? for older Borderlines

I didn't know I was BPD until my mid-50's. I don't know if previous therapists applied that diagnosis or not. When I presented for treatment, it was for depression, anxiety, sleep issues, social issues, etc. I have no problem at all with the BPD diagnosis; I like it because it does fit so well.

At least, it fit many of my behaviors when I was younger: violent and volatile relationships, staying in unhealthy relationships, quitting jobs right and left, heavy drug use, excessive alcohol use, etc.

Then I ended up (surprise!! lol) a single parent. I knew I could no longer do any of those things. I had a child to take care of now and I could not do things that could harm my child. I wanted to resume my life after my child was born. Initially I was going to let the child be adopted, but then I changed my mind. Even so, I was going to have a smorgasbord of drugs lined up to enjoy after giving birth. (I can't believe that this sounded so carefully planned, safe, and logical to me at the time.)
Anyway, I returned to college part time for a couple of years, found a good job, entering the work force again and with no option to just bolt. I also had to interact with my child's childcare, doctors, teachers, etc.

So, while I learned to do some things out of necessity, I still suffered from misperceptions, emotional dysregulation, lack of healthy relationships, etc.
When my child was a teen, we both entered therapy, and now years later I continue therapy and a few years ago came the BPD diagnosis.

What I learned over the years was to keep everything in, including the behaviors that are so classic to BPD, although anger and rage were always too great for me to keep completely in. But I was not well, I had just learned how to get by, get along, fly under the radar.

So my question is, how about you?
And, what is it like now?
Because for me, I no longer walk out on jobs (as much as I want to, especially the last year or so), and I don't rage (although I have horrible meltdowns).
What I'm trying to say is that it seems like most of my symptoms are internal. The wild and intense mood swings and emotional dysregulation are still there. The dissociation is still there. The depression and anxiety are still there. I have kept it in, flown under the radar so long, had no one to talk to so I don't know how to talk about emotions and moods. Now I'm in therapy and that's good.
But, sometimes I wonder about how they say that BPD gets better with age.
I wonder if it gets as much better as the professionals think it does. I do think it does get better, but I also wonder if it just molds a person into someone who appears to not have it anymore.

I think I am trying to say that because most of my struggles are so internal, it is harder to get the help I need to feel better. And I wonder if others who are older think that age makes a difference in how we 'look' as BPD and how we are treated for it.

Gentle hugs to you ((Echoes))

I'm no spring chicken, I am 40 y.o.

Doctors say that most with BPD have gone through most symptoms in their 20's. I think that I'm kind of a delayed duckling. My symptoms didn't get bad until my mid 30's. That's when my world came to a crashing halt.

I have 2 young daughters, and really avoided pregnancy for a long time. Honestly, I didn't want to have kids. I was the youngest in the entire family ~ but from a very dysfunctional family. I wasn't really treated like a child, especially not the way a child should be treated. So, I didn't want to pass my lack of knowledge and poor social skills onto another generation.

My ex-hub really wanted kids though. We were together for more than 10 years, and I didn't want the children to see divorce. I wanted it to be "happily ever after". I was very naiive. We had our girls and things went south between my ex and I.

I think that I needed to be the most important person to my ex. And I wasn't. I felt very alone, especially after my brain surgery (03/06). I went into deep depression, and in 03/07, I slipped on the ice and fell upon my head. That worsened my symptoms even more. My ex entirely lacked sympathy and comfort. Instead, he was incredibly frustrated with me. I started withering away and seriously planned ending my life.

That was the lowest I've ever been in my life. I have gone up since then, thankfully, but there are limits. I still struggle emotionally. I fly under the radar. My therapist doesn't believe that I'm that bad. Other BPD's he has dealt with have been more dramatic, and less able to maintain some sense of normalcy in life. I've finally been able to build healthy relationships with my daughters, but it isn't easy at all. My ex has primary custody, which fills me with a lot of guilt and self hate for not being a normal "good mommy". I'm being the best I can ~ which simply isn't good enough to be the primary provider. So, I take care of the girls on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and every other weekend. That's the best that I can do.

Maybe, someday, my girls will understand why. Maybe they won't hold resentment towards me. My girls are my primary motivation to stay alive nowadays. I'd hate to cause them to suffer more drama in their lives. That's where I am. Depression and anxiety are often in my life. Dissociation, yes. An intense desire to hurt things (or myself) often pops in my head. But, yes, I could be worse.

