[krisakira]

I have always had intense friendships, where we become really close fast, and I really like that, it's exciting and fun. And I wanted to be just like them. Then when I felt like the attention is not all on me, or that maybe they have other friends they want to hang out with, I felt hurt, like abandoned. Then I would tell them, I feel like you don't care, then they tell me I'm selfish, which I probably am. They would tell me all I do is talk about my own problems and I guess I am too needy. This kind of friendships were from high school into my first few years of college.

Now that I have been diagnosed with BPD, things haven't changed too much. Even though I'm aware of these extremes and intrusive thoughts of abandonment, it is still messing with my relationships. I have had arguments with my boyfriend where I feel like he doesn't do "the little things" for me and I accuse him of not caring enough or listening to me even though its 3am, and stupid things like that. I have worked on that, and now I know to fight those feelings, but sometimes I feel like he is breaking up with me when he isn't and has no intention of it. It really upsets me, and I keep looking for reassurance that he's not going to leave me, but its hard to see it when I have these thoughts and feelings that are not reality.

Then I have this friend who i know from OH where I used to live and so our friendship is long-distance now. Well, recently she has been telling me that I'm her best friend and only person besides her brother who she can actually trust. And it made me feel really special to her, and she even wants to visit sometime. She was really exited to visit me this weekend but she texted me saying she wasn't going to, and it really upset me. Then I find out that she went to West Virginia instead and hung out with another friend who she said on Facebook was "the coolest person ever" and that "going to west virinia to hang out with (friends name) is my most favorite thing to do." It made me feel like she doesnt care about me anymore and that I'm not her real best friend anymore, and she says she cant visit me but then she goes there instead. I know WV is closer to her so its not a huge trip like going out to see me in KS but still. It hurt me a lot, and made me feel so alone.

Now I cant make friends at school cause I just shut everyone away from me. I think i am not pretty enough for friends, and that if we don't click right away that theres no chance of becoming friends. No one at school really feels important to me. I just wish this thought processes would go away and that I can have normal relationships I hate this

[roads]

I guess most of us here at one time or another have used that word "normal" coupled with what we most want. A fully-normal life is the one thing none of us will ever have.
I can tell you, though, that you seem to me to be a different krisakira than the krisakira I met through her posts when I arrived at PsychCentral a year ago. You understand the mental health issues you're dealing with much better, and you're developing & using coping skills. You're much more able to express yourself now.
A year ago, I'm not sure that krisakira would have reasoned out the common-sense-fact that WV is closer to Ohio than Kansas. You still feel the hurt, but you can cushion yourself from some of it with your awareness of Objective Data that somewhat balance that Subjective Emotion.
Now you need to turn those same skills to these ideas that you can't make friends at school.
Maybe you've shut people away in the past, BUT beginning now you can open doors, you'll take new classes & meet new people.
You think you aren't pretty enough for friends, BUT look around this world & you'll seen plain & unattractive people with friends ... Physical appearance is important at your age but not everything.
Finally, you say if you don't click right away with someone, there's no chance of becoming friends--but you can't know that till you've tried.

You've had a very difficult path, and I've seen how you've struggled. But I've seen your progress. Making friends in college isn't going to be easy, but nothing for you has been. It's possible, though. I'm seriously pulling for you, as I know many here are.

Roadie

[kala83]

even though I don't share in your particular mental health I would adore getting to know you and having you as a friend

it sounds like you need good people in your life.

Originally Posted by krisakira

I have always had intense friendships, where we become really close fast, and I really like that, it's exciting and fun. And I wanted to be just like them. Then when I felt like the attention is not all on me, or that maybe they have other friends they want to hang out with, I felt hurt, like abandoned. Then I would tell them, I feel like you don't care, then they tell me I'm selfish, which I probably am. They would tell me all I do is talk about my own problems and I guess I am too needy. This kind of friendships were from high school into my first few years of college.

