[RomanSunburn]

I have never been diagnosed as BPD. I have been diagnosed with major chronic depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar (no one has ever wanted to definitely stick me with that one.. they just like to say "You're in spectrum"). Depression fits, anxiety fits, but I never felt like bipolar fit. I've done a little research on BPD, and read two books ("I hate you, don't leave me" and "Stop walking on eggshells") and felt like borderline fits; maybe not 100%, but I'd say 80-90%. Whenever I mention that to anyone they say "Don't go looking for problems" "You don't want to be BPD" etc. etc. etc. Granted, I feel like I live a little bit of a double life... The me the outside world sees, calm, collected, kind, and nice, and then the me only those closest see, which is pretty much the complete opposite (and something I'm very ashamed of).

I know no one here can diagnose me. I am seeing a therapist (though, i haven't seen her in several months because of rough holiday season. My next appointment in next Tuesday). But I was just curious... Did anyone suspect they were BPD before they were diagnosed with it? Did you mention it to your doctors? Basically... What happened?

Thanks everyone! I hope no one feels that I am intruding into this forum, but I was just looking for some answers to something I've been wondering about for a while.

[tattoogirl33]

WELCOME!! I believe any questions about BPD (unless we're being used as research for a Non-BPD class paper...lol) are welcome. Especially when someone is confused as you are..

I was actually taking my 12 yr old son for his therapy as he has Asperger's Syndrom and while his T was questioning me about the "family history" and other dx He mentioned that I didn't seem depressed as I had been dx 10 years prior. So I made appointments for myself. I had never even heard of BPD until my T suggested it.. I fit all 9 criteria but only 5 are needed..

[bpd2]

I'd never heard of borderline before I was diagnosed. Then it was..........very unpleasant for a long time. I felt like a lab rat, in a very small lab.

[ECHOES]

My diagnosis was depression with anxiety for years, bipolar for a short time. Things overlap and we aren't the same every minute of every day.

When I read "Get Me Out of Here" by Rachel Rieland, it was the first time I had read more about BPD than the commonly quoted list that is in books like "I Hate You/Don't Leave Me".
When I read "Get Me Out of Here", I felt very connected to her story, her feelings and reactions. After reading it, I told my current therapist I'd read it and asked if she thought the diagnosis of BPD fit for me. She did. She had thought that it fit me from early on but doesn't focus much on diagnoses and I'd had an unpleasant reaction to a very bluntly announced diagnosis of another personality disorder sprung on me by the therapst just before, and she didn't want to 'bombard' me with another diagnosis so soon. Although one reaction to the diagnosis was concern and distress, another part of my reaction was a feeling of relief to finally put a name to it, and to know that I was not alone in my intense emotions and that, what I suspected for so many years, good therapy was what I needed. I was lucky to land in good therapy with a therapist that I chose and who just happened to have experience with BPD.

I posted a sticky at the top of this forum of a description of BPD that I thought better explained, or explained in more depth than the list I'd seen quoted other places. Have you taken a look at the sticky post?

My therapist said to me, don't get hung up on the diagnosis. And we haven't. I think it was only mentioned once or twice in the 3 years since then. We look beyond the diagnosis, and beyond the intense emotional reactions, to see where they begin and what that beginning place is about.

[Perna]

I was diagnosed as borderline way back in the mid-70's when it was a relatively new/hot diagnosis and meant something slightly different than it does now.

http://www.bpddemystified.com/index.asp?id=16

I see why I got that label but never really took it seriously or fretted over it and, 10 years or so ago when I got curious and asked my T for the first time what diagnosis she was using (I'd been seeing her since the late-70's), she said Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

We look ... beyond the intense emotional reactions, to see where they begin and what that beginning place is about.

Could you talk more about what this means?

[ECHOES]

Sure. For example when I'm having a meltdown - which have become fewer and less intense - about work usually. I fall into despair, an emotional wreck. Things are so overwhelming that I can't even put it in words. I just want to run. I want to quit the job and pack the car and zip off to someplace else. It feels like something I HAVE TO do, and I feel intense panic.

We work backwards to what started this. Maybe it was being asked to do something I feel in capable of. There is fear there of the unknown and unpredictable. There is also fear of failing and even of succeeding. There is also fear of disappointing my manager, and fear that she will be angry with me if I fail.
And then we relate that to what it was like growing up in general and to specific events (although I don't have a lot of memories to come up with specific events). So then I can see that what is happening or going on is 'now' and the intense reaction from me is tied to 'then'. Unpredictability is frightening to a child. Unpredictable events, moods, consequences: anxiety producing/avoid at all costs/run!
Then back to 'now' which isn't 'then'. And while everything has consequences, my performance is within my control for the most part. In realtiy there is an unknown, because I haven't tried this new task yet. In reality the 'consequences' may be personal satisfaction from the achievement, the joy of learning something new. And even if I do fail, the consequences are probably not as serious as I imagine, and my manager can deal with her disappointment personally and professionally - I am not in the danger I imagine.

