[Pucca]

My husband was diagnosed as bi-polar but reading these threads has me thinking he may be borderline. My problem is that a good friend of mine from high school has asked if I would like to meet up for lunch. My friend is male with a wife and twins on the way. I'm actually scared to tell my husband because he'll freak out that I'm going to see a guy and think I'm cheating on him.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[lovelystars]

I'd say just invite your husband, you could even do a double date! The only time I've been alone with a guy friend in my 3 years of marriage was just while my sister was on her way to come hang out as well. I honestly think hanging out with another guy alone when your married can cause problems, unless the guy is gay. Married men shouldn't be asking married women other than their wives out to lunch alone. I know you think it's innocent and just friendly, but don't you think your husband's feelings are more important than you being alone with another man? Wouldn't it be more fun if your spouses were there anyways?

[Pucca]

Originally Posted by lovelystars

I'd say just invite your husband, you could even do a double date! The only time I've been alone with a guy friend in my 3 years of marriage was just while my sister was on her way to come hang out as well. I honestly think hanging out with another guy alone when your married can cause problems, unless the guy is gay. Married men shouldn't be asking married women other than their wives out to lunch alone. I know you think it's innocent and just friendly, but don't you think your husband's feelings are more important than you being alone with another man? Wouldn't it be more fun if your spouses were there anyways?

Wow really? I mean I've had male friends my whole life and see no problem with going out to lunch with a friend, regardless of their sex. A married man can't ask a married woman they've known for 20 years out for lunch? I am just having a hard time understanding, so please bare with me.
I barely see any of my friends anymore because my husband gets so jealous. His feelings are important of course, but does that mean I can't go out with friends? Last weekend my husband visitied some friends and spent the weekend (they live 2 hours away) and it didn't bother me at all.

I've been reading the threads in this forum and they've been quite helpful actually. Then I read all the symptoms of being borderline and they describe me perfectly. The depression, the self hate, the rage, etc. I don't know why I don't get jealous though.

Sorry, now I'm rambling.

[lovelystars]

Perhaps to each is own? I just know in my circle of friends...married people don't spend time alone with someone of the other sex. We hang out together as couples. Visiting some 'friends' is the key to me, there were others there. I just feel like a lunch out with another married man from your past when your married sounds like a date. Especially since you say you already know how he will react. Unless you've done this before and are just going by previous reactions...why exactly are you anticipating it? Could it be that you know it's a natural reaction to object to your wife being alone with another man? (not for work or planning something etc...) Him keeping you from your friends is a problem I agree, but not wanting his wife out to lunch by herself with another man sounds reasonable to me. I mean my husband and I just wouldn't do that...we hang out with friends without the other but never soley alone with a member of the opposite sex. Just doesn't seem like a good idea to me, but perhaps someone else will post what you want to hear?

[Pucca]

Well I don't agree with anything you said and think it's controlling for a spouse to dictate whom someone can and can't see, but I didn't ask for advice just so someone would say what I want to hear.
Also, yeah my husband hanging out with his childhood buddies who are not the best influences and me not being upset about it is because I trust him.

To each their own I guess.

[bpd2]

looks like there are three questions here: you think your husband may be bipolar; you think you may be borderline; and you don't know whether to make a lunch date with a married man .

Do I need to say more?........

[Perna]

I don't think jealousy necessarily has anything to do with any mental illness/state; some people have that attribute/training/background is all. I'm with you Pucca and neither I nor my husband would have trouble going out alone with someone of the opposite sex and/or telling the other; my husband recently asked me to befriend an old girlfriend who had contacted him on Facebook because she was having problems and he didn't know how to deal with them and thought I'd be better at helping her! I did contact her (even recommended she come here) and now we email occasionally, having had a good several emails and she's my friend on Facebook too. He has several old girlfriends who have contacted him on Facebook. I actually told the one I mentioned "thank you" as I figure it is she and the other women who have been in his life (his first wife, especially) who "trained" him so well so he's an excellent husband now, LOL. I got the benefit of their rubbing off some of his rougher spots and polishing him up

Were I you, I would tell your husband you're going to lunch with a guy friend you knew in high school and do it in such a way that you sound excited/pleased and expect him to fall in with your mood. If he expresses anger or jealousy, express "calm" surprise in return? Ask if he'd like to meet him before/after or suggest maybe you all have a party and invite he and his wife and some other couple friends or whatever but explain to him, calmly, that his feelings about your friend whom he does not know (yet) don't count for a whole lot; that presumably he knows and trusts you or he wouldn't be married to you and his "ugly" words/thoughts are uncalled for and you find them hurtful.

[Uprwestsdr]

Oh god, I can't believe I'm quoting Al-anon. "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Sometimes it's better to accept things in other people just to keep the peace. Is it worth a fight? How important is it that you meet another man by yourself?

[bpd2]

I keep looking back at the initial post, where you seem to acknowledge the mood disorders likely in both you and your husband. Jealousy crops up in most people. For people with mood disorders, it's a trigger. Hence, your post?

And marriage is an agreement to protect the relationship. If your husband doesn't want this sort of "date", then it's best to respect that--which doesn't mean you can't ask him to join you.

[tattoogirl33]

Originally Posted by bpd2

I keep looking back at the initial post, where you seem to acknowledge the mood disorders likely in both you and your husband. Jealousy crops up in most people. For people with mood disorders, it's a trigger. Hence, your post?

And marriage is an agreement to protect the relationship. If your husband doesn't want this sort of "date", then it's best to respect that--which doesn't mean you can't ask him to join you.

Couldn't have said it better!!!