[LaLuuz]

Hi. I'm 31, a single mom of 2 and I have BPD. I keep to myself, and refuse contact w/just about everyone. It's exhausting to explain it all. I can't even stand talking about it. But I recently lost a relationship not b/c of my BPD, but b/c he's in a difficult situation and couldn't handle giving himself emotionally to me while he was dealing with what's in his life too. He wanted to remain best friends, and start over again once his issues are resolved, but for a chick w/BPD, we don't understand that. I intentionally pushed him away b/c I couldn't tolerate having an "in between' relationship...I needed all or nothing and threw away the most beautiful friendship I'd ever had b/c of it, and now I realize that I need to understand a new way to think because I'm dying from the inside out. Most importantly, I do everything I can to hide it from my children. But I'm going deeper inside of myself and I don't ever want to hurt my babies. I realize that my decision making b/c of my BPD has hurt them tremendously no matter how much I hide what I feel from them, and I can't tolerate hurting them ever again with the way that I think.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by LaLuuz

Hi. I'm 31, a single mom of 2 and I have BPD. I keep to myself, and refuse contact w/just about everyone. It's exhausting to explain it all. I can't even stand talking about it. But I recently lost a relationship not b/c of my BPD, but b/c he's in a difficult situation and couldn't handle giving himself emotionally to me while he was dealing with what's in his life too. He wanted to remain best friends, and start over again once his issues are resolved, but for a chick w/BPD, we don't understand that. I intentionally pushed him away b/c I couldn't tolerate having an "in between' relationship...I needed all or nothing and threw away the most beautiful friendship I'd ever had b/c of it, and now I realize that I need to understand a new way to think because I'm dying from the inside out. Most importantly, I do everything I can to hide it from my children. But I'm going deeper inside of myself and I don't ever want to hurt my babies. I realize that my decision making b/c of my BPD has hurt them tremendously no matter how much I hide what I feel from them, and I can't tolerate hurting them ever again with the way that I think.

Hi, LaLuuz.

I like your username.

I relate to dying inside.

I relate to throwing away good things; things that are good for us, maybe better for us because of my pain and my fear and my insecurity.

Yes, many of us cannot tolerate the emotional stuff that can really go along with complicated human interactions and situations.

I am so sorry you and your companion had to split up.

For me, bpd manifests itself in feeling like it's all or nothing, "either he does or he doesn't". I have learned to appreciate people and relationships on different levels; still have a lot of work to do. I am just beginning to see the gray areas of people and the gray areas of relationships.

I hope in the future you may learn this too.

You deserve love.

You deserve a good life with good things in it.

Hang in there.

Just coming on this site is a beginning.

Billi

[LaLuuz]

How long has it taken you to learn that everything isn't black and white? It makes me feel better that I'm not alone. I see relationships that way too. Are you in counseling?

[LaLuuz]

I forgot..thanks for being so nice to me.

[Flooded]

Hi and welcome

Hope we can be of some support to you

[shezbut]

Welcome to Psych Central La Luuz!

I can relate a lot to pretty much everything you said.

I'm a divorced mother of 2 daughters (aged 9 and 6 yrs old). Relationships are very difficult for me to: 1. establish and 2. maintain. I try very hard to be the best mom that I can be, but I can be real moody a lot more often than I deem "acceptable". That goes along with my ongoing struggle with self-hate and blame.

I have been in a romantic relationship for the past 2 years with a nearby neighbor. Being "all or nothing", I often find myself absolutely smitten one day and the next I'm completely alienated. Wondering who in the heck I am; how my emotions towards him could change so fast; what's my problem; etc. I alienate myself, rather than share those thoughts with my boyfriend, in fear of being left alone.

I do see a T bi-weekly (though weekly is much more helpful!), as well as a psychiatrist every other month. I have improved, but I obviously still have a way to go in therapy. Thankfully, suicidal ideation doesn't come as often or as intense for the past year. That's a huge improvement! I'm also a little more open to the idea of my traumatic childhood not being entirely my fault. (Kind of up & down there too ~ but part of me feels more accepting of that possibility now.)

Hope that my shared experiences has helped you feel understood and less alone . It's always been a huge relief for me to see that other people can see where my dark thoughts and tendencies come from ~ rather than being simply brushed aside or people not accepting my self-blame and hate.

Gentle hugs and best wishes to you ~ take care!

[Trippin2.0]

Hey, i'm experiencing a similar issue with the man i love. We've split up so many times over the last 2 yrs ( mainly due to my pushing him away) i wanted all or n0thing a week ago,but my sister c0nvinced me i'm being unreas0nble, glad i listened to her and retracted my ultimatum coz i hate being without him,he's my soulmate. Please d0n't feel alone, black and white thinking plagues me 2...