It's taken me a long time to slow down the though process to look at something this way in therapy, and outside of therapy. The broader perspective allows room for so much more than the good vs. bad of narrower thinking. It's relieving and I'm glad I'm learning to do this, and learning about myself so I can have the response of "Oh, yeah - this feels familiar... It's the way I initially respond, and I'm going to look more at it to see what it's all about."

I can't always see it and that's what makes therapy so relieving, is that my therapist can see it so she can help me see it. It's was 3 years before I could even begin to tell her about the meltdown, if it happened between sessions, and for us to start exploring it.

[ChaoticMind80]

I was seein a pdoc & T from the age of 18, I am now 31. At first it was dysthimia(spelling?) then it was bipolar disorder for YEARS. So, I did a ton of research on bipolar and never thought it was me either. Im seeing a new pdoc, and since I started seeing him, I told him I didnt think I was bipolar. Ive never been one to stay on meds, or continue with therapy. But this time, I dont miss a dose of meds, and I dont miss appts unless Im sick or the snow is awful. But anyways, He said bpd, and I researched it, and Im tellin you I can relate!!! But now, Im rediagnosed with bipolar on top of the bpd, just based on my angry outbursts and not being able to calm myself down until its too late....if you wanna ever talk about things you do, say, feel or experience in your life, Im open to talk, as it helps to be able to relate to others, you dont feel so alone.

May I suggest that you google the subject of BPD...make some notations/possible brief diary of what fits for you and how so....then proceed to submit to your doctor /T....?Google is my brain in the place of where mine should have been hahaha.Seriously tho' you will find absolute loads on anything there.It should assist you in giving a presentation to your care team.Be well.

[Michah]

Hi there!

I was dx with Bpd about 16 years ago (at 21)......followed by Major depressive disorder, GAD, traits of DID, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder Type 2 (Rapid cycling), psychopathic antisocial behavioural problems, traits of ASPD and so the list goes on Many years of psych unit stays and problems with authority ensued. And still I swam in confusion with little understanding of what I was feeling.

At the end of 2007 after 5 years of working and studying, I crashed and burned. Psych unit stay again, new mental health team and a very shrewd psychologist.
After 2 years of therapy, I was sent for testing at a specialist clinic for Aspergers Syndrome, laughing in confusion the whole way, and within the first hour was dx with Aspergers Syndrome. This happened 8 months ago at the age of 36. All other dx where questioned and analysed. Now only 2 of them remain along with the AS.......psychopathic antisocial behavioural issues (bit of a nasty childhood at times) and dissociative episodes that can border on a psychotic presentation.

What I am trying to convey here, is that we are such complex, fluid and dynamic creatures.....we change, we grow and some things come to light only when they are ready to, or when we are ready to receive them. I never expected to be dx with anything. I knew there was "something" wrong, I just never paid it much thought until my behaviour spoke for me.

Please take care of your precious self. Even though the BPD dx was "removed" from my list of mental health disorders, who knows? I think little of names now. The only positive thing to come out of the AS dx is that I am actually getting therapy that I can understand now. It is good to seek answers and it can be very frustrating to "live in mist" as I call it. If a dx will help you understand self, then pursue it with all your being, no matter the outcome.

Big hugs on your journey We are with you.

Michah

[RomanSunburn]

Thanks for all the replies!

I have googled BPD and looked it up in the DSMV, and felt that it fit me (again, not 100%, but more than anything else I know about). I also read Echoes sticky, and that made sense too. This inability to process the same amount of stress and anxiety that others can definitely sticks with me a lot. Intense pain and hurt, basing your identity on others around you, switching between love and hate, and this huge, HUGE fear of being abandoned. If my fiance doesn't say goodnight to me every night before going to sleep I get extremely upset because I feel neglected and abandoned (even though I know that's not the case, his sleeping is not rejecting me, it's him being tired). Plus the whole projecting my own feelings about myself onto others...

I guess the only reason I want this diagnoses, especially when everyone tells me to stop looking for it, is because I think I would feel relieved to know that I am not alone in these thought processes, that I am not a freak, and that there is some sort of help out there, even if it's just the support of others feeling the same way. Constantly being told that is not me hurts, because it just makes me feel like I don't fit in anywhere with how I feel.. like no one understands, maybe? That something must be REALLY wrong with me for me to feel the way I do, for no real reason from my past, have the reactions I do.... I don't know.