Now that I have been diagnosed with BPD, things haven't changed too much. Even though I'm aware of these extremes and intrusive thoughts of abandonment, it is still messing with my relationships. I have had arguments with my boyfriend where I feel like he doesn't do "the little things" for me and I accuse him of not caring enough or listening to me even though its 3am, and stupid things like that. I have worked on that, and now I know to fight those feelings, but sometimes I feel like he is breaking up with me when he isn't and has no intention of it. It really upsets me, and I keep looking for reassurance that he's not going to leave me, but its hard to see it when I have these thoughts and feelings that are not reality.

Then I have this friend who i know from OH where I used to live and so our friendship is long-distance now. Well, recently she has been telling me that I'm her best friend and only person besides her brother who she can actually trust. And it made me feel really special to her, and she even wants to visit sometime. She was really exited to visit me this weekend but she texted me saying she wasn't going to, and it really upset me. Then I find out that she went to West Virginia instead and hung out with another friend who she said on Facebook was "the coolest person ever" and that "going to west virinia to hang out with (friends name) is my most favorite thing to do." It made me feel like she doesnt care about me anymore and that I'm not her real best friend anymore, and she says she cant visit me but then she goes there instead. I know WV is closer to her so its not a huge trip like going out to see me in KS but still. It hurt me a lot, and made me feel so alone.

Now I cant make friends at school cause I just shut everyone away from me. I think i am not pretty enough for friends, and that if we don't click right away that theres no chance of becoming friends. No one at school really feels important to me. I just wish this thought processes would go away and that I can have normal relationships I hate this

I believe that everyone who shares BPD with you shares your problems to some degree. In my case, making friends just isn't worth it anymore. I hope that we can all get rid of our issues one day so we can have normal, healthy friendships. In the meantime, at least we know our problems. While that doesn't solve them, it's a step in the right direction.

[sugahorse1]

You sound so much like me - I can totally relate

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Even if we can't control how people behave or treat us, it can still hurt a lot when someone decides to hang out with someone else. Esp if we thought we heard them tell us they wanted to see *us*.

I let go of a friend online once because I was chatting with her and she did not answer my chat sentence for almost an hour! And it was because she was busy chatting with someone else on Facebook. So, in our private chat box, I told her, "I respect that you have other friends, but I wish you had at least said, "Billi, I want to talk to __________ now. Be back later," instead of just forgetting about me". She did not reply. I closed the chat box and put her on ignore. I have not talked to her since.

For me, I never know if it's my bpd or if I really am being treated badly. Still, I know when it hurts. When I *feel* disrespected. And even then, I have to be careful not to react too quickly.

Billi

Originally Posted by billi_leli

Even if we can't control how people behave or treat us, it can still hurt a lot when someone decides to hang out with someone else. Esp if we thought we heard them tell us they wanted to see *us*.

I let go of a friend online once because I was chatting with her and she did not answer my chat sentence for almost an hour! And it was because she was busy chatting with someone else on Facebook. So, in our private chat box, I told her, "I respect that you have other friends, but I wish you had at least said, "Billi, I want to talk to __________ now. Be back later," instead of just forgetting about me". She did not reply. I closed the chat box and put her on ignore. I have not talked to her since.

For me, I never know if it's my bpd or if I really am being treated badly. Still, I know when it hurts. When I *feel* disrespected. And even then, I have to be careful not to react too quickly.

Billi

I am the same way Billi. I know when it hurts but I don't usually know if what I'm feeling is a valid feeling---whether others would react the same way, or whether it's all me. I know when I get too close I want them around all the time, and I honestly can't tell the difference whether their reason for not being around, going with someone else is something I SHOULD get upset about. I hurts, but should it hurt? I've said it before.....I understand the way I/we think and to me it seems normal. To me, most people act like insensitive jerks who don't mind hurting each other....and most of the "victims" don't feel the pain...they are just as insensitive. I don't get it....

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I am the same way Billi. I know when it hurts but I don't usually know if what I'm feeling is a valid feeling---whether others would react the same way, or whether it's all me. I know when I get too close I want them around all the time, and I honestly can't tell the difference whether their reason for not being around, going with someone else is something I SHOULD get upset about. I hurts, but should it hurt? I've said it before.....I understand the way I/we think and to me it seems normal. To me, most people act like insensitive jerks who don't mind hurting each other....and most of the "victims" don't feel the pain...they are just as insensitive. I don't get it....

