[athena2011]

I was thinking about this 'internal object' concept that I was reading about recently. I find it terribly confusing. But in a nutshell, what I got out of it was this, as an example: Your Mom neglects you and you do not get your needs met by her as an infant or very young child. So you start to hate her, but inwardly. But you're dependent on her for your survival. So outwardly, you idealize her, you 'love' her. You look up to her. Because you have to for survival. You have to think well of her or you're toast - because you'd be completely alone then. But back to this inward hating thing. It's not conscious. You don't realize you hate her. But you grow up with a rage inside of you, you become 'difficult'. You can't connect with her, because inside you really hate her. She also does not connect with you and it gets worse over time. When you act up, she overreacts, or she does something awful like put you down the back stairs to scream your head off for two hours. She doesn't try to understand. Just 'Stop whining'. You're left with the feeling that she just wants you to get the he** away from her, get lost. She ends up hating you too, so doesn't set up any playdates for you, what's the point you're not worth the effort. So you never learn anything different. You never learn to connect with anybody else. You are completely cut off from all human contact. And you are just left with this huge, empty black hole in your heart that you are desperate to fill but you can't. Because you are broken. There is no spirit, no life, you are like the grim reaper - everybody runs away.

But back to your Mom: You think you love her, so when she gets angry or is mean to you or ignores you she must be right, and you must have deserved the treatment you got so now you hate yourself.

So - to my title 'Positive Images'. When I hold the image of my Mom in my mind, it is with a deep sadness. I do not want to hold it in my mind. It is not soothing, it is not comfortable, in fact it is quite the opposite, it actually raises my anxiety levels. But I don't have ANY image that helps. For a while my T got into my head in a positive way and it felt like I was on a drug. I was high for three weeks. But that slowly faded away and now it also causes me anxiety to hold his image in my head.

I was wondering if this is one of the things that sets borderlines apart from everybody else. I think this must relate in some way to 'splitting' which seems to be exclusively mentioned in reference to BPD.

Does anybody here have an image that they can hold in their mind that is comforting?

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by athena2011

I was thinking about this 'internal object' concept that I was reading about recently. I find it terribly confusing. But in a nutshell, what I got out of it was this, as an example: Your Mom neglects you and you do not get your needs met by her as an infant or very young child. So you start to hate her, but inwardly. But you're dependent on her for your survival. So outwardly, you idealize her, you 'love' her. You look up to her. Because you have to for survival. You have to think well of her or you're toast - because you'd be completely alone then. But back to this inward hating thing. It's not conscious. You don't realize you hate her. But you grow up with a rage inside of you, you become 'difficult'. You can't connect with her, because inside you really hate her. She also does not connect with you and it gets worse over time. When you act up, she overreacts, or she does something awful like put you down the back stairs to scream your head off for two hours. She doesn't try to understand. Just 'Stop whining'. You're left with the feeling that she just wants you to get the he** away from her, get lost. She ends up hating you too, so doesn't set up any playdates for you, what's the point you're not worth the effort. So you never learn anything different. You never learn to connect with anybody else. You are completely cut off from all human contact. And you are just left with this huge, empty black hole in your heart that you are desperate to fill but you can't. Because you are broken. There is no spirit, no life, you are like the grim reaper - everybody runs away.

But back to your Mom: You think you love her, so when she gets angry or is mean to you or ignores you she must be right, and you must have deserved the treatment you got so now you hate yourself.

So - to my title 'Positive Images'. When I hold the image of my Mom in my mind, it is with a deep sadness. I do not want to hold it in my mind. It is not soothing, it is not comfortable, in fact it is quite the opposite, it actually raises my anxiety levels. But I don't have ANY image that helps. For a while my T got into my head in a positive way and it felt like I was on a drug. I was high for three weeks. But that slowly faded away and now it also causes me anxiety to hold his image in my head.

I was wondering if this is one of the things that sets borderlines apart from everybody else. I think this must relate in some way to 'splitting' which seems to be exclusively mentioned in reference to BPD.

Does anybody here have an image that they can hold in their mind that is comforting?

well i can understand what u wrote, i dont hate my mother but i do hate the decisions that she made that deeply affected us but i cant blame her because my father had her in deep fear so i grew up without little or no nurturing at all, confused as to what was wrong or right.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by athena2011

I was thinking about this 'internal object' concept that I was reading about recently. I find it terribly confusing. But in a nutshell, what I got out of it was this, as an example: Your Mom neglects you and you do not get your needs met by her as an infant or very young child. So you start to hate her, but inwardly. But you're dependent on her for your survival. So outwardly, you idealize her, you 'love' her. You look up to her. Because you have to for survival. You have to think well of her or you're toast - because you'd be completely alone then. But back to this inward hating thing. It's not conscious. You don't realize you hate her. But you grow up with a rage inside of you, you become 'difficult'. You can't connect with her, because inside you really hate her. She also does not connect with you and it gets worse over time. When you act up, she overreacts, or she does something awful like put you down the back stairs to scream your head off for two hours. She doesn't try to understand. Just 'Stop whining'. You're left with the feeling that she just wants you to get the he** away from her, get lost. She ends up hating you too, so doesn't set up any playdates for you, what's the point you're not worth the effort. So you never learn anything different. You never learn to connect with anybody else. You are completely cut off from all human contact. And you are just left with this huge, empty black hole in your heart that you are desperate to fill but you can't. Because you are broken. There is no spirit, no life, you are like the grim reaper - everybody runs away.

