[mandamoo42]

hello i am manda and i am new here. pleased to meet you all but my god i despair of having this bloody BPD!!! the depression that never seems to completely lift, the anxiety that never gives me any peace, the fear of real or perceived rejection and/or abandonment, (which since it's already happened countless times i have no real basis to fear it but i do feel the unending sadness of it all), the alcohol and substance abuse, wreckless behaviour (sending abusive texts to my daughter's social worker cld very well get me busted), the inapprpriate over the top rage, oh god i cld go on and i will lol...the shaky sense of identity (which manda are we going to get today? it's pot luck!!) the sense of being somehow disconnected frm the world feeling unreal, just EVRYTHING about having this diagnosis bloody well sucks!!!! i am isolated reclusive bordering on agoraphobic and sociophobic, i 'space out' alot to just relive the pressure in my brain frm having all these horrible memories and emotions which i can never ever get rid of no matter what i do to blot it out...sometimes i just think there is no hope for me at all...i have been abused and neglected and left to take the fall for other peoples' mistakes my whole life and this is the state it has left me in...i have to take medication for the rest of my life just so i dont get too suicidal and want to do myself in rather than feel any more pain...is this all there is? i just want to find out frm others what works for them and helps them manage this condition so it doesnt define who they are and they can lead relatively normal lives in spite of it, because i am sick and tired of being this way...

thanks

[I'mNotReal]

I hear you

Nice to meet you too honey

Oh sweetie i relate to pretty much every single thing you have said. I space out and im definately agoraphobic right now. Ive also been abused and neglected by those i should have been able to trust At least we're all in it together - i mean it makes me sad to know that others are suffering in a similar way too myself but at least i know im not a freak. I really hope you find your stay here helpful - if you wanna chat PM me anytime

[ChaoticSymphony]

Hey mandymooey...It is 1:11 a.m right now and I am sitting here stone cold sober and can't sleep. I just wanted to let you know on here that that whole agoraphobic thing is something I am starting to go through too...I used to be the social butterfly and now, as much as I get bored, there is no place like home. Little doses, baby steps, is the only thing I can do right now. I had a panic attack at my cousins house today and had to go chill out in the bathroom for about 10 mins...good **** hey?? lol jk...but when I came back out of my time out things went pretty good after that. I think it is the ptsd that does that because lately I have been having bad reactions to even my kids being too loud and banging around the house. Just do what you can and don't push yourself too much too fast...baby steps. Also don't be so hard on yourself either, we are all just human after all. I know I need to get out more, finances haven't allowed that boooo, but even just for a walk around town so we don't get too comfortable in our safe zones. Talk to you tomorrow hopefully, if not have a great weekend!! <3

[mandamoo42]

(((((((((((bb and chaotic))))))))))))) thanks darlins for the acknowledgement, i agree that it helps knowing none of us are alone with this awful illness, and yes chaotic the spacing out and jumping at noises is def the PTSD, it's hard to know which symptom belongs to which disorder at times...bless you both for replying to my post anyway...lots of love xxxx

[Girl_Interrupted]

This sounds exactly like me. I've become so isolated that I'm worried I'll become Agoraphobic like my biological grandmother did. She was on the same medication that I'm now on actually. :/

[MrGrendel]

nice to meet you im new here too. and totally feel for ya. i thought that way too that omg is this all there is. and the answer to me was sorta like yeah kinda and also no. i had 3 consecuitive suicide attempts about 2 years ago now which led to my diagnosis. treatmet does help, the symptoms do get less intense even when it feels like we are constantly going in circles. all the symptoms are still sorta in the back of mind but they tend to stay there now and i have much more control voer my actions. One thing that helps tremendously is keeping busy as much as i can. it keeps the depression out which i feel is the worst part. and of course support is one of the best things for you. so talk to anyone u might have available, post on here, etc. i really hope you find a way to cope and wish you the best of luck ! and stay positive! (hard ik)

[kate Johnson]

It's like your in my head, nice to meet you.

[Fuzzybear]

welcome