Gentle hugs to you ~ and best wishes!

Hi Echoes, boy, can I relate to all that you wrote . .. or at least some of it! I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until I was 52. Prior to that I definitely "flew under the radar". I was very successful in my career, obtaining a master's degree and working for the same organization in a high stress level job for over twenty years. I never married (experienced one single intense relationship that I ended when my parents rejected the man as a "proper partner) and then continued life as a single working woman. I adopted a child when I was in my early thirties and raised that child (a special needs child) into adulthood before really beginning to experience significant difficulties. I began to experience suicidal thoughts, self-injury (something I hadn't done since early adolesence), severe depression and I had a major operation that resulted in significant physical changes in my appearance. I think menopause also contributed to my demise. I went through a terrible period of insomnia (lasting four or five days at a time of no sleep) and increased stress at my job. I ended up in the hospital two times for serious suicide attempts. I survived and moved on to health.

I know realize that I have always suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. I have struggled all my life to control my wild fluctuations in emotions. I have never learned to self-soothe when upset or frustrated. I mainly used food (an accepted self-soothing method in our society) and later used alcohol. I also lived in my "MIND", forgetting what emotions and feelings truly were. To this day I still struggle to know what and how I feel. As a child, my parents loved me but constantly negated or invalidated what I felt. I was an emotional/passionate child and they were individuals who believed that people "pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and didn't talk about feelings". As a child, I felt as though I was a human living on Mars. When I experienced trauma as a seven year old, I was told that it didn't really happen--it was a bit of a dizzying experience to say the least <G>

Anyway, what i"m trying to say, I don't think that we become "burnt out Borderlines". I think the intensity of the acting out becomes less--let's be real, how many of us fifty year olds are able to stay up past 11:00 p.m.? I know that I can't. It doesn't mean that the pain and disillusionment is any less for us. It doesn't mean that we don't struggle just as much to fit in and find ourselves. It just means that the search or quest just changes according to what our mission is at the age we are. . . think developmental. I don't know about you, but I worry about being alone now because I know that when I get sick, I'm not sure anyone would find me if I died for a few days . .. said because I withdraw from contact rather than cling <G>

HOpe some of this makes sense . . . just remember, it's from my frame of reference and we all travel this road a little differently! Take care

I am 53. I am jealous and don't understand why/how some people can keep jobs (be economically successful) and some can't. I am always on the financial edge. Even though I'm degreed, brilliant, creative and skilled in myriads of ways....I've worked at over 50 (literally) different places (3-4 month cycles, sometimes 2 jobs at once, part-time, full-time). Substitute teaching allows me to not go back, make it through one day or afternoon, go to different schools/districts (I work for 3), etc. I do music gigs at night (I'm wonderful for 2 - 4 hours), I never play a place more than once a week. What I'm saying is, that I've had to look at my history in black and white (AA helped with this), journal and accept myself/issues.

I don't have the energy to be a tornado anymore. I got tired of the bridge burning and rage consequences. I read, read, read self-help books, watch dvds, videos, etc. I work on shame, communication, etc. At this age and stage, I have used and continue to add more coping skills. My kids are grown, my issues have marred them, my daughter is stable married and functioning (but, believe me she has issues!), my son got released from prison (2 years) last year and has been labeled as a sex offender. I am female and have done so many myriads of dysfunctional behaviors trying to be wanted, to feel, and for excitement (good feelings). Lord, I am lucky! I just didn't get caught (men aren't so lucky). There weren't so many agencies, computers, laws...totally different climate back then (age 15-30 stage). I don't talk to my children or family....I divorced all of that years ago because I don't trust myself. Plus, I can't be the way they want me to be (loving, wise and supportive, etc.). They (nobody) don't understand and no one knows the things I have done, had to do to survive (live, pay bills, etc.) or how it is for me inside. This is intense shame and pain, and I distrust myself. I have been homeless. It's always been an up and down rollercoaster of success and sabotage. I finally paid off my debt balance to IRS and then had the Student Loan (1980 loan) people grab my refund check. This happened February 20th. I was already suffering due to the iced weather shutting down the schools and my night gigs. I have lived at BudgetSuites (thank god for them) since 11/09, surviving and paying week to week. But, I'm still here, I still have my car (behind on payments), food, etc. I'm scared, but past experience has instilled me with the faith/knowledge that I'll make it through.

