[elevatedsoul]

I've been trying to come to terms with a lot of stuff for some time now...
all of the stuff i have been through, the stuff i haven't been through...
the stuff i put myself through, the stuff others put me through...
all the blame i find myself trying to place around... all the excuses i find myself trying to make...

I've lost track of time, i just know its been some time.. and i wanna give up

why should i have to do this?
i shouldn't have to work so hard... i shouldnt have to try so hard

why do i insist on it?

growing up i was always placed in the perfectionists spotlight...
i hate the spotlight, i hate the attention... i hate being called smart...
they even put me in the newspapers from time to time for stupid reasons...

i hate it... it haunts me, everywhere i go people still call me out - like i am something special when i am just a damaged broken little boy

i just want to give up on it, but its ingrained... im programmed...
im haunted, by my past...

but its not a past, my past is very much alive and present...

i become obsessive over learning, i have to know things... i have to know why, the when, the where... all of that... so i can fix it, i become so fixated on it that it consumes me... whether its something fun... or something devastating... i can't help it...

video games... drugs... people... mental illness.. whatever...

i've just became stuck and i don't know how to get "unstuck"...
i've became trapped... in my mind, with this depression... and this trauma...
dissociative attacks and anxiety consuming me...

its such a viscous cycle that its really breaking me down and even i am really starting to see the deterioration of myself... of what i was... or who i was... or what made me up...

i feel as if i have fallen down so far, and lost so much progress that i had made... and i don't know why, i cant figure it out... and honestly i dont really feel like i want to figure it out anymore... i want to give up on it...
i just want to start floating through it all... whatever happens is going to happen anyway, so whats the point..

i just am so sad because i had made so much progress... i was actually able to be happy, to talk with people... go out... socialize... i was doing so many things... but look where i am at now... and have been for like the past month... or since they changed this blasted medicine...
i am in a deteriorated state... somethings not right with me...
unable to find happiness, unable to really feel anything but the bad things

it just makes me feel even more depressed, discouraged...
doomed... im just really unhappy with the way things are right now..
it feels like the universe hates me... and i dont know why, i've always been a good person... but im always being **** on and hurt

im hoping that its just this medicine causing these symptoms to increase... thats possible right..? a bad reaction i hope... maybe paired with a lot of external triggers... like my therapist terminating on me... them telling me that i wont get better because i wont leave my dads house and stuff like that... pretty much telling me that im choosing not to get better by staying at my dads and that its all my fault...
i have hated the way they have been making me feel... they have not been helping very much lately but making everything worse...

so next week when i go i can be really assertive and tell them i want to get back on my old medication (cymbalta and abilify) and things maybe will get a little better... and i will just ignore what they say for a while...
since i dont have a therapist i just plan on floating through the **** for a while...

it has to work out... i have to listen to myself, they have made me like this... its all their fault it really is...
i really try not to blame people because i dont like getting caught up in the middle of drama... but this time there is no doubt that their actions brought this on... its the only thing i can figure

how can they say things like that to someone like me, making me feel like its all my fault.. cornering me... zeroing me into very specific decisions...
all of these kind of things when im already feeling unstable... feeling like nothing is going my way... blahblahblah..

thinking about it makes me tingle, i dont know whether to be angry, depressed, scared, or ...???

because anyone could sit down and be like... well it is your fault, you need to get out of your dads house.
but they have to understand my symptoms... or atleast try to...
makes me so dizzy i feel like i might faint...

its not my fault... i swear if they say one more thing about it im going to quit going to them... i dont want to hear one more word about it... because there is absolutely not one ****ing thing i can do... not with the way my bloody brain is... not right now... just not right now

maybe its going to be good for me not going to therapy... maybe going to therapy was the worse idea i ever had

or maybe i just cant handle it right now... maybe you are supposed to be stable before going to therapy, i dont know, it just doesnt work for me - nothing seems to be good for me right now... besides me trying to find a way to block out the bad stuff

i used to practice escapism avidly, why have my skills diminished?

thats what i really need right now... a way out, i need a pressure valve...
something that can release this build up... i dont have anything, i dont have anyone... it is really difficult trying to cope, i haven't been cutting, i haven't been drinking...

i don't know what to do to cope, i am very horrible when it comes to coping

i was never taught how to self soothe... i learned to dissociate apparently... i learned to disconnect... i learned to use substances and escapism, which all of them seem to be not working very well currently...

i dont feel like doing anything... honestly i just want to get high but i cant

im trying to watch movies here and there but apparently i have ADHD and apparently it causes me to get bored with them quick...

trying to play video games but my internet connection is poor so i can't...

i just end up sitting here, feeling disconnected, empty, sad, doomed, confused, lost, these kind of feelings... like i am outside of time, unreal, and im really starting to get sick of it... like physically ill... nauseous...

but i guess i am ok...
i have been through worse, i guess
it just feels bad on the inside... like when you have to be around someone that you absolutely hate... and have to pretend to be happy for the sake of the rest of the company... and that one person just wont leave, this feeling inside just wont leave and its weighing me down

i guess its just my depression... i really wish she would not of taken me off the cymbalta... i dont know why i let her take me off of it, i dont know why..!
she even asked me why i was on it and i told her i didnt know... see how my brain works? its like my brain wants me to be miserable, i really couldnt remember at that time why i was on the cymbalta... but i swear i will never forget again this time...
atleast when i was on that medication this demon inside of me was locked in a tight cage... and i could kick it around... and have control over it... even though the cage would become loose sometimes.. i could still control it... ****

i guess thats it... as it is.. for now...
extremely bored... and empty...