[Michah]

Hi there everyone,

I have made an interesting discovery.......one that my T was very impressed with, especially for the fact that I came to the discovery by myself!! I am usually insightful but I have the concentration span of a hummingbird......

For the last 4 years, I have suffered physical symptoms of SOMETHING. For so long, I was told by doctors that it was anxiety, stress, fear. I had sleep studies done, blood tests, CT scans and God knows what......nothing was found. I suffered more and more.

I kept working in Pathology in a major hospital with with my scientist colleagues trying to make sense of my symptoms and worrying about my severe weight-loss. I am 176cm tall and weighed 46kgs. I was also studying science and raising a child. My partner worriedly looked on as I lost over 20 kgs in 6 months, cried a lot, vomited a lot, and stopped being able to function. 4 years of slow and painfull decline.

I self-medicated with pain killers, chinese medicine(that really helped but you can't be on it forever), marijuana to settle stomach and force me to eat, and heaps of other stuff. I had been officially promoted to having Borderline "traits" so that was not explored. I had hallucinations and ended up in mental health triage on my way to work, crying my eyes out. The nurses agreed, this was not mental health, it was something else, so insidious and covert. They helped me by sending me for sleep studies and racked their brains as to what it could be.

I finally caved at the end of 2007 and was admitted into my "favourite" mental health facility. Strangely enough, it was at the same hospital I worked at......they did not have bed anywhere else. I was an inpatient for 3 weeks. They could not work out what was wrong. I did not have the full criteria for depression, or borderline, or schizoeffective, or psychosis.......when I was discharged my GP dx me with Bipolar and started me on lithium and olanzipine.

Since then I had to give up my study and eventually my job, although my boss made it as easy as possible for me to keep it. I am now housebound and on a disability pension. The symptoms steadily got worse even with the psychotropic drugs. I have had biopsises on my enlarged thyroid, more blood tests, more ultrasounds and CT scans.

Finally, I found a dr that my Dad recommended.......he dx me perimenopausal, ototoxic bilateral vestibulopathy and my gynea dx me with Endometriosis and adenomyosis. So after 4 years of suffering immensely in ways I cannot describe, I finally have an answer. I started these peri symptoms at 31 and thats why hormones where constantly overlooked because I was too young. Not so. I have since started on hormone replacement therapy.......we shall see!! I have since been cleared by my shrinks as not having Bipolar and I took myself off the drugs. I have not felt better or worse coming off them.

This is where we get to the interesting part(I hope I have not bored the tears out of you in the lead up to my revelation!). All this trauma has triggered my borderline schemas so hard they are all going off like frogs in socks!! I always knew that stress, crisis and other stuff can trigger these nasties but I couldn't work out why suddenly I was becoming very clingy with my man, more hypervigilant with my son and my dog, fearing abandonement in an intensly uncomfortable way, fearing death but passively suicidal, rage attacks and violent nightmares and all sorts of bits and pieces.

I am thinking some of this is hormonal but some of it feels REALLY familiar.......Ahhhhh! *ping* light bulb moment.......I stopped still in the middle of a task this day and yelled into the living room "My core schemas are paying me a visit!!! Nasty little bas^&&ds!!" My family jumped into the air in fright and looked at me like I was completely mad. I said to my partner, breathlessly, "Its core schemas that are making this so much harder, Rrrighht!!" Nodding and smiling to myself for my discovery. So, much time spent on cognitive process, mindfulness and radical acceptance, monitoring of behaviour, breathing and telling them that i love my core schemas, but they need to go EASY on me. Such a struggle.

They have been activated by TRAUMA. Being touched by strangers more than I am comfortable with, having needles stuck in my neck, feeling physically weak and vulnerable, lack of physical and emotional safety, lack of support over the last 4 years by professionals and believing it was "all in my head" when I KNEW it wasn't. It is such an inetersting phenomena. With all my experience of this, I can almost see them forming and building up momentum. These core schemas are terrifying but fascinating noentheless. I guess with hindsight and a bit of wisdom you can see them for what they truly are.......don't know if it necessarily makes them less powerful, but at least they are not an unseen enemy and you have the tools to deal with them.

Thanks for indulging me everyone........very interesting

[JayS]

((((Michah))))

I'm really sorry.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by JayS

((((Michah))))

I'm really sorry.

Thanks sweetie!! and big hugs to you........aahhh we all struggle from time to time don't we? I can tell you a positive from all of this! I have been hugging people more than usual! Thats good because I have never been a particularly affectionate person.......so good lesson for me

[paddym22]

Michah

Thank you for that insight, it is very very helpful & interesting



Paddy

[Michah]

Originally Posted by paddym22

Michah

Thank you for that insight, it is very very helpful & interesting



Paddy

Cheers, Paddy......good to see you again!.......glad you got something out of it, babe