[I'mNotReal]

Okay, here is my problem:

I don’t know when I “end” and the other person “begins”… Sometimes, it seems like I am the other person like… (Damn! it’s so hard to explain) …like we were so close that we were only one. Emotionally, of course. I sometimes feel I’m copying people’s personalities.

Someone once told me that I do copy my friends and I hate this comparison. I didn’t know it could be a BPD thing until the other day when I heard a girl talking about it on YouTube. I started doing researches on BPD, then. It seems to help me when I’m not feeling good. I was never diagnosed but I relate so much that I think any information can be useful because I still have to deal with this… crazy person living inside my head.

Anyways… it just came into my mind that maybe I’m incorporating (not consciously) some symptoms I read about. Maybe not. God! I really don’t know. So now I wonder if I’m making these symptoms up and no way I’m borderline or……… this is a typical borderline question/action and if I’m really doing this it just confirms that I’m borderline…..?? Does it make any sense??? It sounds so confused. And the worse thing is that even in so much pain I still doubting that I’m in pain! Sometimes I wonder If I’m really feeling this bad. Maybe I’m not, right? Maybe I’m not…

Right now, I don’t even know if I’m being honest.

[LatinTigress]

I sooooo understand what you mean. It happens to me. Although I'm not really sure that "copying" it's the right word. Borderlines don't really know who they are, so they are like children learning from others. I feel like I sometimes take traits from other people (something that only now I'm aware of doing) and try and see if it "fits" me. There's also that need of relating to others (I'm not sure how to explain this).
I read that a borderline tends to be different person according to the people they are with. Because I don't really know who I am, I mold myself to a certain social encounter so I can feel more comfortable interacting with the people around me.
It's not something that I do consciously, but since I started treatment, it is something that I started noticing.
I hope this helps you understand a little more.

[beauflow]

I'mNotReal- Do you see a Therapist or Psychologist?
I think you should print out what you wrote (or summarize it) and take it in if you do.

I know people always tell me (**Don't dx yourself**) I get told that and I can get agitated a little for I read the dx's, I can put me where i fit on sheet (i know me more than a one time session with a pdoc which is what I get with going through the county, I see my therapist more on a regular basis though), But the thing is I have shared some of this comparison with my Therapist and we talk about it. She agrees she too sees the symptoms of things. She may not full out dx me as BPD but- she does dx me with the traits of along with bipolar and ptsd. (the ptsd i was shocked on- i thought i got over child hood things LOL sorry for the sick joke but see- they can help to realize things)

I don't think that it is good to DX ourselves, don't get me wrong, but I think we can help out the people that we only see a few times out of a month, or only a few times with our journey with this..... and they can help to find a grip on where we are.

wish you well

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I do know what you are saying I'mnotreal. For a time, I stopped trying to figure out who I was and just tried to be who someone else wanted me to be, usually my SO. The more I found out about what he wanted in a wife, the more I could become her. I figured that if I went through all that to make him happy, that he would want to make me happy. It did not work out that way though.
I just became a softer more compliant reflection of him. Sigh.
I still do not know who I am, but I know that i am not going to find her in someone else. I will not find the type of acceptance I seek in someone else either.
I do know what you mean about not even being sure if the pain you feel is real. Sometimes I wonder too. Am I really this messed up? Or are those who accuse me of attention seeking correct? Do I do all this just for attention?
Since I remove myself from people as much as possible, I can not see that this is for attention. I think my pain is real. I think it is OK to validate my own pain as real.
I think it is OK to validate yours too. What you feel is real. Even if what you feel is confusion, confusion is real and our feelings can give us insight into what might be going on. Your confusion and pain are real. I do not know what, if anything, they are trying to tell you. But know that you are real and your feelings are real and it is OK to feel them. HUGS

[LatinTigress]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

For a time, I stopped trying to figure out who I was and just tried to be who someone else wanted me to be, usually my SO. The more I found out about what he wanted in a wife, the more I could become her. I figured that if I went through all that to make him happy, that he would want to make me happy. It did not work out that way though.
I just became a softer more compliant reflection of him. Sigh.

This is exactly what I did with my husband. That's why my marriage failed.

[I'mNotReal]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

I think it is OK to validate my own pain as real.
I think it is OK to validate yours too. What you feel is real. Even if what you feel is confusion, confusion is real and our feelings can give us insight into what might be going on. Your confusion and pain are real. I do not know what, if anything, they are trying to tell you. But know that you are real and your feelings are real and it is OK to feel them. HUGS

Thank you very much for this

[I'mNotReal]

[QUOTE=beauflow;2094775]I'mNotReal- Do you see a Therapist or Psychologist?

Nope. I haven't seen a Psychologist in a few years...
I want to. But I can't tell a Psychologist what is going on with me. I just can't speak. I feel lost. I dont know how to start.
What if s/he thinks I'm stupid or...... I dont know...
S/he will think I'm okay when I'm not okay and will send me home saying "stop being an attention seeker.
I'm afraid.

[frowningdown]

I used to be afraid of them too. After gaining mor experience with them, I have learned that they are people who are paid to accept us as we are. That might not help you very much right now, but it did me. If a therapist or psychiatrist can not accept me for who I am right now, then they are not doing their job. It is time for me to find a different one. That does not mean that any time I disagree with them, I leave. It does mean that if I am ever intimidated or not taken seriously, then that is disrespectful to me. If a professional is disrespectful to me, they are not very professional, IMO. Yes, I may need the help of a professional, but I do not need the "help" of one who will treat me poorly. I have only found a couple of therapists like this. Most of them are people who went into this field because they cared about people. Do you know anyone in your area that you could ask about which therapists are good and maybe find a recommendation?
Otherwise, you could always just google and find therapists in your area, then look for reviews on the ones you find and go from there.