I'm really angry

I'm so angry that I found out I'm BPD. I don't want to have another thing wrong with me. Why didn't anyone tell me before? Why didn't I ask? Why did I look at the paper and the diag codes? I have so much research to do. Where do I start? Why can't I just accept the diag and have it make me a stronger person instead of feeling weaker and lesser of a person? Does any of this make sense to anyone? *sigh*

(((((((((((((onlymedid))))))))

I know how you feel. I was in complete denial when I was told, then I got angry at everything then all the confusion came. You are not alone in these feelings and yes it sounds like you have to much on your plate. First I would see what is a priority in your life right now. Figuring out all there is to know about BPD and how you can get better should be your first priority. Yes that is a lot of work in of itself, but that is what you need to focus on. All the other questions, i can't answer and I'm sure if anyone else can really answer them. I know you are hurting and angry and that is okay. You can feel that and still see how you can overcome BPD. You can do this. We are here for you.

it's a difficult dx to accept if you ask me - i have it too. i think it's hard to accept cos no medication in the world is gonna make you feel any different when it's bpd. it's learned behaviour and the prospect of either therapy for a long time or it never changing are fairly crap if you ask me!

Sure it makes sense, only. But hold on for a couple of considerations. First, it's really hard to make diagnoses under the DSM-IV. You don't know yet whether you're just on the edge of BP or smack dab in the middle. So you might want to get a second opinion, just like you would if a doctor told you that you have cancer. The person who made your diagnosis is just a person, not a God. They can possibly make mistakes. So you have to question your T on how he/she made the diagnosis and whether it's clear or questionable. Second, you need to find out what KIND of BP (I or II) your T thinks you have. And whether you have a mild or aggravated case. There are all kinds of questions you need to ask and find answers to before you really know the size, shape and color of what you're dealing with. I understand perfectly how you have reacted. And your reaction is completely normal and human. But get the answers to all the questions you can think of before you make a judgment as to what size problem you're really facing. Take good care now!

You aren't all or nothing, only borderline and not also "normal". Think about the colds you have You know how some seem "mild" and others, you're coughing for a month afterwards? Some I just feel rundown with and others I end up not able to taste or smell for two days. Once when I couldn't taste we went to McDonald's for dinner and I ordered French fries and I so wanted to be able to taste those French fries but could not. Did I stop eating them? No. Why not? Force of habit and "desire". That's what borderline means to me. Force of habit and desire.

I love researching all my heath needs on the Mayo Clinic website first: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bor...sorder/DS00442

Thank you so much. It's nice to know I am not alone....not that having BPD is a good thing. I want to overcome it, but I look at it right now and feel completely overwhelmed with the amount of information out there. I will be sure to ask questions as I can....and hope that someone can answer or direct me.
Thanks again.

Oh, so even the numbers don't really mean a whole lot? Like...301.83 or something like that? I thought they each were specific. Hmmm... OK, I will have to talk to him because I am freakin' out. Thanks for the information!!

You are so right....I am not all or nothing. I love the cold analogy, it makes total sense. I need to learn things like how to stop thinking black and white. Thanks for the link, I am going to check it out now!

May I offer a suggestion about diagnostic methods which might help?

You aren't diagnosed by the illness, but by its effects.

Simply put: if you go to the doctor with a broken arm, you are diagnosed with a broken arm. If you go with liver failure, they diagnose that first.

Then they look at you more, and find fevers and rashes and high ANA counts, and you may get diagnosed with lupus which caused the liver failure. That isn't the final explanation. You may later be diagnosed with other things, for example, a reaction to a medication, resulting in lupus.

Through all of this, your symptoms remain the same.

Diagnosis in mental health is no different. You may have OCD elements. You may have anxiety. You may have PTSD. And all of these things could be describing the SAME SYMPTOM. So instead of saying, "i have one more thing," it's, "we understand more about what's going on." Nothing has changed, except that someone may have seen another way things fit together.

Ask, "How does this affect my treatment?" and expect your doc/therapist to have a clear answer. (Which may be, "It doesn't," that's still a clear answer.)

And in case no one has said it lately, let me say it: There is nothing wrong with you. You have stuff to work on, but you're fine, even if your life is hard and you can't feel like it's fine. YOU, yourself, are great and enough, and we're glad to have you here. (says the newbie, actually glad you're here.)

It's a description. An adjective, not a noun. You are beng treated and this is one way they tell each other more about what's going on with you- it's not an innate part of your DNA, it's as much a description as "broken arm" or "liver failure from lupus from medicaiton reaction."

Let it be exactly what it is, and that's all. You are still you, especially to us.

Wow, thank you so much for explaining it that way. Just because there is a label there, doesn't mean I am that label....it means that I have issues to work on and now that I know what some of them are, I can work on them in therapy. There were things I didn't know I was doing but now that I know that it's because of the BPD or symptoms of it, I can work on it. Like manipulation, I didn't know I was doing it, but once I looked at it I was like...Oh yeah, I can see where I have done that in the past. Or like my anger issues or even my self image issues.
I guess it makes me feel better knowing that these are things I can work on, they are things I can get help on and I don't have to be this way forever.
Thank you sisu, for all of that insite. I appreciate it so much!!!

Aww, i'm so glad if i can help. I have so much myself to work on. I just hate seeing people get all these letters next to their names when all the letters should do is point to symptoms, not label us forever. BPD is a diagnostic label, it isn't "What we are." What we are is people with... so it's us, it's just us, in the end.

And if you're able to question these things, that's powerful.

I have so much to work on. I hate it. But I refuse (most of the time) to live in shame over what i've been through and the bad habits i'm trying to fix- as long as i'm still trying to fix them. It may cost me my sweetheart, but i'm determined to get better. (he doesn't really understand.)

Forward, that's all. Even if we're crawling.