But back to your Mom: You think you love her, so when she gets angry or is mean to you or ignores you she must be right, and you must have deserved the treatment you got so now you hate yourself.

you made me weep, athena. this is my story ... to a tee (but mixed in with physical and sexual abuse from the men in my life as well). yes, this is me. i am 37, and the rage still persists. more rage towards my mother than anyone else, in fact. all i can hold on to is, as a mother, to NOT be my mother ... to love my children so wholly and unconditionally that they never once have to feel unloveable or unprotected or unworthy. because now my children look to me with that same now-defunct love that i once looked to my mother with. and so i owe it to them to be a phenomenal mother. that is my way of dealing with the rage.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by summeryoga

you made me weep, athena. this is my story ... to a tee (but mixed in with physical and sexual abuse from the men in my life as well). yes, this is me. i am 37, and the rage still persists. more rage towards my mother than anyone else, in fact. all i can hold on to is, as a mother, to NOT be my mother ... to love my children so wholly and unconditionally that they never once have to feel unloveable or unprotected or unworthy. because now my children look to me with that same now-defunct love that i once looked to my mother with. and so i owe it to them to be a phenomenal mother. that is my way of dealing with the rage.

I have tried to do the opposite of my mother too. But I have been subjected to an ongoing trauma for the past four years due to my ex's threats to essentially bury me financially and/or take the kids. That means whatever steps I make in trying to be a seemingly happy, stable mother get knocked back a couple of steps by e-mails from his lawyer. When I ask about his demands to his face, he denies it, presumably because he doesn't have the balls to make them to my face. Never seen anybody so spineless.

I see the effect my rage has on my kids. I've managed to control it for the past few days in spite of some recent traumas (threats). My oldest appreciates it. My youngest is hot and cold. It scares me. It's like I can see she is torn between believing me to be genuinely loving versus not trusting me and keeping her distance. It is heartbreaking. But all I can do is try to be consistently gentle and understanding with her. Unfortunately she is aware of my SI and my too frequent wish to be dead. She told me she thinks I don't love her when I am like that. I didn't make that connection. I can see it now - why get close to somebody who may not stick around? It is so sad that I made her feel like that. I was never like that before the threats from her Dad started.

I realized early on in therapy that nobody can help me deal with this 'wimp from he**'. I couldn't talk about it in therapy anymore, it just drove me even more insane. So I figured, why not delve into the reasons why I married the guy and make sure it never ever ever happens again. That's when I reopened old wounds from the past. Not great timing layering that on top of divorce proceedings but this is the first time since I was 16 that I have not worked so it may be my only opportunity to deal with those issues. Same old story everywhere - Mom issues - guy issues.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

well i can understand what u wrote, i dont hate my mother but i do hate the decisions that she made that deeply affected us but i cant blame her because my father had her in deep fear so i grew up without little or no nurturing at all, confused as to what was wrong or right.

It is nice that you recognize the real culprit. So often they seem to get off scott free.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by athena2011

I was thinking about this 'internal object' concept that I was reading about recently. I find it terribly confusing. But in a nutshell, what I got out of it was this, as an example: Your Mom neglects you and you do not get your needs met by her as an infant or very young child. So you start to hate her, but inwardly. But you're dependent on her for your survival. So outwardly, you idealize her, you 'love' her. You look up to her. Because you have to for survival. You have to think well of her or you're toast - because you'd be completely alone then. But back to this inward hating thing. It's not conscious. You don't realize you hate her. But you grow up with a rage inside of you, you become 'difficult'. You can't connect with her, because inside you really hate her. She also does not connect with you and it gets worse over time. When you act up, she overreacts, or she does something awful like put you down the back stairs to scream your head off for two hours. She doesn't try to understand. Just 'Stop whining'. You're left with the feeling that she just wants you to get the he** away from her, get lost. She ends up hating you too, so doesn't set up any playdates for you, what's the point you're not worth the effort. So you never learn anything different. You never learn to connect with anybody else. You are completely cut off from all human contact. And you are just left with this huge, empty black hole in your heart that you are desperate to fill but you can't. Because you are broken. There is no spirit, no life, you are like the grim reaper - everybody runs away.