I don't want to focus on a diagnosis or get caught up in it or let it define me, I just want to feel not so alone...

Thanks for listening, though, everyone. I see my T tomorrow, but I have no idea if we'll even bring this up (I mentioned it briefly at my last appointment which was back in November or October...).

[ECHOES]

Nice post RomanSunburn. Thanks for sharing that. I nodded my head all the way through.

One thing that bugs me is the inability to see things in the moment. Like when something feels like abandonment but I know it isn't, but it feels like it is... but I know it isn't... but.. well, you know. Or maybe not to just see this, but to be able to reason my way out of the emotional turmoil.

Have you read about attachment theory? Many believe that BPD comes from at least insecure or more likely disorganized attachment to our main caretaker during early life, a time we might not remember a lot about. The patterns are formed there and replayed throughout life. It doesn't mean parents that weren't caring. But, for example, at one time in childrearing history, it was common to let a baby 'cry it out' rather than pick up that baby and comfort her/him. Can you see how that could become something that would be experienced as abandonment, but wasn't. Or if sometimes the cry aroused a resonse of comfort, but other times it didn't. The experience of the child is that my needs are responded to, my needs are not resonded to, or my needs are sometims responded to. The unpredictability of disorganized attachment, in my opinion, does the most harm. These are good caring parents, just being parents, and maybe following the parenting style of the day.

I hope you have a good session with your T tomorrow.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

The experience of the child is that my needs are responded to, my needs are not resonded to, or my needs are sometims responded to.

I was thinking about this yesterday from a different direction, the intense, grossness (as in gross motor skills) of BPD emotions and how it was the intense emotions of an infant that may/may not have been responded to so maybe the child experiences that it was a major cry/screaming fit that was responded to and never learns to see/experience subtler emotions as being useful.

If someone brings you milk eventually when you're hungry and you have been screaming; you learn screaming brings you milk. You keep behaving that way and don't move on to learning to request milk and getting it because when you don't get it, you decide that that means you must have to scream again so why bother ever requesting? You don't get the same experience with "fine motor skills" as you did with the gross ones; everyone reacts to the gross ones, keeps buying you (or displaying their own!) Tonka dumptrucks instead of the Matchbox cars.

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Sure. For example when I'm having a meltdown - which have become fewer and less intense - about work usually. I fall into despair, an emotional wreck. Things are so overwhelming that I can't even put it in words. I just want to run. I want to quit the job and pack the car and zip off to someplace else. It feels like something I HAVE TO do, and I feel intense panic.

We work backwards to what started this. Maybe it was being asked to do something I feel in capable of. There is fear there of the unknown and unpredictable. There is also fear of failing and even of succeeding. There is also fear of disappointing my manager, and fear that she will be angry with me if I fail.
And then we relate that to what it was like growing up in general and to specific events (although I don't have a lot of memories to come up with specific events). So then I can see that what is happening or going on is 'now' and the intense reaction from me is tied to 'then'. Unpredictability is frightening to a child. Unpredictable events, moods, consequences: anxiety producing/avoid at all costs/run!
Then back to 'now' which isn't 'then'. And while everything has consequences, my performance is within my control for the most part. In realtiy there is an unknown, because I haven't tried this new task yet. In reality the 'consequences' may be personal satisfaction from the achievement, the joy of learning something new. And even if I do fail, the consequences are probably not as serious as I imagine, and my manager can deal with her disappointment personally and professionally - I am not in the danger I imagine.

It's taken me a long time to slow down the though process to look at something this way in therapy, and outside of therapy. The broader perspective allows room for so much more than the good vs. bad of narrower thinking. It's relieving and I'm glad I'm learning to do this, and learning about myself so I can have the response of "Oh, yeah - this feels familiar... It's the way I initially respond, and I'm going to look more at it to see what it's all about."

I can't always see it and that's what makes therapy so relieving, is that my therapist can see it so she can help me see it. It's was 3 years before I could even begin to tell her about the meltdown, if it happened between sessions, and for us to start exploring it.

I very much appreciate this. Thank you! It sounds like you have a very good therapist. I wish I had one who could "see it so she can help me see it"! Mine stops at what I see, and I leave the session still anxious, although feeling like I was on the road to recovery...just that I have to do all the discovery. And I often feel to afraid to keep trying! I love your t and want her to adopt me!