Being older and still here is encouragement enough. All...I've survived..in spite of myself. The greatest thing was the meds (maybe menapause) taking away my sex drive (oh...I also had a partial hysterectomy). I am so glad that I don't have the urge(need) or desire to be in relationships anymore.

Age, has found me isolated by choice (conscious decision). I get hugs, give love and carrying to folks when I'm performing (they think I'm the greatest! They also think I'm living/have a great life!). I've learned to appreciate kids..substituting is great..encouraging and saying great things to them (amends for what I didn't do for my own kids). I do love in a whole nother safe and rewarding way. There is no closeness, no relationships or friendships. I accept the fact and enjoy loving in short-term, temporary platonic spurts.

I'm reading a book called "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me" . It was on a suicide website and I got it from the library! It helped me to realize that my efforts for 'all the right reasons' to join Americorps (domestic peace corps) was really a disguised sabotage and living suicide (hurting myself) attempt. I could never live with other people, do what other people tell me to do, be trapped by a schedule......for an 11-month commitment! I'm worried about retirement (only have Social Security) and want to payoff that damn student loan (Americorps gives an Education Award of $5,000 which would pay it off).
These ideas pop up all the time. They are all very doable. But, I can't do them. Oh, yeah I can....for a short time.

So, I'm fat from years of switching and using meds (menopause, depression, sleeping bouts, medicating myself with food, etc.). Live alone and piecemeal my living expenses. It's quiet, I'm free and my needs are being met. I just found this website to talk to. I've never stayed in therapy longer than a couple of months. I tried a couple of weeks ago. I went to the intake, decided she wasn't okay.....didn't like the pain of rehashing...called the next day and quit (less than 24 hours). I don't have an AA sponsor (sobriety date 7/1/98) because I don't want to go over all that stuff again, don't trust people, no relationship ability, can't/won't do the things they want me to do. But, I go to different groups and meetings (found a new one that I'm trying out next Monday). This works for me (people/not relationships). I understand the reasons why and how I came to be (a lot of years of work and introspection). I use "this too will pass" and I accept the fact that 'I can't go back there" or 'here we go again' or 'start all over'......it's just alot of acceptance and faith, because I have and continue to survive myself. There are alot of peaceful days, sunshine and interesting things to do. I do a lot of gratitude throughout the day. I've learned to listen to people, their lives are quite interesting (better than TV). In some ways, I'm really enjoying life. Contentment and quiet is more satisfying than excitement/romance/wealth/etc.

My values have evolved, so have I. I've learned and practice increasing my patting myself on the back vs. beating myself up all the time). I'm still here.

Therapy was the most help for me but took 20-30 years. I have come to think of it as just being slow to grow up as I didn't get a whole lot of "help" and experience with it my first 20 years. But when there's a phase shift like that, when you start at age 20 trying to figure out how to get along with people and not be so anxious and just interact properly, that makes for a whole different, more complex problem than if you start at age 3? LOL

Melita, I had to laugh at your statement, "I don't have the energy to be a tornado anymore." I do agree that as we age, we have less energy and less drama. I know that I've learned to recognize when my emotions have jumped into the stratosphere . . . well, I've learned to recognize that I jumped into the stratosphere after it's all over. I'd like to get to a place when I see the trigger and calm/soothe myself before I get all twisted up in my thinking. I'm not a bridge burner in a rageful way. I just walk away from relationships and I think I'm so numb I don't feel any pain from the disconnection. I have reached a point where that makes me sad. Like you, I don't have much contact with my family. Extended family moved out west and although they call or email a lot, begging me to come visit, I find myself giving excuses. The drama just isn't worth it to me anymore. Perhaps many of us older borderlines prefer the isolation to the drama of full fledged attempts to make those relationship connections. I don't know about you but that stuff sure was fatiguing!

Sorry to hear about your financial struggles. There's nothing worse than feeling as though you're struggling from pay check to pay check. Hope things improve!

Wish I could say that therapy was a positive experience for me, Perna. When I first had contact with a therapist, shortly after my severe depression, I really connected with her. But she could only work with for a year as she was retiring. Silly me, I thought I could get everything straightened out before she retired. After she left, I tried four or five other therapists but couldn't make a connection that worked.

I do agree with you though that part of the issue is being comfortable and confident in social situations. At my work, I'm confident and comfortable. I can give a lecture to over three hundred people and never break a sweat. Make me attend a social gathering and I become a bundle of anxiety and insecurities (I feel about 8! in a social crowd). But at age 56, I'm not too sure I can learn those critical social skills. I find now that I wish I had entered therapy in my late twenties or thirties. I think change would have been within my grasp.

