[shezbut]

What a horrible weekend for me!

I tried so hard to be a good mommy. I really did! As usual, I picked up my girls from school on Friday. My 3rd grader's friend wanted to stay the night with us. I remember those fun times from my childhood, my safe escapes from Hell. I accepted her request quickly.

The girl came over Saturday afternoon. We did everything! Went to the Y, and went swimming. Played lots of games. Watched a movie. Ate well & then read books before bed. I was pretty stressed throughout, and had to use every inkling of motivation to keep going. But I did.

The late night went horribly. Before I even fell asleep, my oldest came into my room unable to sleep. I get her calmed down & trying to relax, when in comes my kindergartener crying (from a bad dream). My 3rd grader steps out into the living room quietly. I work on relaxing the younger daughter. Which started working when, suddenly the sleepover wakes too. All 3 girls were then awake all freakin night long.

Not too bad, most people think. Pretty normal, I assume. I live in an apartment building, for disabled people, and the girl above my apartment dislikes me. 3:00 a.m. and the girls are acting as though it's freakin noon! I was exhausted ~ I take meds every day to help me sleep & balance my mood, so the noise was NOT helping. I kept going out into the living room & reminding the girls to tone it down. We have to remember that it's late, others are sleeping, blah, blah...

Their quiet would last for 15 minutes or so, and then I'd have to get up again. I felt like a freakin prison warden or something! Man.....I just hated it! I was fighting very strong impulses to drink a beer (or so), blow up, and string people's necks. I know ~ how freakin evil, isn't it???!

JC! Self hate was also kicking in strongly by the morning, and by the afternoon, it was stuck in me. I couldn't bring myself to give hugs or smiles goodbye, when my ex-hub came to pick everyone up. More self-hate thoughts for that too. I went up to my bf's apartment (upstairs) and cried to him for a little bit. Eric laughed at my comment about avoiding my urge to drink, asking me ,"Why?? Your want to drink a beer and relax, go for it." So, I did.

I drank 3 or 4 beers and relaxed a bit. We went to bed, but I still wallowed in my self-hate. As we kissed (and stuff) my mind was really kicking hard about what a POS I am. All of my self-hate went on to my physical flaws. Here, Eric was all ready & my mind was NOT in the mood.

Thankfully, common sense kicked in & told me that I'd better not give in to my physical desires...because that would only give my mind more ammo against itself. I gave Eric some tender kisses and then said goodnight to him. Nice, huh?

I'm a horrible person....I just hate myself ~ with a passion!!

[BPDlasthouse]

I'm in awe of anyone who can raise kids! For this alone I take my hat off to you, especially as you are struggling with other issues like myself. It doesn't sound to me like what you did (or didn't do) was so terrible as your head has made it. Sounds like ordinary day stuff that everyone with kids and relationships goes through and I'm sure many deal with them far worse than you did. The POS is the disorder. The villain is in our heads. I hope that you can find some peace with yourself tomorrow. Lord knows you can do with a day off from it after today.

[Perna]

Sounds to me like normal feelings! We have a neighbor's dog who is let out and barks for an hour early every morning (actually on another street but he's let out back and our back backs to his back, etc. :-) and my husband was wishing for a gun (we don't have one, wouldn't have/use one) I just wanted to tape the dog barking and make a million, tiny, tape recordings of them to sprinkle all over the front yard at 3:00 a.m. and set them off all at once; no way they'd be able to find them all in the dark, LOL.

Without sleep we're not going to be in good moods! I bet your ex- had "fun" with them after their night too, not

[Irine]

I know how self hate feels. And self hate for no reason just as well. But still i think that you should tell us here

WHAT SPECIFICALLY HAVE YOU DONE THAT YOU DESERVE HATRED FOR??

You spent like 20 hours or more with your children and their friends. You did it despite all the stress.... what else do you want from yourself? Yeah...you even did NOT allow yourself to drink back then, only afterwards. You didn`t allow yourself your physical desires.

It looks more like things OUTSIDE of you got messed up (the little kids who didn`t go to sleep) but as hard as you try - IN THE END - it can not depend 100% on you whether your kids sleep or not. it 50% depends on them too.

So...you see... I think you should allow yourself more and have joy in your life so that you can function better. Sometimes it is just HARD and we can do noting but deal with it. You deal better than me. To my shame - i am 26 and never had a REAL job because of all my fears of other hating me for my possible mistakes and of being sure i will be a failure. I did not graduate college...

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

WHAT SPECIFICALLY HAVE YOU DONE THAT YOU DESERVE HATRED FOR??

I think really evil, cruel thoughts when I'm angry. I fantasize about beating the girls to a pulp, or holding them down in a tub until they drown. We are talking major temptations to do things like these when I become overwhelmed. Thoughts like that are so freaking evil ~ I shouldn't ever have thoughts like those. Especially becoming kind of thrilled by the ideas. I am sick! I HATE myself with a freaking passion!!

I cannot forgive myself for allowing myself to be sexually abused, and simply losing myself in dissociation. Man after boy, followed by other men. Just a weakling. As a child, giving in to everyone's wants. My opinions didn't count until I started running away from home and dropped out of high school.

Strangely, in adulthood, I have been put back into that child-like category again by my mom. Everything that I say is argued against. I am NOT exaggerating either! I don't remember right... I don't know what I'm talking about... Everyone else is right... I am wrong. It drives me crazy!!

Okay, kind of going off in a tangent here. Sorry.

Hey, Shez, I don't know a mom out there, myself included, who doesn't have the "I can't stand these evil little brats one minute longer!" fantasies! I think it goes with the territory of being a mom. I agree with Ladymcbethadmunsen, you did right by your kids by spending time with them, losing sleep and trying to give them a fun filled sleepover. Personally, I have to give you a big kudos for even attempting a little kid sleep over. When my son was younger I dreaded him asking if some of his buddies could sleep over. I knew that it meant no sleep and the house being a total wreak Evil little beasts knew how to pull my chain LOL

As for the invalidating remarks of your mom . . . they are what they are. I'm betting things haven't changed much since you were a little girl. I have to really be careful about the amount of time I spend with my parents. I'm lucky that they live out west and I'm here in the east. The only saving grace of this economy is that I have the ready excuse of saying, "Gee, guess I can't make a trip out this holiday, the air fare is just too outrageous!" Take care and remember to breathe.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there Shez - I've had bad thoughts about my kids - they are just thoughts. And I think most parents feel overwhelmed at times. Parenting is tough! I understand what you're saying - it's hard to take care of our children while trying to heal from the past. I struggle with that nearly daily. Hang in there, okay?

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Shezbut

[shezbut]

Thank you so much Jaybird57, CSC, and MDDBPDPTSD.

I really appreciate your kind words of support and hugs. Thank you!