[arientte]

Hi- I'm new here... glad to find it. I have been up all night with insomnia and am seeing my psychiatrist in the morning. Currently I am prescribed Neurontin and Celexa for my behavioral issues.
I have been going through many hard life changes as of late, ie: lost of job, bought house/living alone, broke up with fiance, experienced rape, have been dealing with intense alcohism, and self injury. In the past year my anger has intensified greatly, as well as my outbursts and inability to control them. I have become very bitter, and just generally explode into rages over small things sometimes even. Recently I have been drinking to the point of blacking out usually multiple times a week, and in these blackouts have been self mutilating to an incredible degree. More intense than it has been in a long time. I can not sleep sober, that is without some random pill or alcohol. I have had horrible insomnia for a long time now as well.
I am tired of living this way. I need help. I read the side effects of these medications I am prescribed and was astonished that so many of them have to do with these exact symptoms. I have a long history of depression, anxiety, etc and have been diagnose with Bipolar II disorder as of late, however I have been convinced for years that I am really struggling with BPD.
I have decided I must stop drinking especially. I want to change. Has anyone had success with any certain medications in dealing with these sort of symptoms? Or any experience with either Celexa or Neurontin?

Any commentary would be greatly appreciated. I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

[RaggedyAnn67]

First, I don't have insomnia, but I am lucky if I can sleep 3 hours in a row. Even then, I have serious night terrors, hypnogogic dreams (hallucinations), or just frustrating incidences that I wake up more exhausted than what I was earlier. That is still an issue for me after it started 6 years ago. I have been the ambien type products, trazadone, seroquel and prazosin. None work, and I could sure use some help here too on that issue.
Second, I was an alcoholic...am....but struggled with accepting that fact. But, I couldn't ignore the fact that when I would drink I could put away up to 16 in a night...and, that's not OK. Plus, the BIGGER picture: I was a suicidal drunk. Obviously, that is seriously dangerous. You stated that you were hurting yourself badly when you were drinking. So, I would really like to suggest that focusing on your drinking concerns would be a very important place to start!! Personally, I saw several inpatient facilities, outpatient addiction therapists and went to a lot of AA meetings to get things rolling. But, it didn't work overnight. It took me years to finally beat it. It was a process for me just like becoming one (an alcoholic). I now have been without alcohol in my life for 2 years 5 months. I never saw my life without alcohol in it. But there is life without it and it is even better than with it!! Stay strong and focused on the ultimate goal ...life without it...during the process.
Third, I am on celexa, and it works for me regarding the serious depression I have. My depression literally hurts me (pain in heart, chest and even my throat tightens and closes). If I don't take it or take less than the dose I am on now, I hurt. So, I stay on it. But, I also take Lamictal which helps stabilize my moods. I am generally more calm now and not so overly angry or crying all the time. (And then there is the severe anxiety which Buspar and Vistiral help with...but there are times that I need to take an Ativan to stop a severe panic attack...but, it also helps me sleep a bit...)
Oh, and though I have only been part of this site recently, I have found it a great place to talk out the things you shared in your post.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by arientte

Hi- I'm new here... glad to find it. I have been up all night with insomnia and am seeing my psychiatrist in the morning. Currently I am prescribed Neurontin and Celexa for my behavioral issues.
I have been going through many hard life changes as of late, ie: lost of job, bought house/living alone, broke up with fiance, experienced rape, have been dealing with intense alcohism, and self injury. In the past year my anger has intensified greatly, as well as my outbursts and inability to control them. I have become very bitter, and just generally explode into rages over small things sometimes even. Recently I have been drinking to the point of blacking out usually multiple times a week, and in these blackouts have been self mutilating to an incredible degree. More intense than it has been in a long time. I can not sleep sober, that is without some random pill or alcohol. I have had horrible insomnia for a long time now as well.
I am tired of living this way. I need help. I read the side effects of these medications I am prescribed and was astonished that so many of them have to do with these exact symptoms. I have a long history of depression, anxiety, etc and have been diagnose with Bipolar II disorder as of late, however I have been convinced for years that I am really struggling with BPD.
I have decided I must stop drinking especially. I want to change. Has anyone had success with any certain medications in dealing with these sort of symptoms? Or any experience with either Celexa or Neurontin?

Any commentary would be greatly appreciated. I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

hi arientte and welcome. Sorry to say I have not found any drugs to be helpful because they all give me brain fog and make me tired. Except i do take seroquel or zopiclone on occasion to help me sleep when i've got major anxiety. But I do have some faith in my therapist and I also find heavy cardio exercise to be helpful for the endorphins (runner's high kind of idea). Like you, I have major life crises going on. This is on top of BPD which I suspect has been lifetime.

