[jolly]

After six years of break ups with my BP partner I now realise that I could quiet possibly never fill her emotional void.

Within 5 weeks of breaking up she had sex with 4 men and told me that she only thought about me and that none of them measured up to me.

We decided to start seeing each other again but I found out she got invovled in an emotional relationship via facebook. Within 3 weeks of texting and calling him she told her mum and my dad that he understood her emotional needs within 6 minutes where i didnt in 6 years!

She told me she was attracted to him but she was more attracted to me. She would come to my place and pick out lamps and pictures. Stating that i couldn't have a particular picture because her mum had it at her house. She helped to pick out a fridge and microwave (this is our home she previously lived in). We had sex over 4 nights (sex was always exceptional).

Unfortunately I SI'd because I could not handle losing her - the pysch explained to me that i had learned to cope the way my BP ex did (I started to exhibit BPD criteria).

So after 4 weeks of texting and calling this guy who lives in another state, she stated to her parents that he was her soul mate, was in love and she was going to meet him! I read her text msg's to him, one stated that they were going to make beautiful babies!

I am starting to get my sanity back as I told her to meet him and that she would not be coming back. I have not contacted her for a week and my psych told me that this would be killing her because of fear of rejection (i am not doing this to hurt her, i am doing this for me). He said dont be surprised if she attempts to make contact with you. Also that this relationship with this new guy could not work based on them being in different states and once they meet he would not meet all of her expectations.

Someone PLEASE help explain this to me!!!!

[drod]

i went with a girl who has bpd and whom I thought i would be with forever, I love her more then i've ever loved any one or any thing but she broke up with me, thanksgiving weekend, and i was devisatated, broken hearted and desperate to get her back,

[jolly]

Hey Drod I know how you feel.

I have decided not to contact her and her mum tells me I am doing the right thing. Her parents want to get her to see a psych and I hope to god she would. Every time we have broken up I have always called within the week, well this time is different.

I had a phone call from a therapist just now who deals with BPD and she makes a lot of sense. She said that my ex was controlling the situation (by picking a fridge, having sex etc). She said that the ex was keeping me on an emotional string just in case.

She also said once this guy turns out not be the night in shining armour she will search again for someone to meet her emotional void (problem is nobody can until she gets help!)

Anybody else that has similiar stories please share and I hope this has helped you drod.

[Michah]

Ah Jolly.......you dear person. I feel your pain.

In any situation, there is only so much we can do. I can imagine how hard this must be for you, but she must ultimately want this behaviour to change in order for he to live a healthier, more loving life. BPD is certainly no walk in the park. It requires much work to heal......and time. And the work does not let up. There is no such thing as days off

I see emotional blackmail, sabotage, infidelity and so on. It is not healthy for either of you. I do not mean to sound harsh, but by you going back to her, as much as you might want to, it is enabling the behavior. From my experience, I could no sooner regulate my behavior than fly to the moon at my worse times, BUT there are still consequences. BPD or not, I had to live with the outcomes of my actions, as does your ex partner, as we all do.

I am sure that you love each other dearly, but it is not healthy. It is not good for either of you, for different reasons. I am not saying that it is dire outcomes for you guys as I cannot predict the future, but you need some time to sort out your own stuff, to heal from some of the hurt. It is very difficult to make healthy decisions when we are in the thick of the pain. Your ex also needs to fundamentally understand why this is happening and explore the idea that there are serious issues. There must be some ownership on her part of the things that go right, but the things that go wrong too. She must acknowledge the problem and get help to fix it. She must WANT to get better. You cannot do that for her.

You sound like a wonderful caring person......know that you are loved and deserve to be treated better while in a loving relationship. Take good care of YOU.

