will keep giving myself away!

So I'm holding it back.

I don't want this therapist to know how much I still need her.

I was gonig thru a really rough time when she wasnt' there and I dont' want her to know that!

She couldn't do anything about it! She has her own problems and her own life! If I had told her how I felt, she couldn't have done anytnig about it! It woudl have just driven her further away.

So now I'm drifting further away from her.

I am hiding my borderline from her.

Hiding my need.

I probably don't know what I am talking about right now!

B.

All I know is thinking about talking to her now makes me feel like I am doing it again----giving up control.

[ECHOES]

I don't know what might be going on with you, but I will share that I wrote to someone for almost 3 years who was not an online therapist but who has a doctorate in psychology and was very much like an online therapist.

I was very attached to her. I did the very things with her that you are doing. She was very patient with me and kind to me. She kept encouraging me to find someone to talk to face to face---the last thing I wanted to do was 1. leave her and 2. talk to someone in person. But I decided to do it. At the time I was not housebound, as I am single and must work, but I was not leaving home to do anything besides going to work.

I took her advice and found someone to see face to face. It was hard in many ways, but I wanted to feel better. I was really broken down. How I managed to continue working is beyond me.

Anyway, this therapist I was so fortunate to find, during a phone call when I was in an awful place after one of the first few sessions, encouraged me to "Trust the process" and that is something I've fallen back on many times to get me through.
Now that I have been with this therapist for 2+ years, I am grateful I found someone to do this with face to face. I hope someday you can too.

[Fuzzybear]

[Michah]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

Today, I've been still analyzing this and I think it might be about feeling like I'm giving up my power again.Yes, it sounds like thats how you feel. But that may not necessarily be true in reality. It could also be that you are reaching a plataeu where it is becoming more comfortable to relinquish some control. Your core schemas activate because they do not want you to do that. Part of our skewed survival is the overwhelming desire for control. your core schemas will do whatever they can to stay alive. You are challenging this. It will be a very painful and confronting period.

I've spent my whole life giving my power to people and depending on them for my happiness and for feeling loved, liked and supported/validated.As have I many times!! Or I am a brick wall with eyes and haven't let anyone in.

I am so tired of that now.

I am so tired of being so needy.

I need to grab the bull by the horns and take back my power!Yes I agree, but be careful of doing it because you feel threatened......do it without anger. Do not be hard on yourself if it does not "work" straight away. Do it because you deserve it and because you love yourself enough to have it. Take it back in stillness. VERY, VERY hard but can be done

Now!

So I'm afraid if I keep telling people how I feel and what I need, I will keep giving myself away!That is fine! you lose nothing by giving something away....if you choose to!!!

So I'm holding it back.

I don't want this therapist to know how much I still need her.

I was gonig thru a really rough time when she wasnt' there and I dont' want her to know that!

She couldn't do anything about it! She has her own problems and her own life! If I had told her how I felt, she couldn't have done anytnig about it! It woudl have just driven her further away.

So now I'm drifting further away from her.

I am hiding my borderline from her.As you will with most people until you become more comfortable with it.

Hiding my need.

I probably don't know what I am talking about right now!Hun, I am having a particularly bad brain fog day and i am not making much sense, even to myself. Please keep talking about it here as many times as necessary. It is important to identify with it as often as possible so that you become a little desensitized to the trauma of it. Keep going.......you are doing well!!!

B.

All I know is thinking about talking to her now makes me feel like I am doing it again----giving up control.

Speak soon sweetie........be safe.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

At least today I got up the nerve to open her email.

Although I still didn't email her.

My plan is to just pay her this month.

I still feel that she burned me this month.

she kicked me while I was down.

She wasn't there for me when I was really messed up.

Twice.

Why can't I tell her???

I don't want her to know.

I don't want her to hurt me more.

Billi