[LaLuuz]

First of all I wnt to apologize for taking so much and not giving back. Y'all have already helped me so much, it's incredible how much I'm learning about practically applying a new way to think to keep me psychologically healthy. I'm in school and working both ft so it's hard to get back here...unless I'm desperate and I k now no one will understand but y'all. Thank you so much for being so unselfish.

My little brother is 29. I'm 31. We've been best friends, extremely close since he was born. He's now married and living his own life blah blah. The issue is that he will keep me on the phone for (NO EXAGGERATION!) 3..4....5...6 hours at a time. he must obsess over the minutiae associated with ...EVERYTHING. Right now him and his wife are dealing w/a custody fight over his wife's daughter. if I dont' agree w/his ideas, he gets angry. if I do agree w/his ideas, he tells me I'm wrong and argues more. I must agree with the perfect words that he wants to hear. and even then, he still doesn't want to stop talking. when he lived close to me, he would come over to my house. if I try to be neutral he refuses to accept that. if I ignore him, he would show up at my house. I love him so much but it's some kind of trigger for me. I've come to the point that I'm full of so much rage I can't take anymore. he blocked his number to call me today b/c he knew I won't answer b/c tht's wht I usually do as of late b/c it exhausts me to no end to interact with him. I'm actually posting this as he's talking and he's been talking with zero response from me for the past 15 minutes, b/c I CAN'T GET WORD IN. I don't even know wht he's saying right now. and I've done everything i can to talk myself through it, stay calm, try to play his game so it'll end as soon as possible. telling him the truth does not work. via email...hand written letter..on the phone. he responds that I'm damaged and broken and not right with God and I'm ashamed that I'm not as acomplished as he is and that's why I'm responding that way. which is fine, but it makes him come back even HARDER. God help me I'm sitting here silently crying b/c I feel trapped w/him. How do I help myself get through this ?

[shezbut]

It sounds like your brother kind of sees you as a mother figure. Have you always had this type of relationship with your bother? One, where he could always come to you for help?

You do have every right to expect some distance from your brother. Listening to his troubles is very kind of you ~ but you always playing the same role, instead of him listening to your gripes at time, isn't fair. His snide, hurtful remarks about him being the healthy & successful one is pretty passive-aggressive.

It isn't easy to let remarks like that flow right over you, that's what you're going to have to try doing. Kids make remarks like that all of the time. It hurts, yes. But we can't give in to that behavior, because our giving in only reinforces their tendency.

Gentle hugs to you LaLuuz. I can understand how hard this must be for you. But the reality is that you've got a full plate yourself. The road needs to go both ways, otherwise there is no reward for you to continue the relationship. You deserve respect and sensitivity too!

[ECHOES]

You will have to be direct and firm. You will have to set limits for him, and more importantly for yourself.

Simply take his call, tell him how much time you have (your personal decsion about how much time you want to spend on the call) and when that time is up, tell him and end the call.

If you tell him you have 15 minutes to talk, then when that 15 minutes is up, just matter of factly tell him that the 15 minutes is up and you have to go now. If he can't end the call on his end, then you will just have to repeat that and say goodbye.

You will have to do this consistently for a while. He won't like it, but you have to do this for yourself and not give in to please him. If he shows up at your door immediately after, you will have to tell him through the door that you are busy and don't have time for a phone or an in person visit. He won't like this either.

He won't like these things but you are doing them for yourself.

If he can get to a place where he is receptive, you might be able to suggest that he needs someone professional to listen to him and help him with the things that concern him.

Echoes and Shebutz gave you some great advice, LaLuuz. I totally agree with Echoes that you're going to have to go through the anguish of setting some very firm boundaries/limits with your brother. He isn't going to like it but it is for your benefit as well as his. When you politely but firmly end the conversation after ten or fifteen minutes, you need to be prepared for him to possibly retailiate in anger. This can take the form of heated attempts to call again and shame you for your "uncaring attitude" and then possibly followed by cold withdrawal to punish you. Hang in there and remain connected to him by responding to his attempts to reconnect another day BUT remember to reset the time limit with the next call. When we set boundaries, people will push up against them time and time again, but after a while they learn that we are serious and have the right to set this limit. Your brother doesn't have to "like" the boundaries you set, he just has to learn to respect them. Good luck!

[porcupine2]

It's hard to set boundaries, especially if you are used to playing 'the rescuer'. I like the idea of a 15 minute limit. I have had to do the same with my sister - (ie, if you call me when you are drinking, I will hang up. If you call me to gossip about other members of the family, I will hang up, and so on). She is toxic to me, and it seems your brother is toxic for you. Set a timer, and after 15 minutes get off the phone. And if you have to tell a white lie so be it. Oops, someone's at the door. I have an appointment. My battery on the phone is dying. Someone else is clicking in and i have to take the call. My dinner is ready. Etc.. I don't feel bad about lying, instead I ask why do I feel the need to lie to you?