[RomanSunburn]

I've tried to think about what could have started the whole over emotional/fear of abandonment issues, but I'm not sure. Perhaps it was something about the way my parents raised me that I simply don't remember. I'm not sure if it's just something in my nature. I don't think my parents were ones to let me cry it out when I was a baby. My mother likes to tell this story about how when I was little, if she didn't change my diaper fast enough, I would hold my breathe until I turned blue and would keep my body completely stiff (making for a very panicked mother and a difficult diaper to change). Also, when I was younger, my dad used to take trips to China for months at a time, but I figure his absence wouldn't have bothered me as much as my mothers.

Anyways, I have to get going (dinner time). Thanks, everyone, for replying and participating in this thread; it's really helpful and makes me feel better.

And, I have to agree, I'm very jealous of Echoes' therapist too! I want a therapist like that!

[RomanSunburn]

I hope no one minds if I start this thread up again...

I've been having trouble recently... The past couple of weeks I have been having these HUGE angry, violent outburts with my fiance. It gets to the point where I think I'm trying to hurt him so he'll finally say something that snaps me out of it. If he says something showing how much I'm hurting him I turn a switch and immediately start taking care of him. The next day is spent begging for forgiveness and "Do you still love me?"s, until something sets me off again. I can't explain them at all. I don't know how to handle the feelings when they're happening (completely out of proportion to what started it) and I certainly don't know how to deal with the aftermath. It's almost liek Id on't believe him that he'll never leave and I have to push him to that to limit to see if he does... I hate it. It makes me hate myself. It's that whole double sided personality I have going on that I mentioned in the first post... The world sees a caring, wondering fiancee. My fiance sees this horrible monster I turn into over nothing... He once described this whole thing as me suddenly flipping a switch. I never noticed, really, until he said it. He said I'd be fine and then all of a sudden BAM! Angry! And he'd try to get away from it, but I just pull him further and further in until the above happens...

I've also decided I don't work well with my therapist and I think I need a new one. I get so anxious about going to see her.. And it doesn't feel like the anxiety of a new therapist that I"m getting used to.. It's like an anxiety where I have to cover up who I am or she won't like me. I think she's too much of a mothering type. I need someone harsher or something... Someone I don't feel the need to hide my problems from. I just don't really know how to find a new one. Especially one that would be willing to work evenings or weekends since my fiance has showed an interest in coming with me and that's the only time he's available.

I put in a request at the library I work at for Rachel Reiland's book, "Get Me Out of Here," like Echoes suggested. Unfortunately, one was on hold for someone, one was lost, and one was checked out. I'm not sure how long it will take.

Thanks all for reading this. I really appreciate being able to be open and express what is really going on with me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, and my fiance is doing the best he can, but I feel like I need an outside perspective. So, thanks again, I am SO glad you all are here.

[ECHOES]

I've also decided I don't work well with my therapist and I think I need a new one. I get so anxious about going to see her.. And it doesn't feel like the anxiety of a new therapist that I"m getting used to.. It's like an anxiety where I have to cover up who I am or she won't like me. I think she's too much of a mothering type. I need someone harsher or something... Someone I don't feel the need to hide my problems from.

It's very important that you talk to your current therapist about this. It's about you, really, and not the therapist, most likely. Staying and working this out will be really helpful to you. Can you see you are attempting to 'manipulate' (sounds harsh, but isn't meant to be, just an observation - not a judgement) your T the same way you do your fiance? This is a theme for you and those themes are important to recognize and talk about.

I hope you enjoy the book. You might be able to find it used and cheap on Amazon.com.

[RomanSunburn]

Thanks for the reply Echoes!

I hadn't really thought about it that way before -- that I'm once again using the feelings I have about myself and projecting them on to others, even with my new T. Or at least, that's how I understand how you mean manipulating them... Changing them in my mind to fit my perception of myself? Or something? Is that kind of what you meant?

I had a bad experience with a T a few years ago which really put me off therapy for over a year (She talked about my cutting in front of my dad without my permission, which was how he found out. She also told me my dreams of dancing were "pipe dreams". She blamed my mom for a lot of things which really had no foundation. And she basically abandoned me when I started college even though the whole reason I started seeing her was because I wanted to continue working with her once I started college, which I told her at our first session). Anyways, that experience has made me really gun shy about opening up to therapists and accepting them (and them accepting me?) and not having a fear that they're going to abandon me. What you said, though, has given me something to think about. Perhaps that fear is part of the reason I'm manipulating my therapist... I guess it's just one of those things I have to work through even though it's 'going to get uncomfortable?

Thoughts?