[JayS]

I don't know where else to put this so I'm putting it here.

I don't know whats wrong with me.... I'm so filled with rage right now and have the strongest urges to destroy I everything in my way.... everything I see.... I can feel the blood surging through my veins like wild fire.... I just want to get up and start smashing everything to bits.... And I don't care nor have any guilt of feeling this way.

[Michah]

AAhhh sweets, breathe, walk, run, stretch.......rage can be controlled when you know the tools to do it........help is coming........accept the rage, do not judge it, no conflict........let it pass through you, into the ground.......there is nothing wrong with YOU, this is the illness talking.......

You can do it........we are with you

[JayS]

Thank you Michah

I know help is coming.... I just wish this would go away before I hurt myself, or worse.... I really don't know why I feel this way, it's happens a lot.... but eventually does leave me.... How are you sure this is the illness?

[lynn P.]

Hey Jay,
Michah seems like a smart lady - she's right just accept the feelings and don't be afraid of them and you don't have to do anything harmful to relieve it. It's good that you know it will go away. Try to take some slow deep breathes. You can also write down your feelings or do my favourite - sream in a pillow or punch a pillow LOL. Just make sure you don't scare the cats LOL. Humor is also good for taking the edge off. I hope you feel better.

[JayS]

Thank you lynn

I like the screaming in the pillow idea so I will try that....humor is no good when it's like this cause nothing seems funny and I could never scare my cats.... but how can I accept the feelings when I don't want them?

And you're right.... Michah is very smart...also the greatest person I know.

[Rachie]

Hope you're feeling a bit better today

[JayS]

Thank you Rachie

Yes, these feelings are gone for now.... if only they wouldn't come back would be nice.

[ECHOES]

Those times of intense feelings and not know what's wrong, or why I'm feeling the way I am feeling... is the most frustrating. It just wears me out.

[JayS]

I know what you mean.... it drives me nuts because I can't figure it out and only makes me more mad

[susan888]

(((((JayS)))))

[ECHOES]

Jay, my therapist said we will try to make them not so intense... so that when they go away I am not worried about when and how intensely they will return. I think therapy has already helped with this and I look forward to feeling even better.

[JayS]

I'm on a waiting list.... I have to wait 4 months to get any help at all.

[ECHOES]

I'm sorry that you have to wait so long, but now you have begun the wait and each day it gets closer

[JayS]

I think I now know what the problem is.... I did that Mindsite test that DocJohn showed us in General Mental Health Discussion...

The test said I was positive for Intermittent explosive disorder..

ttp://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Intermittent-explosive-disorder.html

I said I was worthless and now this proves it.

[ECHOES]

Please take any quizzes with a grain of salt. The quiz is generic and impersonal and is no replacement for someone talking to us face to face.
There is so much more to what is asked in that assessment. I went through most of it but stopped because I felt it was way too cut and dried.

Also, a name applied to a group of symptoms is just that. Finding the source of the symptoms is what is important. It isn't as important that you have explosive anger, but why... where does it begin, with what event and what emotions does that event trigger... Lots to talk about and get help with.

[JayS]

That's the thing though... how can I find the source of the symptoms when I don't know what they are?... I mean, I live alone, I don't talk to anyone onless I have too... so I can't see why I get like that.... and I really hate the thought of having explosive anger, I really don't want to be like that.

[ECHOES]

Regardless, you have your thoughts and perceptions with you all the time.
Talking with a therapist will help you find those sources. It isn't something that most of us could do on our own.

I can understand that you don't want to have explosive anger. It doesn't feel good at the time it's happening or afterwards. It doesn't come out of nowhere, although it might feel as if it does. There is a starting point to it just like there is an ending point to it.

Feeling alone could be one source, wanting to be with people but not knowing how to make that happen and feeling frustrated and angry because of that would be understandable. This might sound familiar to you or it might not.
Sometimes we just deny the 'wanting' because we don't believe it can ever happen.
That can be equally frustrating and hurtful.
Being alone can also be about wanting people around but pushing them away because of a fear of intimacy, a fear of engulfment, many fears.

So it's complex and that's why it's going to be so good when you have someone to help you with these things. Your life can feel so much better and your future can open up for you.

[JayS]

You're right about all you said cause I feel it coming back... the difference is I know for a fact nothing will change and that my life is already over.

[ECHOES]

Why will nothing change?

[Michah]

Jay, my sweet.......I am going to ask you a favour........when you speak of feeling worthless, powerless and without a good basis of existing, I would like you to try and not use defeatist language when talking to yourself.......when you say I am powerless, you are saying I am afraid that I will not feel power. when you say I am worthless, You are saying I am afraid I will never feel worth.......you are using languge that DEFEATS you before you even begin.......How do you KNOW for ABSOLUTE certainty that you will never feel these things......Echoes kind of made that point somewhere earlier. thanks Echoes.

Feeling fear, disempowerment, worthlessness and all those other things are a familiar part of the terrain, for most of us.......but as part of your healing, state how you REALLY feel, but follow up with a statement like "But this is NOT forever", "Things are in flux and change constantly", " I am a human being that is important, I will accept that I will feel differently tomorrow. I may feel better, I may feel worse, but I shall unconditionally accept and MOVE through it and BREATHE".

You may not believe these statements but that is not the exercise, the exercise is in the SAYING until you do believe.

Sweets, you are a brave, intelligent, deeply caring human being.......the rage IS part of the illness, because I know it IS NOT PART OF YOU!!!

Trust me on that.......

In stillness......

[JayS]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Why will nothing change?

I'm an eternal pessimist.

[JayS]

Originally Posted by Michah

Jay, my sweet.......I am going to ask you a favour........when you speak of feeling worthless, powerless and without a good basis of existing, I would like you to try and not use defeatist language when talking to yourself.......when you say I am powerless, you are saying I am afraid that I will not feel power. when you say I am worthless, You are saying I am afraid I will never feel worth.......you are using languge that DEFEATS you before you even begin.......How do you KNOW for ABSOLUTE certainty that you will never feel these things......Echoes kind of made that point somewhere earlier. thanks Echoes.

Feeling fear, disempowerment, worthlessness and all those other things are a familiar part of the terrain, for most of us.......but as part of your healing, state how you REALLY feel, but follow up with a statement like "But this is NOT forever", "Things are in flux and change constantly", " I am a human being that is important, I will accept that I will feel differently tomorrow. I may feel better, I may feel worse, but I shall unconditionally accept and MOVE through it and BREATHE".

You may not believe these statements but that is not the exercise, the exercise is in the SAYING until you do believe.

Sweets, you are a brave, intelligent, deeply caring human being.......the rage IS part of the illness, because I know it IS NOT PART OF YOU!!!

Trust me on that.......

In stillness......

Michah

I'll try what you say...it's not that easy though.

If not for you I wouldn't have anyone... thank you