TRIGGERS TRIGGERS TRIGGERS need help analyzing

Usually when I'm upset, I write in my journal. I don't usually remember what I wrote and I will at times go back, read, analyze, and try to figure out what was going on inside me at the time. I have recently done this and I have a journal entry I can not decipher. Can anyone please try to read into this and tell me what they see?????
Rusty got off work and the first thing he did was start griping about what was on t.v. no hello, how was your day, no kiss or hug hello, nothing, just griping. Ruined my appitite. Went to bedroom, spent a few hours looking for something to watch. Gave him the living room t.v finally found fox news and got thirty minutes into it. Then he wanted to play poker online. T.v. in bedroom hooked to internet so i gave up, went to sleep. woke up around 4 a.m. was going to play games online since he was asleep. computer was messed up. spent 2 hours fixing it, had adware, viruses, malware, and tracking cookies from "adult" sites. mentioned it to rusty after he woke up. he stomped his feet and started yelling, guess i'll shut up and just start fixing it and not saying anything. finally asked for a hug around 8 a.m. tuned into a griping match again. his interest is else wear. Guess I'm just a big nothing unless he's wanting to get laid. I feel like a worthless piece of crap , no one cares. I feel I'm a mistake and should never have been born.

Sounds like Rusty had a problem at work. Don't know if he went to adult sites or not; some online poker sites aren't too great that way, can lead to all the nasties you mention.

I noticed that it looks like you tied your self esteem to his bad behavior and having a bad day. That shouldn't have much to do with you. I'd try to talk to him and, if you're in charge of the computer or if it's yours, I'd put in some site blocks, etc. with passwords. I don't know if you work or what your interests are, etc. but I wouldn't put up with bad behavior like that.

Sounds to me like you hold on very tightly to your anger and view yourself as less valuable that Rusty because you allow Rusty's needs and want to override yours.

What did you make of your entry?

What did you make of your entry? To me, I'm just confused. I get angry and my low self esteem seems to seep out alot. I know that they came from adult sights cause when I looked at the history after cleaning the computer, they were all from youporn, redtube, and youtube adult sites. See, what really upset me at the time was that he was not showing me any affection at all. It seemed like for two days all he did when I talked to him was gripe about one thing or another. Stupid things that he normally didn't gripe about. And then when I found that, it was was a stab in the gut. When things calmed a bit, and in front of my therapist, I told him how it made me feel. How he was making me feel. Things are a bit better now, but only because I backed down from the porn issue. Kinda just rolled over and took it. But I'm used to that. I've done that about everything in my life. Just to keep him. I'm afraid to lose him, but he makes me so mad. and I feel as if I can't voice my feelings of anger or I'll lose him. That is my biggest fear in life. Losing my husband. I love him with all my heart and I've lost so much already, I don't feel as if I could handle losing any more. He is the only family I have besides our four kids. Sorry for rambling. CG