[girlonfire]

Hello,

I tend to lurk on the forums as opposed to posting, but I feel I've so much welling up inside and I feel typing it out might help me get some perspective.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with BPD - I was out of control - constant suicide attempts, self injury, self-medicating, rage, intense mood swings, etc.
I spent a long time trying to get myself back in the driving seat and with a lot of help and support, I managed to regain some control over my life. I got myself back to college, started seeing a therapist and built a new life for myself.
The thing is, I've felt dull for so long now - almost as if I lost a part of myself throughout the whole process. I don't feel like me anymore
I became increasingly depressed over the last few months and eventually had to go back on anti-depressants. I was spending my days an anxious, depressed bag of nerves and my nights punching myself to punish myself for being such a wreck (I haven't told anyone about that, so I feel relieved already. I find it hard enough to talk about cutting, but I've never told anyone in person that I punch myself)
The anti-depressants started to work, but now my mood has taken a sudden dip in the last week. I've started cutting and punching myself again and I feel very negative, although not suicidal.
I cannot tell if it's the medication or what but my doctor's away for a few weeks so I won't get to see her until the end of the month. I also cannot see my therapist anytime soon as I cannot afford it.
I feel really cut off from all of my supports and I don't know what to do.

If anyone has managed to read through that, thank you.

[disguise123]

is there anything else you can do? Contact another mental health team in the meantime (a free one if available) what about staying with family or friends?

[girlonfire]

Thanks Disguise123. I'm currently going between family and friends, which is helpful to a certain extent. It's better for me than being at my own place anyway.
I can't contact another mental health team as it's an extremely slow process here. I'd literally be waiting months upon getting a referral to a free service. As well as that, I've a good relationship with my therapist and would not want to start over with a new person.
I can't help but feel that I'm going to have to ride out this storm alone and when I get back on my feet financially, I may be able to return for a while.

[disguise123]

well we are always here for support, just to talk through things or for distractions (try the games forum).
Im glad that being around family and friends is helping you somewhat. It can be such a battle struggling with ones own moods.
I hope that you manage in this time until you may see your doctor and therapist again. At least you have faith in them, could you call the doctor to talk before the next appointment (this can be almost impossible where i am).

[girlonfire]

Thank you. I appreciate that. I will check out the games forum too
I can't call my doctor as she's away at the moment. I'm afraid if I go to see another one, he/she will mess around with my medication. Having said that, I'm not sure if this medication is working for me. I suppose I could call my therapist in the meantime to see if that helps.
Thanks again.