In stillness,

Michah

[drod]

hey jolly thanks for the reply . we went together for 5+ years and our entire relationship consisted of breaking up and getting back together, 90% of the time it was me who broke up, she was mean at times then incredibly loving, her smile would make me melt, she had extreme mood swings and unreasonable anger fits. i thought we were finally beginning to be on the same page and then she broke up with me, I did everything for her, but it was never enough and when we broke up i asked my self what did i to deserve that , everyone told me it wasnt you, understanding someone with BPD is very hard and takes alot of work and patience, a friend of mine told me that if that is the kind of life you want then be prepared to have a very hard and emotionally rocky life, that no matter what you do or say you cant fix them, only they can do that, and she told me that my best option would be to do is walk away and find someone more stable and suited or who is more evenly qued for me, (the friend who told me this knows both of us well.) just letting you know you're not alone and that was the advice given to me, but i know it is easier said then done, right???
=

[jolly]

Exactly Drod! Her mum tells me that she (ex) is going to see a psych (finally). I have been told that she is in termoil and must be starting to realise that something is not right. I am keeping quiet and I will wait and see how her therapy goes! She may end up with this guy but there is nothing I can do about that...or she may not, God is the only one that can answer that one!

I sent her mum a link to a BPD website which describes what is happening to a tee. Her mum tells me that she (ex) wants to view it (which is encouraging for her). She also told the ex that I sent the info and that the ex wasn't angry - in the past she didn't want me to have contact with her parents (not sure why its different now??).

Everyone is scared for her considering how quickly she is giving herself to this new guy and that he lives in another state! I hope if she reads the info and see's the psych she can make sense of what she is doing and how dangerous it is.

[drod]

by continuing communication with her mum, in directly you are maintaining contact with her, with their bpd they have a fear of abdonment, and if you broke all communication, no texts, email, or ph calls, and communication with her mum, she will get scared that you gave up and moved on, trust me, thats what my ex did, and she called me the other day because she was having a bad day and just wanted to talk to me, she wants you to maintain communication with her mom so she can keep tabs on you, she wants that...

[drod]

let me continue, my ex told me that she was dating 3 guys and she going out enjoing her life now, no commits or obligations to anyone, , why then did she call when she was having a bad day, i told her that we have broke up before but always seemed to find our way back to each other and i had faith we would again but for now its up to god, a friend told me you dont want to be her Justin, (you know just in case her other relationships fail, and they will. ) your ex is seeing someone long distance, that wont work, eventually they will meet and she will be they same with him as she was with you, Ive been tring to forget her and move on, i have good days and bad days, today is not a good day, I miss her so much, i keep telling my self im not waiting for her to change her mind and come back, but i think subconciously i am....good luck to you, cause same as my ex, she doesnt have much to offer her new relationship or you or anyone else untill she gets help, at least your ex reconizes her problems, my ex still thinks everything that happened is still my fault.,

[jolly]

Hey Drod I feel your pain, I really do!!

I miss mine too, and I did have a bad morning. Your most probably right the long distance relationship is probably doomed to fail. Her mum say's that with this guy there are no hang ups and I am sure he is telling her everything she wants to hear. My psych said she will be very apprehensive meeting him because of the fear that he will not meet her expections. I dont know who I feel more sorry for him or her?

She isn't looking past her nose right now because I am guessing she is caught up in this fantasy and is not looking at the possible consequences! I told her mum that if she removes this guy from her life and receives ON GOING therapy I would continue to see her....I dont know if this is a good idea?

As time goes by I guess i will become stronger and will contact her mum less and less.

Interestingly I was the only relationship that got past the honeymoon stage!

You and I seem like we are going through exactly the same circumstances. I guess it is so difficult for me because she is a warm, friendly, caring, very attractive women that I believed I would be spending the rest of my life with.

But as you said only God knows what will happen and I do place my faith in that. Time heals but right now its just so hard!!

[Tatyana2009]

Hello guys,

I can relate to some of the things you are saying. I have been dating a guy for the past 6.5 years. The first 4 years were very up and down with me leaving the relationship few times because he made it impossible. Everything was my fault. Could not rationalise and if he thought for an imaginative reason that I was about to leave him - he would flip. It was only when I really left, with no contact (and it was so hard....) that he got some help. He got so depressed that he went to therapy and got some anti depressants. 6 months later he was a different person. So calm, stable, reliable. We got back together and moved in together. The first years of living together was good. But then he got off the meds and became very angry. The last year has been very tough. I am in the process of leaving him because he got very controlling and abusive. He is the love of my life too, and like you said about your girl, he is too very charming and attractive, he is also very intelligent and caring. We connect emotionally and mentally and physically. But I do believe, though he was never diagnosed, that he has a mental illness that prevents him from maintaining relationships. As soon as the relatinship is secure - he creates chaos then move from idealising me to hating me... a nightmare.