For me, I validate all feelings and it's what I do with them that counts. Like if I am upset with someone, I can still be responsible to judge when to act and when to leave it alone. Most of my feelings esp my anger, are from being ignored or invalidated by my family of origin.

thanks,

Billi

[sugahorse1]

So, are those feelings of rejection valid?

[AngelWolf3]

krisakira, I totally understand what you are going through.

Originally Posted by sugahorse

So, are those feelings of rejection valid?

Yes, of course suga. Doesn't mean they're okay to act on necessarily though...

[sugahorse1]

I battle to stop myself acting on them and that causes so much pain

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I battle to stop myself acting on them and that causes so much pain

I understand...that is the hardest part. We know how we feel and how we want to act, but we also know that it is not usually acceptable to others. They look it is as rash, impulsive, or irrational. So we hold back....and cause ourselves pain. When we DON'T hold back, we are reminded about how "wrong" we were, and pain comes in another form. Either way, there is pain.....

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I battle to stop myself acting on them and that causes so much pain

Yes I know this all too well. I have become so sick of that part of myself, so disgustingly sick that I am forced to want desperately to change it. Pushing the feelings down and bottling them doesn't help, this causes more suffering. Getting feelings out and directing them at others or myself doesn't help, this causes more suffering (what carm is saying, either way I'm in pain).

Good news is that there is an alternative to both those things...the answers are all in DBT my friends, I don't claim to know them well or to have mastered them, but, I AM SO SICK OF MYSELF I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO CHANGE.

When I entered AA I was asked "will you do whatever it takes to get sober?" I said "YES!" I had what we recovering people call the 'gift of desparation.' I believe I have this as far as my BPD goes. The options are to live in misery for the rest of my life or change. I also believe that to fix ourselves we have to do it similar to how we alcoholics achieve sobriety -- it has to be an INSIDE JOB. No amount of validation from others, encouragement, 'talking-it-out' will make us change. We can share experiences, tips, things we do, ideas, talk about our fears but we and only we are responsible for doing the work. We have to read the DBT literature and put it into practice. Meditation sounds great, but am I actually doing it? It won't do much for me sitting on a piece of paper unless I DO it, if I have the gift of desparation you bet I'm going to do it.

Phew, sorry I went onto that little tangent, but I finally got that into words. I am excited for my recovery, as I am for all of you, too.

As far as 'acting' on emotions, there IS an alternative...What I've learned so far:
My current method of dealing with emotions is destructive, it's not going to work anymore. I have to do something non-destructive, I can rebel in healthy ways, I can trash talk a tree or go for a jog the MOMENT I feel my emotions flaring up. The best thing I can do is LEAVE, count my breaths and sit quiet, do something nice for someone else (service work is amazing, just try it sometime , you'll feel better than you thought you would) , do something positive for myself, and self-soothe.
I also want to surrender and accept >> radical acceptance. Things are this way for a reason, I can't change the past, I can't change the future, I can't change people places or things either... I can only change myself and the present moment. I need to accept this. I can move on then...affirm it in my mind, the actions will follow:
In AA recovery, we say the serenity prayer, I have said it countless times before:

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.'

You don't have to be religious or even spiritual either, that's besides the point...the point is that you want to accept (the prayer can also act as a positive affirmation). And wow, we don't have to fight anymore...we don't have to battle, what peace comes with acceptance and surrender...we don't have to fight against things anymore...fighting leads to more fighting, pain to more pain, suffering to more suffering...

Sorry for going on and on...I guess I needed to get those things out. Have a great day everyone.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

So, are those feelings of rejection valid?

If I am feeling rejected, I still am responsible for how I deal with those feelings, whether they are justified or not. And for me, feelings are neither good nor bad.

Sorry for any misunderstanding. I did not meant to invalidate anything or validate anything wrong.

The things I say on here are strictly my opinion. And I am still learning.

Billi