are we that difficult

I find it utterly depressing and demoralizing that we are difficult. The thing I hate most is that books I've consulted say "therapists hate to see (bpd's) coming"--I am so afraid of abandonment, especially by a therapist, that after I was first diagnosed as bpd I kept the diagnosis secret from all my other therapists over the next 30 years! I am only just now brave enough to acknowledge my bpd and I recently sent my T an email about it and joined this site as a way of coping. I have been told I am "too thin-skinned"; too "sensitive" "unforgiving and intolerant". It makes me ashamed. That's part of why I hid this diagnosis for so long, and worked at being charming and articulate in therapy so that my T would not dislike me and reject me. Imagine! 30 years with this deceptiveness because I was so afraid of being rejected by a T. Of course, this diminished what I could accomplish in therapy, because we were always treating the outer symptoms and not the hurt and pain within. And they wondered why I had been in therapy so long! It can be a heartbreaking diagnosis. I am just beginning to try to cope with it, and could use support.

OMG...this is my third attempt at this, and my second one was awesome. This one will prob be short, and I'll add and talk to you more later.



Okay....lets see if this one works. It sucks when your new, and feel raw, and exposed. That was me a year ago. I lost family and friends, and told my MIL that I should have slit her throat by now or something to that effect. Anyway...something brings you to therapy right. I was really raw, and felt like nothing, and the craziest person alive, and my husband's side of the family still does a pretty good job of making me feel that way. They are total sensitive narcissists...but that's another story.



Tell the T you're working with that you're borderline. They prob say, "no you're not." Because you've been hiding it. But then, they will ask you why you think that...test you to find out whee you are on the spectrum and work with you b/c you're already their patient.



I had to go through a few. My first one was unemotional, and had to go on maternity leave. She was all business, and by the book. I didn't like it, but kept with it because I thought that was just the deal...we never got to what I thought made me the way I am. The second was nice, and emotional. We didn't really do too much work. We just talked for the most part. The best thing she told me was to hold ice if I was in a mood or anxious. The third one is the best. We moved so I had to get a new one. She has done more with me in the past 4-6 months than any of them. She's not on my insurance...but I'm investing in me. We work, breathe, talk, and she has these little things that pulse from one hand to another that calm me down. We've also done EBT. So she is great.



My best supportive advice is to tell your T, or when you call, ask them if they take borderline patients. All of mine have said yes...and then tested me out etc. To get a feel for where I was on the spectrum.


Much love and hugs to you. I know it's hard work...but it's the time we have to do ya know?



xoxoxoxoxoxo

Oh...also...I forgot to tell you the most important thing. You're not a disease!!! Or a diagnosis!! It took me a long time to get that. I'm a human being. Not an animal, and my feelings are important. I just don't have to scream them. LOL

I'll say more if I think of it.

I have a book called "Sometimes I act crazy - living with borderline personality disorder." The things I like the most about the book: it's written in layman terms; written for those with BPD, their loved ones, and their therapists; at the end of each chapter (which focus' on one trait) there are suggestions on how to better "manage" that trait. My SO and I have been reading it together. I'll read a chapter, then he'll read it and we'll discuss if those traits fit me and the things we can both work on to help not "trigger" that trait. It has been very helpful. Not only for him, but for me as well. It's helped me better understand myself and I feel like I can be a bit more reliant on me and not him. Hope that helps.

What a wonderful So you have! Thanks, you guys. My T is still out of town but I am determined to work on this.

Im just constantly accused of being manipulative or attention seeking - my therapist LOATHES me, my family think its simply a 'phase,' my friends don't actually believe such an illness exists. I could go on and on. What would be nice is for someone to actually understand but of course their never going to unless they have it themselves. I try hard not to let this illness define who i am but i feel incrediably isolated by it - so much so that it does in turn dominate my thoughts and take up far more of my attention than it rightly should. I just want to be able to access the right treatment and find some form of solace in the support it would provide - is that really so much to ask. People may find me difficult but i can assure them i find the world a much more difficult thing to contend with.