All I can say - dont try so hard.... I have tried and gave my soul and 7 years down the line I dont have much to show for it...

It has to come from the person. I hope for him that he will get help and for your girls too. And I wish you both peace of mind. x

[drod]

hey tat thanks, its been 4 months for me and its not getting easier, I truly believed we would be together forever, and jolly i was with her longer then her other 4 marriages she had combined... i adored her, her smile would make me melt.. i have been kind of seeing a new girl lately and she tells me she crazy about me, my friends and family all love her, she is normal, has no bpd disorders, and i should be thrilled and moving on, right?, well im trying but i still cant get my ex out of my head, i dont know what to do about that... i also know that at least for right now if my ex wanted me back i would break off with this new girl in heart beat and even though i know that would be the wrong thing to do, i prob still would go back to her, because of how much she hurt me, my family now dislikes her, and im sure her family feels the same about me, so why would i want to put my self thru that??? LOVE or is it just plain insanity??

[jolly]

Thanks 4 your post Tat any input is greatly appreciated.

Well Drod I think you should take the next step with this girl and see if u can find that place u used to be in. You wont know unless you take the next step. But I know where u r coming from.

I am going to find out tomorrow if this girl at work is interested. I get certain vibes from, looks etc.

When I attempted to take my life she came straight to the hospital and left her name with the hospital nurse.

When I got picked up 4 drink driving and sent a good bye text to my ex (stupid attention seeking) she rang the Police and gave her name to them so i could call her.

She has 2 young children (I have a 10 and 8 year old wholive with there mum)and has similiar likes and a similar personality to me, we both dont have our kids on the same weekend....I am too scared to see if she wants to go out because we work in the same department....I am going to ask another work colleague to do some investigational work for me!!

I have asked to come to her place a few times after I was invited up and things went well. Kiss on cheek and she gives me the biggest hugs!!

Yes Drod I think if my ex wanted me back I am scared that I would take her back too!!!

God why is life to difficult?

I love being around people because I am a family person so I hate being in this big house by myself so I hope I make the right decision and I hope u do too!

Some times I hate the fact that the ex met this guy on facebook because I know she would be here right now, and i know this sounds predictable but I truely believe with couple therapy we would have a wonderful long lasting meaningful relationship............

[drod]

Hey jolly, dont blame face book, or any thing else, its her, just because she met some guy on there doesnt mean she would back there with you if she didnt, she has issues, i know because my ex met 3 diffo guys supposedly and i know that if she didnt meet them she still wouldnt be here. My ex and i went thru couple therapy and it only helped for a little while, the real therapy needed was for her first and that didnt happen and so ultimately it didnt change our demise, right now i was told i need to take care of myself and forget about her and move on, and try to make myself a better person so that i will be happier inany relationship, rather its with my new friend or if my ex came back, and you need to do the same, (easier said then done i know but im gonna try to take that advice) because sad, sulky and desperate is not attractive, to a new girl or your ex.

[jolly]

Your right Drod I am moving forward until I got a text from my ex. She said that she wanted to call me and I said i would prefer if she text me. So she said that I should stop threatening her friends and harrassing her mother????WTF. Her friend spoke to me in person and said she would come around to my house to chat....I did tell her what my psych said about my ex's relationship, that is it is doomed to fail....big mistake know doubt she told my ex. My ex knows I speak to her mum and is using that against me now as well. I know she is in termoil and she is hitting back at me in anger because deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong but cant break away from it.......its so sad but i am still moving forward and seeing my therapist!

[at/end/of/rope]

Originally Posted by jolly

Your right Drod I am moving forward until I got a text from my ex. She said that she wanted to call me and I said i would prefer if she text me. So she said that I should stop threatening her friends and harrassing her mother????WTF. Her friend spoke to me in person and said she would come around to my house to chat....I did tell her what my psych said about my ex's relationship, that is it is doomed to fail....big mistake know doubt she told my ex. My ex knows I speak to her mum and is using that against me now as well. I know she is in termoil and she is hitting back at me in anger because deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong but cant break away from it.......its so sad but i am still moving forward and seeing my therapist!

