[jmongar]

Can anyone help me find out the things I am going through that the spouse feels being with someone with BPD. I want to know more about why I react to her Illness the way I do. And I just want to not feel alone on this anymone. I know I am not crazy. But sometime I just dont have a clue of what she thinks inside her head. Why do I feel like I have been her punching bag for all these years.

[Michah]

Jmonger, Hi and welcome!! I got from your other thread that your wife has BPD, yes? Are you attempting to reconcile your marriage or have you made the decision to end the marriage? I hear you have a son.......you are a good dad for taking him dirt bike riding!!

Is your wife getting treatment(therapy, meds, hospital)? Have you had therapy as a carer? How long has your wife been battling this and where you with her when the symptoms started? Sorry, 20 questions.......just getting a baseline....

I have lived with BPD for 15 years.......10 of those years where horrendous and I feel I was lucky to survive it. The last 5 years, I met a wonderful man but residual borderline bits rise up occassionally to bite me. the difference now is that I can recognise them and with the help of my T, I can put my cognitive skills into action. Your wife has to want to get infinitely better, even on the days when she wants to give up......the illness is extremely powerful and takes great strength and courage to rise above it. Some days are better than others.

As a husband and carer, you are left with the dubious task of being her lover, her carer, her best friend and a father to your child. You also have to find time for you and not "subscribe to the illness". Afterall, you are not the one who is fundamentally suffering from it. Make no mistake .....what you are undertaking is a mountainous task.......but it is not impossible. It is a delicate and complex dance that you are performing with your wife, as do all people who live with or love people who are mentally ill. I could go on forever about this!!

I cannot help you understand the intricacies of borderline or why you feel like your wife has used you as a punching bag. It is impossible. I can only help you scratch the surface of the disorder because you are "not living it" you are "living with it". Big difference but fine line. I am not denying that she makes you feel this way. i know how you feel!! With hindsight, help, forgiveness and a bit of self love, I can see that I most definitely used people as punching bags in the irrational protection of self......the "I hate you, don't leave me" mentality. I have had many karmic dues to pay.

She must WANT to get better.......there is only so much love you can give her before she has to learn to love herself, so you can love each other together and restore the balance of mutuality. This will take much time and therapy(for BOTH of you). At the moment you feel that you are trying to love for the both of you, am I right? Forget that, you are pushing mud uphill. As she must learn to "take care" of herself, so must you.

Remember this, you are doing the best that you can, with the resources that you have. tell yourself that you are a good husband and your self-worth does not rest on whether your wife is treating you properly. You are a good father to your son and only YOU know whether your marriage is worth pursuing. If you love her without condition, get the help to support her. If you don't then you need to assess where you are and your reasons for staying.

We are here to support you whenever you need it, if you wish to PM me feel free for a more lengthy discussion, and lastly, you are not alone, okay?

In stillness........

Michah

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”Taoist proverb

[jmongar]

Originally Posted by Michah

Jmonger, Hi and welcome!! I got from your other thread that your wife has BPD, yes? Are you attempting to reconcile your marriage or have you made the decision to end the marriage? I hear you have a son.......you are a good dad for taking him dirt bike riding!!

Is your wife getting treatment(therapy, meds, hospital)? Have you had therapy as a carer? How long has your wife been battling this and where you with her when the symptoms started? Sorry, 20 questions.......just getting a baseline....

I have lived with BPD for 15 years.......10 of those years where horrendous and I feel I was lucky to survive it. The last 5 years, I met a wonderful man but residual borderline bits rise up occassionally to bite me. the difference now is that I can recognise them and with the help of my T, I can put my cognitive skills into action. Your wife has to want to get infinitely better, even on the days when she wants to give up......the illness is extremely powerful and takes great strength and courage to rise above it. Some days are better than others.

As a husband and carer, you are left with the dubious task of being her lover, her carer, her best friend and a father to your child. You also have to find time for you and not "subscribe to the illness". Afterall, you are not the one who is fundamentally suffering from it. Make no mistake .....what you are undertaking is a mountainous task.......but it is not impossible. It is a delicate and complex dance that you are performing with your wife, as do all people who live with or love people who are mentally ill. I could go on forever about this!!

I cannot help you understand the intricacies of borderline or why you feel like your wife has used you as a punching bag. It is impossible. I can only help you scratch the surface of the disorder because you are "not living it" you are "living with it". Big difference but fine line. I am not denying that she makes you feel this way. i know how you feel!! With hindsight, help, forgiveness and a bit of self love, I can see that I most definitely used people as punching bags in the irrational protection of self......the "I hate you, don't leave me" mentality. I have had many karmic dues to pay.

She must WANT to get better.......there is only so much love you can give her before she has to learn to love herself, so you can love each other together and restore the balance of mutuality. This will take much time and therapy(for BOTH of you). At the moment you feel that you are trying to love for the both of you, am I right? Forget that, you are pushing mud uphill. As she must learn to "take care" of herself, so must you.

Remember this, you are doing the best that you can, with the resources that you have. tell yourself that you are a good husband and your self-worth does not rest on whether your wife is treating you properly. You are a good father to your son and only YOU know whether your marriage is worth pursuing. If you love her without condition, get the help to support her. If you don't then you need to assess where you are and your reasons for staying.

We are here to support you whenever you need it, if you wish to PM me feel free for a more lengthy discussion, and lastly, you are not alone, okay?

In stillness........

Michah

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”Taoist proverb

Hi and thankyou! for your time. Well we have been seperated for over a year. We have been on and off for the whole marriage it seems. We live 40 miles apart and she isnt speaking to me.
We were for sometime spending more and more time together at my place on the weekends and started talkng about building up here at my place. I live on the water in northern michigan. well to set the stage to were I am now lost and confused. Debbie my wife has a 9 year old girl that I am dad to. She was born with lots of parts of her brain missing. Debbie has been carring this child for nine yrs. she never sleeps at night because of the seziers. Well anyway we were getting very close again and it was just great. My kids were spending time with her again the whole nine yards. We she didnt want to do the dirt bike thing memorial week end so she stayed home at her place. We me and my son had had this planed for quite sometime. well during the weeken she wouldnt take any of my calls and when I got home I got an email that it was over and she tried bla bla stuff. Well I that sent me back down a road that I should be use to by now but never will. Well now thats been weeks ago and when I call no answer. when I stop to see her she slams the door in my face. But last weekend she call out of the blue and acts like nothing ever happen. she wanted to come up here sunday I said fine. Well that never happen and now no Debbie again. this insanty has been going on for 7 years now and there is a huge host of more issues. But I can only type so long I hate it. But. No she thinks there is nothing wrong with her and she has to low self esteem to push it on her. No meds no nothing. I found about all of this in the last week. I have been seeing someone about this once a week and the ladie told me about this and I got to reading and owe my god this fits her to the T I mean to the T. I cant belive the hurt I feel its been very hard. I wish I had here back to when she was doing good but this time has been the worst I have seen. I know she is tired, but there is nothing I can do but pray.. Thank You for your time.
Joshua