[lolo881910]

I have never been so confused and unable to distinguish reality from imagination, mainly because a lot of family issues occurred before I was even born and are now tearing my family apart. And I'm in the middle, being pushed and pulled between my two siblings and my parents. My siblings suffered physical and mental abuse from my mother who is now in denial, as well as neglect from my father who is not necessarily in denial. My mother has BPD (I'm positive) undiagnosed from childhood abuse that her mother is now denying. My father abused alcohol which ended over 15 years ago, he was rarely there, and was raised by two alcoholics as a child/adolescent). The main cause of this abuse and alcoholism in my Mom and Dad's case was the death of my brother 2 years before I was born. I, myself, only experienced physical abuse once or twice as an adolescent, each time was coupled with Mom in a state of rage. She has improved over the years, obviously, but she still is big on mental abuse.

It seems like every time I even try to speak or tell my parents about anything, she interrupts and shifts the topic of conversation to the issues i need to take care of (but I was actually getting at how I'm gradually tackling these issues). She's big on catholic religion and works at the church. She also looks to priests (instead of therapists or psychiatrists) for counseling. So she insists on linking all of the aspects of my life to religion, which tends to make me angry, because yes I do believe that religion is a good thing, but it's not always the answer. She suggests that I attend church and go to confession, which is reasonable, but does not allow me to act on my words without throwing comments at me like "you know, church is at 11..."

It really just makes me change my mind about church all together. I'm so tired of being treated like an irresponsible child. I am a responsible adult now, and I can hold myself to that. If I go to church, it won't be to feed into her satisfaction.. it will be for my benefit. To form a sense of community that doesn't necessarily involve her. Cuz she drives me nuts. I'm debating on attending church somewhere else so she can't monitor me all the time. I'm so sick of it and can't wait to go back to school. I am even thinking about getting a job so that I don't have to depend on her anymore. She provides me with the bare minimum of money for food, etc. because she suspects that I may have bad habits that she is feeding into by giving me too much allowance. And for Christmas, she bought me everything I didn't ask for. Everything I asked for was practical, things I knew I actually needed

If I'm present while she has friends over, she feels the need to humiliate me by saying 'show him your piercings, and your tattoos...' and when I don't she comes over and removes my clothing herself, and says 'this is what I work for!'... oh and I forgot to mention I get a student loan every semester. And I have a full-tuition scholarship at college. She calls me a 'spoiled brat'. Might I add that I have narcolepsy and use all of my energy and time to do schoolwork, so either way a job is out of the question. So, if I have 300 rent, 34.95 internet bill, hot water/light bill (which are all paid with my student loan until it runs out), car insurance, and car payment per month, isn't 4 years of free schooling (thanks to the hard work I did in high school) and a very satisfactory unsubsidized loan every semester a good way of contributing? I just don't understand what she has against me.. and am so tired of feeling inadequate for unexplained reasons.

One last thing, I have a broken hand because I was unable to avoid listening to her tear me apart, throw mean gestures, and interrupt me while I was trying to answer her screwed up questions. I punched a wall because that was the only way I was able to communicate my feelings. Am I proud of what I did? No. Am I blaming it on her? No. But the conversation could have been initiated in a much more mature, calm, and adult-like manner.

Now I feel like I've justified myself and made more sense of my situation. Patting myself on the back. Thank God my doctor put me on antidepressants! Everything seems to make more sense now.

Even if nobody comments, I'm still going to be in a much better mood now that I've vented it all out. Phew!

[Princess Butterfly]

[pachyderm]

I found Understanding The Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson, to be quite helpful in understanding my own mother.

[Perna]

I would work to remove myself from such a toxic person/situation. It doesn't matter what's wrong with your mother, you can only live your own life. If you parents have a bad influence on you, then get working on your own life interests and activities. Being involved with one's own stuff leaves less time to be tangled up with other peoples'.

This book changed my understanding and helped me deal with my abusive stepmother: http://www.amazon.com/Napkin-Notes-M.../dp/0960255206

[Perna]

I would work to remove myself from such a toxic person/situation. It doesn't matter what's wrong with your mother, you can only live your own life. If your parents have a bad influence on you, then get working on your own life interests and activities. Being involved with one's own stuff leaves less time to be tangled up with other peoples'.

This book changed my understanding and helped me deal with my abusive stepmother: http://www.amazon.com/Napkin-Notes-M.../dp/0960255206

[Junerain]

Is there a school counselor you can talk to, or a youth center to go to?

[Fuzzybear]