But back to your Mom: You think you love her, so when she gets angry or is mean to you or ignores you she must be right, and you must have deserved the treatment you got so now you hate yourself.

So - to my title 'Positive Images'. When I hold the image of my Mom in my mind, it is with a deep sadness. I do not want to hold it in my mind. It is not soothing, it is not comfortable, in fact it is quite the opposite, it actually raises my anxiety levels. But I don't have ANY image that helps. For a while my T got into my head in a positive way and it felt like I was on a drug. I was high for three weeks. But that slowly faded away and now it also causes me anxiety to hold his image in my head.

I was wondering if this is one of the things that sets borderlines apart from everybody else. I think this must relate in some way to 'splitting' which seems to be exclusively mentioned in reference to BPD.

Does anybody here have an image that they can hold in their mind that is comforting?

What you wrote is something I can relate to very much. Although I did recognize my aloneness and spent much time alone voluntarily, isolating myself in my bedroom to escape.

I don't have a positive image or a comforting image, no have I ever felt as if I had a comforting or safe place to go or to be, except isolated in my bedroom.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

What you wrote is something I can relate to very much. Although I did recognize my aloneness and spent much time alone voluntarily, isolating myself in my bedroom to escape.

I don't have a positive image or a comforting image, no have I ever felt as if I had a comforting or safe place to go or to be, except isolated in my bedroom.

You know, as I was thinking about your response, I realized I did have a couple of positive images that gave me some comfort. One was my dog (a very calm, friendly black Labrador) and one was my oldest daughter the night she was born. Now I need a stronger figure - somebody stronger than me - and human!

The week after I quit work, I went on a Qi Gong meditation retreat. One thing they pointed out is to call upon your 'master's energy' and your 'generational energy' as you do certain meditations'. A master can be a guide, a mentor, Buddha, Christ, Qi Gong master, whoever inspires you. Generational energy is your ancestors, parents etc. I just so could not relate. It really bugged me. Now I think I know why.

I hope you find your comforting image Echoes.

[shipping]

The concept of the mom makes a lot of sense. When I was old enough to go to college and get a therapist I told my therapist right away, without knowing anything about my condition except that I wanted to die, that the fact that I was able to hate my mother more than I hated myself is why I am in therapy rather than prison for being a psychotic killer. I adored my mother--infants and small children have no other choice. At that point we are truly dependent on the mother for survival. I only began to understand this about 10 years ago when I was with family and we watched an old home movie that included footage of my parents right after I was born. I was about 2 weeks old and in a reclined carrier on a table top. My parents were standing behind me, smiling and talking. There is no sound on the film, but apparently someone offstage said something funny to my mother because she suddenly burst into laughter and she is very beautiful. Baby me, my head turned immediately toward her laughter. I followed her beautiful face and would not take my 2 week old eyes off of her. When I saw this footage, I sobbed. Because I realized only then the fact that I adored my mother from birth, as all infants must. But this was followed by years of various kinds of torment. I never accepted the fact that we were two separate entities and that my mother was her own person. I always kept looking for the sound of her laughter, all my life. My baby brother was born when I was only 18 months old and my first memory is of him being brought home from the hospital. I still see in my mind my mother coming in the house with a white bundle on her shoulder, and I screamed. I became hysterical and was inconsolable. Later, when the torture of public school began, and she made me a misfit, and I experienced racism on top of that, I felt even more consciously that she had betrayed me by being a separate person with her own life. Kids at school told me my mother hated me because I was ugly. Before this, I had never considered that she hated me or that I could hate her. So I went home from school and asked her if she thought I was pretty. She replied, "you're all right, I guess." So I could not argue against what the kids at school said. My mother hated me, so I would hate her back. The emotional energy I invested in hating her kept me going. I think the opposite is much more common, as you said, the child is not conscious of many of these feelings. But I hated my mother with a passion, and began plotting ways to kill her. When I had not thought of a good plan by the time I was 9 or 10, and then I learned what the word suicide meant, I realized that killing myself was the better solution.

Today I think of my T as a positive image, and when she fails me I think of my grandmother. I was lucky. I was lucky because I had a grandmother who loved me and stood up for me when she could. She cradled me and touched me and sang to me after my mom decided she was too busy for that sort of thing. So I am very lucky. My grandmother is no longer alive but she lived to 96 and I had a great deal of quality time with her. So I am still here, and I am not a psychotic killer. Maybe I got a bit off topic; I'm sorry if this is not helpful.

[shipping]

I am new and I got a trigger icon; I looked at FAQ but could not find what that is. Did I do something wrong? I am very sorry.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by shipping

I am new and I got a trigger icon; I looked at FAQ but could not find what that is. Did I do something wrong? I am very sorry.

Sometimes moderators will add a trigger icon if the content of a post might be something that could trigger someone reading the post.


Here is a link to a sticky in the Community Guidelines forum about the use of the trigger icon

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=107951