Seduction

Not sure I have BPD since I was never given the label. But I've read so much on personality disorders and I believe this is what I have.

One of the symptoms has to do with seductive behavior. When I'm around men in real life I feel the need to seduce them. It gets me in a lot of trouble but I can't help doing it.

Does anyone else experience this?

Guess nobody else does. It's good you don't. It's not a lot of fun.

i can kind of relate to this, actually. only, i consider myself kind of a dork, and really bad at flirting soooo for me it's more like, just really really wanting that kind of attention sometimes. or making silly and awkward attempts at flirting, perhaps. i'm a lesbian, though, so i'm usually trying to get the attention from women. and typically they're straight, bummer, ha. AND i'm in a relationship, so i always feel horrible for even thinking about these things.

i guess i haven't really dealt with this issue much in therapy though yet, so i'm afraid i don't know what to say in terms of support other than i wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Hugs for responding!!!

I'm in a serious relationship too. My BF doesn't deserve this behavior from me. He's sweet and doesn't flirt with other women so I wind up feeling like a real piece of crap when I do it.

I don't know what it is?

Maybe it's because my brain is always on a "depression default" and when men start to notice me, it gives me a kind of high. Stimulates the pleasure sensations in my head and banishes the depression.

When u flirt with other women do you know they are straight or do you find out during your conversation?

i guess i'd say that mostly i find out later, but again my attempts are usually very subtle, i think. sometimes i do know ahead of time they are straight, which is confusing for me. blah.

anyway, yes i think you may be right it has something to do with the "high" or the craving of the "high". i can relate to that.

but other than that, i can't really pinpoint why i would do this or think about doing it to myself and my GF. i mean, she doesn't know really, i don't think. but I know, it makes me feel guilty later.

guess i should start working on this soon perhaps

Is it because you place your self value in how much attention you're able to get out of
people? If people don't notice you you feel insignificant. When they do you feel human...

Am I right or wrong?

OK we will work on it together. Since we know that we are doing something wrong we will feel better when we stop. I guess it is more a need for boundaries. A little flirting is healthy, fun, natural. But there needs to be a line that we can't cross. We need to find out that line.

With some men the line is easy to see...and with some it gets blurry. But I can feel something in my stomach when I'm doing something wrong. It's nice to feel wanted but not when it hurts others. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend or be a bad person.

You and me can work together on this!

often we are taught these behaviors by our parents long before we have the cognitive tools to understand them,, they could be leftovers from parents,, have either of you looked at that ?

Your insight in right on. I was raised by my mom and dad abandoned me so I guess part of it is missing out on the initial daddy attention. However, men have always been attracted to me-even as a little girl. And somehow..I was able not to get sexually abused.

But I had lots of emotional issues and educational needs that weren't addressed. Mom said "don't worry your pretty you won't need to work when you get older." (Not a very realistic way to grow up) But it is what I had. I didn't do well in school but boyfriends came easy so I guess I expect the attention. When I don't get it I think "Oh crap...now I'm not even good at that???"

It's a sucky way to acquire self-esteem. Cause trust me- I know looks don't last forever.

Your right Gus. My mom did teach me these behaviors and encouraged them as well. But she thought she was teaching me something important. She really did. She thought this is what I needed to learn to get by in life. At least she tried to help. My dad just took off and didn't want to pay child support and would call me from time to time with the most hateful phone calls. He did do me one favor. Because of him I know how to choose nice men. All I do is look for someone who is the complete opposite of my father and I date him. My success rate has been 100% so far.

I figured. I was the same exact way, not only with sexual attention, but with any kind of attention I could get, Pity is my favorite kind of attention to get.

I had a father but when I was young he was gone a lot and my mom was always fussing about him never being home.... I guess that's part of the issue, also when I was young I was socially outcasted.

I think what we both need is more self love so that we can fill that void.

I know no matter how much attention I receive it is never ever enough.... All because I don't have much love for myself...

We are the same!! Because no matter how much attention I get, it isn't enough either! I'm like a bottomless pit.

I too was the outcast. Once I got into high school it was a different story. The boys liked me so the girls liked me. It was my way of getting acceptance and it still seems to work that way.

We do need to find self-love! This getting attention crap needs to stop.

Hugs

Hell yea sister <333 (((hugs)))

I hear yeah it was the same for me, even in High school I had lots of "friends" none of which made me happy.

Now that I am older and all that is behind it's time to work on self love so we can finally fill that bottomless pit.

Are you seeing a therapist?

I saw a therapist after my first and only attempt. I did that for two years and he was quite good. But after two years of therapy once a week I decided it was enough. Therapy is such a grueling process.

I think working, making friends, going to the gym and trying to find value in other parts of my life is what I'm going to concentrate on at this time. I like the support chats in this site.

Are you in therapy?

That's really good :33 That's a very good idea <333

I like the support chats too, they really help.

I've never been in therapy before. I want to but I cannot afford it at this time.

Maybe one day I will be in it, I know what the problem is and the solution is to love myself, I just can't figure out how to go about that.

I know what you mean when I was in therapy my therapist use to say "Stop beating yourself up." But that never stopped me from doing so.

lol I literally need to stop beating my self up. Funny you brought that up

If you are doing physical self-harm to yourself you do need to stop. I know a lot of borderlines do cutting and other harmful acts. Maybe it takes the emotional pain away for a moment but the emotions will come flooding back and you'll be left disfigured.

There is a good book by Marsha Linehan called "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder." You can purchase it online or in Barnes and Noble. The workbook breaks down the different ways to heal; mindfulness, self-soothing etc. It's worth a look. When I start to get really depressed, I turn to it and somehow just reading it helps calm me down.

Wow I'll look that up :3 Thanks Hurts <33333
I really needed that

My Therapist says that this is because I lack effective attachment models. Basically, I only know one way to relate to men, and have to learn others. This means looking at movies and books and looking closely at how characters who are NOT attracted interact! For example, what about cases where women who are married in a good, healthy book or show interact with men. And how they interact with everyone really. Who are good models? Let's think about this.

Who have we seen, in movies, film etc who behave in ways we think are appropriate? Who acts like a stable, strong individual, able to interact without attraction?

I think this would help us be better at this. I don't have many examples yet, but I'm thinking. What about Queen Elizabeth, in these films just out? She had to be stately and strong and willing to work. She also had to deal with most people without introducing gender.

Or better still, remember Candace Bergen, in Murphy Brown? She dealt with people every day without bringing seduction into it. Let's find more, because these are ways we can learn to treat men as more than potential partners. We are our own caretakers, and even if it's hard, we can do this.

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I believe these feelings stem from a desire to feel loved and valued.Can you do a self inventory and see what all of your other human values are?You can build on those.Do you have people who would tell you;if you asked,what they value about what you mean to them?Perhaps this all would give you a different perspective on your self worth.I am not implying you have none.I only wonder if you have taken into account the value of 'you'.

There was an actor named Paul Richards, who starred in a long-time-ago television series called "The Breaking Point". But too long ago for most people here.

Maybe it's a primal pro-creative need that's embedding the mind from birth. Even if your not interested in procreation your mind is encouraging you to do so. If you seduce all your competition will be eliminated.

"Survival of the fittest gone out of control."

Or maybe it's just a need to be accepted and this seems to be the easiest way. There are so many factors that figure in to this need.

Good Article:

http://www.bpdsecrets.com/connection...-and-cheating/

http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/...-attached-men/