I don't know why I write stuff anywhere else because this is the place that most applies to me and I utterly hate all of them I get no joy lately something has gone wrong.

comes a time when borderline becomes such an obvious habit that I question my motives my ability to care... my personal 'structure'!

and the eternal sorry I feel to everybody and everything!...it's exhausting!

and I'm not the first to experience this and not the first to be crushed by internal negativity like detonating from the outside in as I expect anti-matter does...

it's an implosion caused by so many mini explosions that would likely be considered huge by others but they are involved to and damn it I'm tired of saying sorry

why do I feel I have to?...I never did nothing wrong...never really not as bad as I ever thought

I am the same way, James. Always apologizing, usually when I did nothing wrong at all. Always feeling guilty, usually for stupid, inconsequential stuff most people wouldn't think twice about. Can't say how I feel without apologizing, even on this forum. Had a few bad days last week; came on here and ranted, and apologized. We probably lose a lot of respect from other people from always apologizing, particularily when they don't understand it...but what is one to do? As a child with my mom, I couldn't say my feelings without being admonished, without being ignored, or yelled at. Even though that happened so long ago andI know better, it's not something one can just erase.....

it's interesting to look back even hard but for this purpose I should.

I never got away with anything....not ever....always got busted!...even so small to not even understand guilt so much but to understand punishment and maybe I was just a bad kid?

I let others get away with stuff I never understood was bad either....
I never expected some people were just assholes until it was too late

but all I know is that when I had the opportunity finally!...all I wanted to do was be as bad as I could be and not feel anything about it.

thats the best freedom I ever felt ....but it changed my direction forever too.

take on the guilt and crap from others and there is no return....I acted out and still gotta hold back and I'm just gettin' too damn old now to keep sayin' I'm sorry I wish I could just be gentle and sometimes I am most of the time it only takes a trigger and I'm off!!

nasty.

but mostly I'm cool...just I know it's still there....I could leave the house one day and get in serious trouble.

thats borderline to me

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I am the same way, James. Always apologizing, usually when I did nothing wrong at all. Always feeling guilty, usually for stupid, inconsequential stuff most people wouldn't think twice about. Can't say how I feel without apologizing, even on this forum. Had a few bad days last week; came on here and ranted, and apologized. We probably lose a lot of respect from other people from always apologizing, particularily when they don't understand it...but what is one to do? As a child with my mom, I couldn't say my feelings without being admonished, without being ignored, or yelled at. Even though that happened so long ago andI know better, it's not something one can just erase.....

You read my mind...I am the same way. I got a review at my new job and two of my "opportunities" for improvement was being too apologetic. Great.
to you.