Hi all, Well this looks like a good place to start since I am new to the site. I was diagnosed with BPD in the 90's. It fit. At first it was a relief to find out what was going on but as time went on I started to feel like I was broken and could not be fixed by medications, by therapy (over 10 years of it), AA, self help, working on me - I just felt broken and irreparable. I have worked so hard at it. You name it. I don't know I feel so hopeless right now. I have managed to let go of most of my friendships as I don't have the energy or the brain power to maintain them. They cause me too much anxiety though I have a few friends that I stay in touch with. My sissie died in 2007 and that is when I really started a spiral down. Losing her was like losing a part of me. She too was a borderline and somehow we seemed to be doing this thing together. She figured a way out and I believe committed suicide. Anyway long story. I am starting back on meds after being off of them for quite some time so hopefully they take some of the edge of this depression. I think the hardest part for me now at 65 next month is the internal struggle in my head. I don't act out as much though the last few weeks have been a struggle with a lot of anger and irritablility. It's mostly in my head now. Oh I too am in AA and I don't talk to my sponsor either - grin. Trust issues but I do have a friend who I am beginning to trust and we chat some. I too did not want to do another 4th step though when I got a new sponsor a few years ago I did one again. I had to put it down as it causes me even more depression. I finished it but you know I don't feel that there is a way out of this. Life is a struggle everyday. I'm tired. I wonder can we get better or is this all there is? Is there any treatment that makes us feel like we can function in the world without feeling so crummy inside? I used to believe it would get better but now....well I lost my faith. I would be curious as to how others feel. I hope I find this page again I am so squirley right now - new meds and depressed my brain isn't working all that good. Anyway thanks for listening.

(((tantasugarman)))

Welcome to Psych Central ~ and the BPD group. I am sorry to hear that your sister also had BPD and committed suicide. That has to be very hard for you.

I have been on a full range of medicines, and have been in & out of therapy (mostly in) for more than 20 years myself. I would like to think that change is possible. I would LOVE to get out of this negative mindset I always find myself in. I did take over one year of DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) and that did help me in avoiding major outbreaks ~ through relaxation skills and building regular positive behaviors to fall onto when I am weak. Changing the mindset, they say, simply requires that we say positive words and statements constantly. Sooner or later, we will start believing those things. I haven't been brave enough to start that yet. 'Brave" may sound like a stupid word to use ~ but it's the only word that seems to fit.

Anyway, thanks for introducing yourself. I hope that you find some helpful techniques to help you get through day to day. By the way, I do also remind myself to slow down from time to time. It helps when I become overwhelmed by whatever ~ just to take some deep breaths and go back to things with more structure. Do "a" first, then onto "b" and so forth. Rather than having stuff all over waiting to be worked upon.

Best wishes to you!

Thanks so much for your input and suggestions. I forget that is what I need to do. I have to remember to believe change is possible and that I can get through this. Sometimes it is so hard.

Today was better. I really tried to keep the negative thought out of my head to believe that someone or something was looking out for me. (I'm in AA.) If I hold on to that it helps. I also am so fortunate as I am married to a man who is so very supportive.

It is a challenge but I suppose many others live with things much more difficult. Today was a better day.

I hope you have/had a good day today. Any words of encouragement help.

Keep on keeping on Shez.

Tantasugarman

Tantasugarman,

It's great to hear that you are married to a very supportive man. Wonderful!

Try to keep those positive reminders in your head. Print out a short list of positive strong beliefs that you have. Put copies of that list wherever you might frequently see them.

For example, I have a list laminated in my purse, next to my wallet. The same list sticks to a wall in my kitchen, in front of the sink. As I wash dishes and prepare meals, that list reminds me that I have 2 daughters that love me. I love the beauty of nature, and my list reminds me that nature is everywhere. Those are facts that I won't argue (99% of the time). That's the important part of it for me. I can't say that I'm screwed and that life isn't worth living when I have those facts looking right at me.

You mentioned others having it worse than you above.

Imo, statements like that don't help at all. I think that they may even feed into my negativity of "life". Know what I mean? A better idea for you may be to someday devote some time to visit a "cause". Like: Meals on Wheels, Support the Troops, feeding homeless people, volunteering at a local library, etc. There are so many causes out there, and they're always thankful and eager to get volunteers. Gives you something to think about that's beyond yourself. A different frame of mind.

Best wishes!