[shezbut]

I conform myself to keep my boyfriend happy.

I will do whatever he likes, wants, and needs. His intense passion gives me reassurance that he will still be around. I won't lose him (to another). I can't bear the thought of it!

It's sad to recognize ~ but it's exactly what I do!

What is this called? Simply low self-esteem, or something else?

[ECHOES]

Good insights!

It is something to know more about. It sounds like an uncomfortable place to be. Imagine feeling free to be yourself at every moment, and knowing that being yourself is more important than being with someone, and in fact being yourself will draw to you a someone who loves you for who you really are.. so you can feel free to be you at every moment.

[sugahorse1]

That's me entirely! I have been with my bf for 5 years. I do everything under the sun to keep him happy, and make him feel valued. I have very little time for myself. And I also put my desires, wants and needs to the side, in order to keep him happy.
At the same time, I really love him. And every now and again, he really goes out his way to make me feel special to.
So this kind of relationship I'm talking about must not be confused with an abusive relationship - it's just one-sided.
Shezbut; at the same time, I can really relate to how draining this can be on you, especially if you actually need someone to look after you occasionally (I suffer from really bad depression at times, and it's usually then that I REALLY need my bf to put me first)

But I've also had people tell me that my relationship is not balanced, that I should leave him. But I love him. And I love his passion

[bpd2]

I wanted to second what Echoes said--that being yourself will draw someone to you who is like you.

So...is that what you've done--that is, drawn someone to you who is like you? If so, do you want to change?

A couple of life notes: everyone conforms to each other, to a healthy degree, in intimate relationships. If we didn't we would feel like we had not influence over the other...which means we would feel alone, sort of invisible. So, maybe your feeling of extreme conformity is a desperation to be "seen"? Armchair therapist here...

AND, one other thing, if you're young (I don't know if you are or not), often, passion is the whole point of the relationship. If that passion hasn't grown into something deeper, or if you're tired of the pace, that could be part of the problem, too? Just a thought...

[happyathome]

I don't know if this will help, but think about this...Please...if I can help one young person to not make the same mistakes that I did...
I wasted my entire LIFE on being with people who sucked me dry...I always put them and their needs first,whether they were addicts, drunks,needy,emotional vampires,abusers,you name it. I too suffered from debilitating depression,and being with these people, only exacerbated it.YOU are worth it.You deserve to be happy.Ultimately, you are gripping tightly to this relatiuonship out of fear that it will end, is what I hear you saying...A happy,peaceful realtionship does not have a foundation of fear.It should be that you enjoy SHARING with each other,all of the good things that life and a HEALTHY relationship has to offer. It may not be too late to start putting yourself first in the confines of this relationship,but it might be confusing for him.Besides, he probably likes things the way they are.If you bring it up in conversation;that you need to see some changes, that you are feeling lost in this relationship and not getting your needs met, and he tries to change, then you know he is a good guy.If he does nothing to change, you know it it one sided.I don't care how cute he is, how passionate you feel for him;In the long run, you know in your heart, that you want a two sided, equal relationship, that you can grow together in.If you don't take charge now, you might be like me someday...feeling like I threw away MY precious life, for a bunch of losers who didn't even deserve to be with someone as wonderful as I am.Good Luck to you...

[bpd2]

This could be way off, but something just occured to me: It sounds like you are very sensitive to your boyfriend's needs....If that's the case, maybe the way you react to him/treat him, is because that is the way that you know HE will feel seen....If that's so, maybe it's worth thinking about other ways you could show him that? Tall order, if that's the case...especially if you're feeling worn out by a demand to be the perfect girlfriend.

And that takes us back to the idea that you really need to be yourself here if you want him to respond to a real you....

(Is there a smiley for going around and around in circles???)

[sugahorse1]

@happyathome- thanks so much for your post. It's taken me a good few therapy sessions to realise that I need to stand up for myself in my relationship too. I've spent time around people in happy relationships to see what it could be like.
I then have told my bf where I need to see changes. I tell him how I am feeling - I don't beat around the bush (How us women tend to be when discussing emotions with men) but I get straight to the point. I agree that I keep moving the goalposts out, and letting him get away with things that hurt me, or timelines for seeing changes.
But through more therapy I will get stronger, and hopefully be able to have a healthy and balanced relationship with this man who I really do love.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Good insights!

Imagine feeling free to be yourself at every moment, and knowing that being yourself is more important than being with someone, and in fact being yourself will draw to you a someone who loves you for who you really are.. so you can feel free to be you at every moment.

Awfully tough to imagine, Echoes.

I don't think that there is such a thing. Shoot, I hate myself ~ how can anyone possibly love me for being "me"??

That said, my bf picks up on parts of myself that I try to hide. He encourages me to talk about it. I just can't talk about it though. They are parts of my life that are many, many years ago. He doesn't understand why I blame/hate myself or why I just can't forget. So I hold it inside.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

At the same time, I really love him. And every now and again, he really goes out his way to make me feel special to.
So this kind of relationship I'm talking about must not be confused with an abusive relationship - it's just one-sided.
Shezbut; at the same time, I can really relate to how draining this can be on you, especially if you actually need someone to look after you occasionally (I suffer from really bad depression at times, and it's usually then that I REALLY need my bf to put me first)

But I've also had people tell me that my relationship is not balanced, that I should leave him. But I love him. And I love his passion

Ditto! My bf isn't abusive in any way ~ and I love the passion too.

But, I am extremely sensitive when a good-looking woman or girl is nearby. No matter what I do to make myself pretty or sexy, I can't compete with the whole world ~ my objective side can see this. But my emotional side immediately clams up tightly to protect my juvenile emotions. Such a wuss! I hate it!!

[shezbut]

Hi bpd2,

Sorry for just now responding (I have limited time on the library computer).

I'm not sure that I'd agree whether or not my bf is like me. We are alike on some levels, and opposites on others. He is aware of where I stand on those issues, and I know where he stands. I suppose you could say that we've both made conscious decisions to be with one another despite our differing opinions.

That sounds pretty mature when I think about it...hmmm

I am the big 40, so I'm no spring chicken. LOL But, better late than never on feeling passion and intimacy!

[bpd2]

Hi, Shez--I do know how you feel about the vulnerability thing, especially if you're left hanging--not denied, but just left wondering....hate that. And, I think, probably, forty is young in really figuring out the relationship thing.......such a mess sometimes!