Wow, what great inormation . I have been in a relationship for approx. 11 years of continuous cheating on me. This has happened via internet chat rooms and facebook and meeting with people we know personally through texting etc. Recently she meet someone via Papaya a chat line and meet him for a BJ she wanted to bang him but he wouldnt, I treally dont know what to do besides leave which is what i don't want to do but listening to the replies is probably the thing to do . I alos found out last summer after returning from a great trip to Maui she tried to connect with an old lover that broke up her previous married for a period of time .When I confronted her she denied it saying it was a coincidence etc... HELP HELP......

[at/end/of/rope]

How can you continue to work hard at the BPD relationship after continually getting kicked in the crotch --infedility which I try to work through. Even
to the point where I tell her to let me be there if you need to do it ..I know its sounds bizarre but that was my desparation to make this relationship work...

[at/end/of/rope]

Originally Posted by jolly

Your right Drod I am moving forward until I got a text from my ex. She said that she wanted to call me and I said i would prefer if she text me. So she said that I should stop threatening her friends and harrassing her mother????WTF. Her friend spoke to me in person and said she would come around to my house to chat....I did tell her what my psych said about my ex's relationship, that is it is doomed to fail....big mistake know doubt she told my ex. My ex knows I speak to her mum and is using that against me now as well. I know she is in termoil and she is hitting back at me in anger because deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong but cant break away from it.......its so sad but i am still moving forward and seeing my therapist!

Wow, from all of the responses is there any hope with a partner who has BPD----please tell me there is !!!It has been 11 years of mountains and deep gullies but I am still around -is there something wrong with me !!!!!

[at/end/of/rope]

Originally Posted by drod

hey tat thanks, its been 4 months for me and its not getting easier, I truly believed we would be together forever, and jolly i was with her longer then her other 4 marriages she had combined... i adored her, her smile would make me melt.. i have been kind of seeing a new girl lately and she tells me she crazy about me, my friends and family all love her, she is normal, has no bpd disorders, and i should be thrilled and moving on, right?, well im trying but i still cant get my ex out of my head, i dont know what to do about that... i also know that at least for right now if my ex wanted me back i would break off with this new girl in heart beat and even though i know that would be the wrong thing to do, i prob still would go back to her, because of how much she hurt me, my family now dislikes her, and im sure her family feels the same about me, so why would i want to put my self thru that??? LOVE or is it just plain insanity??

WOW, It has been 11years and you hit it spot on ....I am still clinging on and know my time is closing in on me as after reading all the support out there ,,,,I am so wanting to see things get better but seems to be a circle where things will go great for a period of time then bbammm !!!! Several episodes of sexual deviance on her part with neglect -meaning she denies until i catch her red handed then deny deny deny....until i become obssessed with finding out the truth almost to the point of being the bad guy....calling others to help me get information.....

[drod]

my ex called me today for lunch and i at first excited to go and see her, then i started to get worried, with her extreme mood swings i never know what to expect, my ex and i have been broken up for 3 mo months now and im still wondering and hoping, my sister tells me that she know knows my ex is dysfunctional, but is beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me for holding on to hope of reconsiling with a girl whose relationship with me is guaranteed to fail in 3, 6 months a year, and do i really want to put myself thru that meanwhile i will hurt my new girlfriend who also doesnt deserve that, because im afraid i would break up with my new girlfriend to go back to my ex, i really do love my ex very, very much, but i know it would be unhealthy and destented to fail if i did go back to her, my head is spinning, my head knows whats right, but my heart wont let go,

[drod]

hey end-of-rope.. my ex was moody, sometimes mean or heartless, but far as i know never unfaithful.... that is the one thing i cant handle, my ex now is supossedly going out with some guy who is only a FRIEND, yeahhh right... but thats ok i've been seeing sorta a new girl also.but all this occurred after our breakup, i think that personnely if you cant trust someone then let them go, my ex was many issues but i knew i could trust her, that is very importaant to me. i can handle mean, *****y, moody or whatever but unfaithful and im gone in a heartbeat.. i think you really should think hard about all the reasons why you are still holding on, i have with my ex, and yesterday after having lunch with her, i had completely different feelings, about her, seeing her with her attitude and her life disposition, and comparing her to my new girlfriend, and had a completely different attitude about her when i left lunch yesterday.. all im saying is there are some things you can allow and somethings you cant, and if you allow her to cheat on you and you keep forgiving her, then subconsiously you are giving her permission to cheat on you, STOP... DONT SACRIFICE YOUR VALUES OR INTEGRETY... i know you love her and i totally understand, but let let her play you either....

