[become_UNmasked]

how do you know your doing it, and how do you change it or control it?

[mcl6136]

See shades of grey. Practice catching yourself saying "never" and "always"...good evidence that you're splitting. Take people off pedestals.

Realize moments when you are trying to crowd someone into a format that they don't fit. Realize that nobody is all good; all bad. Catch someone you hate doing something good or at least neutral. Understand when someone you love makes a blunder. Let yourself off the hook.

Go and look at the sky and see beauty in the grey shades. Wear grey clothing.

[become_UNmasked]

it's harder than it sounds, isn't it? i mean i'm splitting alllll the time with people, and it's hard for me to grasp that someone isn't all good or all bad. i have no friends because of splitting. and i realize it's mostly if not ALL my fault.

i wonder how i split with my husband.. what i do or how i cope with it, maybe he's someone i see as all good? but how is that possible when he gets on my nerves sometimes.. or maybe i split with him when i think i want out of our marriage for something "small"

this is just something i'm starting to grasp the idea of.

[Ashleigh28]

This is a LOOOOONG process, to identify splitting and to start to cope with it.

It starts with how we judge people and most importantly ourselves. Judging can be a way to avoid responsibility, it can be away to escape conflict, reality or even our own behaviors. Ultimately splitting starts with our initial judgments of people and ourselves.

Consider the difference between a judgment and a statement of fact, a statement of fact may seem to be a judgment because the fact is simultaneously being judged.

"I am fat" may simply be a statement of fact. But if I add (in thoughts, implication, or tone of voice) that the idea of being fat is bad or unattractive, then a judgment is added. Thus I equate my body as all bad... because of all that judgment. With that bad, I end up feeling worthless, sad, defeated and unmotivated to change, because I am “bad” so what’s the point?

Does any of that make sense?

Judgments often masquerade as statements of fact, so they can be hard to catch. But when you start to to see these within yourself, it will help with your relationships with other people.

You meet a new therapist and instantly, they are more dominant, superior to you, if they really listen and seem to care about you, instead of thinking “they are good at their job” we think, “they really care about me” We instantly put them in the good part and nothing they do can be wrong.

When you catch yourself doing it, be objective..write a list of of good, bad and in the middle behaviors. Or things you like about them, things you don’t like or indifferent things. (If you have to make an explanation for a good thing… it doesn’t belong there)

Making lists not only “voice” out your thoughts, but it also starts you thinking about the person as a whole, without judging… just statement of facts.

Hopefully it will bring clarity and stifle some of that splitting and over time you can change that behavior.

[become_UNmasked]

can you give me an example of writting a list of good bad and in the middle behaviors?

like with my friend katie... i believe i see her as all bad.
so good behaviors would be?
shes there when i need her to be, although surfacy and not in depth.... so middle would be how it's surfacy and not in depth???? and bad would be how she judges how i parent my son???

[become_UNmasked]

how do you handle splitting when you realize your doing it? like with katie?? i really don't want to be friends with her, i view her as a threat because of how i feel she judges me.. is that enough to really de-friend someone?
or my friend kari, who doesn't view borderline as a struggle at all and i should just "get over" my issues with things... should we continue being friends but keep things surfacy??? i don't like surfacy friendships. i miss in-depth friendships that truly understand me.

[ECHOES]

You learn all you can about yourself.
What is it about you, what does it say about you that you think someone judges you? Judges you in what way? What does that bring up for you? What does friendship mean to you? Why would you share borderline pd with others - what is it you are looking for from them? BPD is about us, about how we perceive. Some want others to know about it so behavior can be overlooked and forgiven (instead of worked on to change); others have different reasons. I choose to not share with a soul and even my therapist and I do not refer to BPD, we just talk about what is going on in my life and what my perceptions about that are. That's were the learning takes place. And she may offer other perspectives, other solutions than the ones I have.

In depth, intimate friendships take time. We don't even need to share everything with a friend to develop a deep, trusting, intimate friendship.

[Ashleigh28]

It so hard to do with people, you have already established relationships with. (including yourself)

Try going through the physical, basic stuff first. I know it seems silly... but her hair, her clothing, her laugh... what do you like or not or are you indifferent on. Then work deeper into it. Leave out how you think she percieves you. (If it isn't fact, it cant go on the list)