[lotusflames]

MIGHT TRIGGER - PROBABLY WILL TRIGGER

you wanna know about me? i do horrible things to people. i not only cut myself but i lie to people to stop them leaving me. i'm glad i miscarried cos honestly, i dont want a baby. not with him anyway and not at that age. but i still shouldn't be happy about it. i get drunk then complain he had sex with me when i said no. it's my own fault. shouldn't have drunk the bottle of vodka

i flirt with people all the time to get what i want and it usually works. i can tell people exactly what they want to hear even when it's not what i really feel. and yes, i have done it to you. i dont think i was ever attracted to you i just wanted sex. i love you now but i made you believe there was more and i do it all the tme. cos i'm good at making people see what's not really there and hiding what really IS there. i dont feel anything. i'm numb, broken, dead. and honestly, i just dont care anymore.

then sometimes i just cant stop myself. i need sex so badly i dont care who i get it with. i just have to have it all the time. the urge is always there no matter what i do. i just have to have it and even when i have i still want more sometimes i can do anything and everything. nothing can stop me, nothing phases me. But every little thing sets me off. i say horrible thins to people and i dont even know i've upset them. and when they tell me i dont get why cos i dont get why what i said was so bad.

yet people are allowed to hurt me. they can say what they want and hurt me cos i'm just over-reacting and taking everything to heart and get hurt too easily. so i protect myself. no one really knows me. but i cant stop the emotions. i have no way of stopping them. it's just not possible to make it all stop. the only way is to not be here. then no one can hurt me and the emotions will stop

You see, since April there have been at least 5 guys I've messed around with online. i love A to bits, we met up with the intention of sex but i didnt and still dont have those feelings for him. and it's the same with the others. i feel NO emotion at all. for anyone. physically i can be attracted to someone but emotionally I'm dead inside. so you see, it's not as easy as everyone seems to think. that i've made a decision i just wont follow through with it. it's not that at all. i want to feel something and physical pleasure is just the easiest thing right now. i've never contemplated anyone but olly before this year and i have no idea what's going on. i honestly think i'm dead inside

[Rapunzel]

No, it's not easy. It is really hard. But there is something alive inside of you that wants to feel something. It's easy to substitute physical feeling for emotional feeling, but really it only distracts for a very short time, and doesn't give us what we want or need. Still, that part that wants to feel something is on the right track. That is the part of you that wants to be alive and to be the person you would like to be, but haven't yet been able to risk exposing to the outside world. That part of you is real. And you deserve a chance, and to feel, and to have honest relationships with people you really care about and who care about you too. You can learn how to get your needs met in a way that builds relationships rather than destroying them and harming yourself.

If you aren't already in therapy, you might consider looking for a DBT therapist, or there are also other treatments that have worked for the issues you describe. You can learn more about DBT and other possibilities here, and that might help you to get started, but ultimately can't take the place of treatment by a qualified professional with experience in treating personality disorders. It really can help, even if it takes more than one try. You can live the life you deserve. And you deserve better than you think you do right now.

[Michah]

Ah my sweet........how much your post reminded me of a big 12 year chunk of my life......and even being engaged to the most wonderful man, and loving more than I ever thought possible in a healthy way......those feelings of wanting to hurt, to control, to have sex with strangers and take copious amounts of drugs.....to self-destruct......still occassionally raises its lonely head.....for it is what I resort to when I feel ANGRY!! And afraid.....and unworthy.....and numb.

I tell my man how I feel......he is the first person I have ever told......and I am honest......he is familiar with my wolfie My wolfie is another story......

Can I say something very controversial? Firstly, it took a lot of guts to write what you feel......to have that amount of insight......to be able to put feelings in to words which is never easy......and heres the shocking part.....KNOWING THAT YOU FEEL THIS IS GOOD THING! It may not change the behaviour, but you are on the path to insight, which leads to searching and questions......which leads to healing......I know you feel nothing, that you sound terribly sad, and angry and remote from yourself......but you are more within, than you think......I HEAR it in you.....even if you don't.

Babe, you are very, very precious......despite your emotional distance from people and things, you FEEL......I call it spiritual fatigue......the personality is seperate but interchangeable with the spirit......your spirit will always take care of you......and in time you will learn to take care of your spirit......

I don't know if you are in therapy at the moment, but if you are keep working and being......the rest will follow. If not, maybe(like Rapunzel mentioned, I think) get on the path to some good therapy, to help with the behaviour, to be able to vent, to have some rational discussion and coping skills.......the good spirit will follow......

Take really good care of you......no guilt......no fear......be as safe as you can be.......and get the help if you need it......things WILL change......work hard and no regrets.....we are here for the days it works and doesn't work......you are not alone, okay?

Much love and big hugs, babe.......the spirit, the Universe, the humanity is waiting timelessly and with great love for you, for you to return......for in time you will find your way back, to yourself and realise........that in all the torment.......

......you never left.

All paths lead back to the same journey........and you are on the path to GREATNESS!!!!

In stillness,

Michah