[at/end/of/rope]

Originally Posted by drod

hey end-of-rope.. my ex was moody, sometimes mean or heartless, but far as i know never unfaithful.... that is the one thing i cant handle, my ex now is supossedly going out with some guy who is only a FRIEND, yeahhh right... but thats ok i've been seeing sorta a new girl also.but all this occurred after our breakup, i think that personnely if you cant trust someone then let them go, my ex was many issues but i knew i could trust her, that is very importaant to me. i can handle mean, *****y, moody or whatever but unfaithful and im gone in a heartbeat.. i think you really should think hard about all the reasons why you are still holding on, i have with my ex, and yesterday after having lunch with her, i had completely different feelings, about her, seeing her with her attitude and her life disposition, and comparing her to my new girlfriend, and had a completely different attitude about her when i left lunch yesterday.. all im saying is there are some things you can allow and somethings you cant, and if you allow her to cheat on you and you keep forgiving her, then subconsiously you are giving her permission to cheat on you, STOP... DONT SACRIFICE YOUR VALUES OR INTEGRETY... i know you love her and i totally understand, but let let her play you either....

[at/end/of/rope]

Originally Posted by drod

hey end-of-rope.. my ex was moody, sometimes mean or heartless, but far as i know never unfaithful.... that is the one thing i cant handle, my ex now is supossedly going out with some guy who is only a FRIEND, yeahhh right... but thats ok i've been seeing sorta a new girl also.but all this occurred after our breakup, i think that personnely if you cant trust someone then let them go, my ex was many issues but i knew i could trust her, that is very importaant to me. i can handle mean, *****y, moody or whatever but unfaithful and im gone in a heartbeat.. i think you really should think hard about all the reasons why you are still holding on, i have with my ex, and yesterday after having lunch with her, i had completely different feelings, about her, seeing her with her attitude and her life disposition, and comparing her to my new girlfriend, and had a completely different attitude about her when i left lunch yesterday.. all im saying is there are some things you can allow and somethings you cant, and if you allow her to cheat on you and you keep forgiving her, then subconsiously you are giving her permission to cheat on you, STOP... DONT SACRIFICE YOUR VALUES OR INTEGRETY... i know you love her and i totally understand, but let let her play you either....

Thank u Drod so much for your reply it truly means a lot to me as i have gotten stronger this last 2 days on this forum just listening to people s actions and reactions to similiar situations.... I truly felt that this would get better with my partner but continual infedility timae after time ...she seems to get stronger as time passes doing these things knowing that i will always be there for her....I am starting to plan to leave but with reservations of course as it has been 11 years of some good times and hell other times...Is there any success stories invoving BPD as i am starting to see a pattern where it is run for your life type of responses...Also , after doing a lot for the situation financially should i just pick up and run or try to salvage some of the things i brought into this relationship i.e. car , bedroom suite , tv etc.. just to name a few ...Thanks agai for your response as i am so appreciative of any feedback ...CHEERS !!!!

[drod]

hey end=of-rope, I bought my ex-fiance a brand new car, and gave her everything, i was very good to her.. and we broke up in december last year, and she said she wanted some space and time... i gave it to her, then in january she said she wanted more space then ive been giving her, but that she wanted to date other guys and keep my car, i told her that either we were a couple or strangers, and if we were together she could keep the car but if were weren't then i leave and take my car with me, i wasnt about to make her life easy without me, i wanted to show her she needed me and that i wouldnt tolerate her dating other guys in my car, i needed her to realize she needed me and for her to miss me, its been 3 months now and she has been calling me about once a week, day before yesterday she asked if i wanted to meet her for lunch, i met her but now i regret going, i should have told her no, but it also did me some good mentally because i saw her different after lunch then before lunch, she sat there bragging about her new boyfriend how hes such a good dancer, and how he is going to help her with her truck, (it isnt running, and since i took the car away, shes on foot) i sat there listening to her and after lunch i realized that her breaking up with me, she actually did me a favor, i still miss her alot, but my heart isnt as heavy as it was, now you need to take whats yours and leave, dont make her life easy, she will realize what she had and as they say, you dont know what you got till its gone, make her see that, meanwhile you might get lucky and meet someone who is trully worthy of you and your heart, and your generosity, because a user or a taker will keep taking as long as you keep giving, i just realized that with my ex.. you deserve to be be happy, if it isnt healthy then let it go, even though i feel like such a hipocryte saying that because i havent been able to let my ex go, but i just lately releaized that i need to, i also enrolled for some counseling, you might want to do the same, good luck to you, and if there is any thing else, i can help you with, drop me a line, seems like our situations are kinda simialar,,,