[ECHOES]

I took Neurontin and it was the best med I ever took. It is great for falling asleep and staying asleep. But I don't drink, and I don't know how it works if one has had alcohol. I wonder if stopping the alcohol might help it work better. Best to talk to your prescriber.

Have you considered rehab for the alcohol use?

Im no professional but i would definately alert someone about your current issues straight away, if your current therapist is being unresponsive seek a second opinion as it sounds like your drinking may be affecting the natural course of the medication and could cause complications if it goes unchecked.

I feel awful for you hun it sounds like you've been through so much and just need help getting back on your feet. I know it can take a while to get rehabilitated in the uk but i don't know where your from so im not sure if this will be a problem for you. Is it a possibility you could go into rehab? It might be something worth discussing with a health provider. If you have private health insurance then i would definately see about getting an assessment from them (some are free prior to admission) as this would probably speed up the process and may ensure better quality treatment. Have you thought about introducing yourself to the addiction forum? Others there might be able to point you in the right direction and support you. Feel free to keep talking to any us of any time and good luck finding out the true extent of your diagnosis

[arientte]

I so greatly appreciate all the comments left here regarding my questions.

I have been to rehab many times in my life, and have seen a number of therapists as well as been apart of group therapy sessions for months- thought it is hard for me to open up in a group setting and those were mainly due to my obligations when on probation because of drug use in my late teens.
I am afraid of rehab- I don't know. I am afraid of everything some times it seems. Then again, I have been trying to fix myself for a long time, as I have dealt with not only my alcoholism for 10+ years but also the self destructive behaviors. I suppose I used alcohol to numb my intense hyperactive thoughts- in a sense it was a way to "lobotomize" myself perhaps; not to mention, become social. For a long time i've had trouble relating to people and in general feel that I have seemingly sabotaged nearly every relationship I was ever in- though they have always been tumultuous and generally with men i realize now i was trying to save.
Trying to save- as though being able to focus on others internal emotional or outward problems made it easier to forget my own.
I feel I have partially sabotaged relationships for a number of reasons, mostly uncontrollable and usually not consciously. It's as though I don't feel I deserve love. It all feels like one heavy, neverending cycle.
At this point in my life, when before as a younger adult (and child) I was sad all the time- but now it seems easier to deal with the intense emotions that control me if I turn my sadness into anger. I pull away. Just tonight, I was talking to my most recent ex. It was a short but incredibly intense relationship and one that I felt was truly going to last. One i felt i could truly be strong enough to let go of my jealous habits of thinking, learn to trust, believe in him. He broke up with me last week after one of my explosions, over nothing seemingly it began. That night was when I had the worst blackout that I feel I've had in a long time and when I self mutilated horribly- blood on the walls and holes in doors, bruises all over my body. As though I am punishing myself- but is that it? What's worse is, I don't remember doing any of it. At all. Luckily a few friends were there to keep me from really going to far. I'm afraid of that behavior. It sickens me that i have been not only cutting myself for nearly fourteen years off and on, but my self mutilation goes further than that. I have literally given myself horrible concussions from slamming my head into anything near- whether it is pavement, the wall, a bathtub- this behavior makes me feel weak. And the guilt and self disappointment sets in. I have also burned myself in the past.

I still have not drank- it has been almost five days. This is a huge feat for me. I don't remember the last time I went that long. Still there is little to almost no craving of it. I have kept myself busy sleeping, and researching, and writing.

It seems to me that mostly what has helped me most in my life is when I create art, or when I write. I keep my writings secret from everyone I know- I have kept a journal since 2001. I am trying to write a book. I am trying to keep myself busy. I have seen countless therapists as I mentioned previously but I never trust them anymore. Writing has been usually the best therapy for me. I feel as though I am a jekyl and hyde sort of person, where I have two people inside of me, which are at a constant battle nearly every instant of everyday. Usually when I am at my best I can focus on my projects- working in my garden, on my writings, on my paintings and my designs.

For now I will take celexa and klonopin. Sometimes i feel i have so many problems that i have no idea what to start with. My horrible jealousy paralyzes me from being happy in any relationship. I've had bouts with drugs for 10 years plus as well- now I am past abusing most drugs usually- but i do think the drinking is what has helped ruin good things in my life for the most part. I am determined to quit. AA only makes me want to drink more. I believe I need to find a good therapist who i feel i can be truly honest with. I'm a very paranoid person and always feel someone is out to get me. I feel most people hate me. I hate being alone but i also don't like most people it seems- my fear of being alone with my own thoughts is usually what has led me to drink. What's worse usually to me is that I feel I understand all the things i do wrong, even as i am doing them. Still i cannot control myself. My emotions are like waves which sweep over me.

Also, I don't think that one person I've cried to, suggesting I had BPD believed me. It's as though it isn't real. Then i just feel as though I have failed again.

There must be an answer somewhere.