[ProbablyUnwell]

I don't know...I've been to see a handful of different Psych's over the years since I was a kid. Main problem with that is I can't stand sitting there telling a stranger my problems well they sit there all glass eyed listening so I usually wind up lying to them. I can't really stop myself. I figure maybe I can just write it all down on the internet and clear that particular phobia out of my system. I decided to post this here because the last guy I talked to seemed to think that BPD might be the root of my problem but...IDK...so, here it goes

I'm a 22 year old Male. Ever since I was a kid people always complained that I never got excited or seemed to enjoy anything even when I was. I never really noticed it till a couple years back. It seems as the more time passes everything just becomes....Grey. I'm not sad or happy, so I don't really get the whole mood-swing thing. I'm just kind of...nothing on the regular daily basis. I don't care about stuff anymore. Everything just seems trivial. I find it hard to keep my self entertained frequently because of this. I'll pick up a hobby, do it for a little while then just quit once the initial shock of doing something new wears off. I think if it wasn't for that I probably wouldn't have even noticed a problem to begin with.

I also have started noticed a trend of making extremely poorly thought out plans. Four years ago I was getting mail from the local post office and I saw a recruiter. A month later I was at bootcamp with out a second thought to anything, Including my girlfreind who I didn't even tell about it till I was about to leave. When I was still in I would frequently blow all my money on whatever I found. I had a handful of relationships that all kind of imploded after a couple weeks, Usually in a rather...Dramatic...way. My last relationship was over a year ago with a girl I had been chasing for years. After that one blew up I kind of just quit and haven't attempted another one since. When I got out of the military I decided , once again on a whim, that I didn't want to go back home. So I moved to the other side of the US with no job lined up and not nearly enough money to support myself. But for the grace of a good freind I would probably be homeless right now.

On a more Interpersonal level and in connection with the previously stated apathy, I find myself completely detached from every person that I meet. Even people who I claim are my good freinds and who call themselves my good friends. I don't seem to really care about people at all. It's too the point where I don't even get out of the house much anymore. Nobody seems worth talking to or getting to know. I mostly just end up using people for whatever their worth to me. The people I do have interactions with tend to get one of what I call my "face's". For instance I was doing a job interview the other day with a friend of mine. I was talking to this lady and I put on my Pleasent face. It amounts to little more then a small, shy smile, a generally pleasing demeanor and "relating" to whatever the person is talking about. I don't remember her name or what she was talking about. My freind later commented that he had never seen me that way before and we've spent four years together. For my friends I usually go with the sardonic/witty face (slightly cocked eyebrow, occasional side mouth smile, witty reparte and general good humor).

On top of that I tend to swing between hating everything about myself to thinking I'm amazing. I have conflicting Ideologies every other day. Most of the time I can't remember just about anything that's going on. Things from my past seem distant and often times I get confused as to what really happened in my past. Often times I get confused as to whats going on period. I can still function fine I guess...If you can really call sitting around the house doing nothing fine. Even more so now I have a vague sense of unease and unrefined paranoia. Inevitable badness kind of feelings That don't really take any particular shape or form.

I just feel....Lost. I'm to the point where I know I can't live the way I am but am seemingly unable (or unwilling) to make any sort of positive desicion in my life. I seem almost incapable of making any kind of desicion that doesn't pertain to my imediate survival at all. I need...something. I guess. I know it can't be right to be like this and on some level it bothers me. Like tonight it bothers me. Tommrow I may not care at all. That can't be natural...

[Korin]

Some people experiencing what you describe have learned to pretend that things are better than they are. I think most of us would call it ‘putting on a face’. Like you did with the interviewer. We smile when we are having our picture taken even when we don’t feel like smiling. It’s the same thing only on a bigger scale. Big company people say ‘Fake it till you make it’. There’s also ‘Act as if..’. Act as if things are better than they are until they are. Work at that for a while and surprise surprise they are better. It is a fact that your life will be what you make it. And right now you are simply sitting back and letting life chuck whatever it wants in your direction.

The turning point for me was when I got so sick of it all I screamed “Enough is enough! I have suffered enough! I’m finished putting up with this sh**! I don’t care what happens anymore!” Then I stood back and waited for the sky to fall. It didn’t and things began to improve slowly but surely.

Good luck.