[at/end/of/rope]

Originally Posted by drod

hey end=of-rope, I bought my ex-fiance a brand new car, and gave her everything, i was very good to her.. and we broke up in december last year, and she said she wanted some space and time... i gave it to her, then in january she said she wanted more space then ive been giving her, but that she wanted to date other guys and keep my car, i told her that either we were a couple or strangers, and if we were together she could keep the car but if were weren't then i leave and take my car with me, i wasnt about to make her life easy without me, i wanted to show her she needed me and that i wouldnt tolerate her dating other guys in my car, i needed her to realize she needed me and for her to miss me, its been 3 months now and she has been calling me about once a week, day before yesterday she asked if i wanted to meet her for lunch, i met her but now i regret going, i should have told her no, but it also did me some good mentally because i saw her different after lunch then before lunch, she sat there bragging about her new boyfriend how hes such a good dancer, and how he is going to help her with her truck, (it isnt running, and since i took the car away, shes on foot) i sat there listening to her and after lunch i realized that her breaking up with me, she actually did me a favor, i still miss her alot, but my heart isnt as heavy as it was, now you need to take whats yours and leave, dont make her life easy, she will realize what she had and as they say, you dont know what you got till its gone, make her see that, meanwhile you might get lucky and meet someone who is trully worthy of you and your heart, and your generosity, because a user or a taker will keep taking as long as you keep giving, i just realized that with my ex.. you deserve to be be happy, if it isnt healthy then let it go, even though i feel like such a hipocryte saying that because i havent been able to let my ex go, but i just lately releaized that i need to, i also enrolled for some counseling, you might want to do the same, good luck to you, and if there is any thing else, i can help you with, drop me a line, seems like our situations are kinda simialar,,,

hey bDrod, thanks again for the chat , last night i told her i was on this web page and was starting to give me strenght etc....It really has helped me in this short time and I am going to go to counselling myself and get myself over the hump sort of speaking , i to seem to feel like u as far as things i have got for her...my close friends tell me to cut ur losses and run as the feel it will only stir the pot and make things worse in the big picture..i know exactly how u feel as i want her to have nothing as that is what she had when i met her and i feeel that i have been very good for her and looked afetr her but she has not reciprocated (not financially i mean emotionally etc..) .She has ripped my heart out several times and seems to have hardened me and made me less sensitive to the sleeping around etc,,,,the internet and i-phone seem to be her little secret place she can text or chat and be sneaky with all this stuff....I need to be on here everyday as i will try to get in to counselling quickyl and get it going ..i really apprciate your comments as we seem to have a similiar story
Cheers, ....

[drod]

hey end of rope, i also feel like my ex ripped into my heart and threw on the grond and stomped on it, ive lost weight, and prob suffering from severe insomina, people at work and friends tell me im not the same, but depression is a wierd thing, you feel it but cant explain it, then just as fst as it came on something clicks and it starts going away, seeing my ex for lunch last week made me click alittle, even though i know the only reason she aked for lunch is because she needed an ego boost, she needed to know inside that she could get me back if she wanted and i unfortunatly gave that to her, my heart has a hard time telling her no, i understand your delimma im sorta going thru the same thing, but i have a good support team, i have sister who is very understanding, and insightful and helpful, and i have a new sorta girl friend who has met my ex so she understands what im going thru, and is also very understanding, shes also real cute, (that helps alot, lol ) the best thing i think you can do now is take care of yourself, that is what ive been told by everyone ive talked too. sounds right to me too , but i know easier said then done... take care