My emotional lability and possible BPD

Hi everyone. I've been on PC for awhile, but I've never posted. I have stalked the forums, but not in a creepy way. ; )

I do not have a diagnosis, but I suspect that I may have BPD. I dissociate, I have intense mood swings, I always assume that people will reject me (even people I've been "close" with for years),etc. However, I also have reasons for thinking that my problem may not be BPD. For example, while I am very sensitive to criticism, I rarely get angry at others for how they treat me. My negative emotional response is directed at myself- why am I such a failure of a human being that *insertnamehere* treated me with such little respect? I also do not self-harm, am generally not suicidal, and am too anxious to be impulsive. Of course, I recognize that not all people with BPD will experience all of the symptoms...

I believe that, if I had a greater understanding of the mood disturbances associated with BPD, it would be easier for me to decide whether or not I should bring possible BPD to my therapist's attention. My mood swings are intense. When I am low, simply getting through a routine task like showering is difficult. I feel as if nothing will ever improve, and I believe that I am unlovable; occasionally, I have to sleep to avoid the emotional pain. When I am experiencing the opposite end of the spectrum, I feel incredibly confident. I believe that I am destined for great things, that I will be the victim turned hero whose life of intense passion, dedication, and achievement will be remembered for years to come. I have a floating sensation. Sometimes I even feel depressed and hypomanic at the same time. I do not feel that there is a strong correlation between these moods and what occurs in my life, but there is definitely a connection. Generally, my highs stem from daydreams and my lows occur when I am most embedded in reality. This may explain why I am so dissociative, haha. I rarely experience any mood for longer than a few hours, and I have periods where I feel rather stable.

To those of you who suffer from BPD, does this description of mood cycling sound familiar? Thanks for taking the time to read and answer.

Hi and welcome. Yes, what you describe does sound very very familiar.

And anger is tricky. While rage is obvious, and not everyone has rageful outbursts (and some only in private), anger directed toward oneself with thoughts of being "such a failure" and being the cause of another person's thoughts and behavior is anger. When it doesn't feel okay to be angry toward another, it feels okay - safer - to turn the anger toward oneself.

Blaming oneself also carries with it an illusion of power, that somehow we control others' thoughts and behaviors. It takes work to see how separate each person is, whether someone very close to us or someone not known at all. It feels much better when we can live in our own separateness and accept and honor others' separateness.