I dont want to be here...

Plain and simple....

we want you here talk to us we shall listen

I know that feeling so well. Sometimes the world seems so uncomfortable. When I was being treated for a suicide attempt all I knew was that I wanted to live. BPD sucks. Life is scary. Death is scary.

However, if you live there is a chance tomorrow might be better. If you die. Game over.

Some times I feel like Game over is ok... Its weird how I think about suicide... One minute I think its so selfish and stupid the next im all game.. But when im all game i dont think of anyone around me.. or how it would effect people.. i just think its over... I guess its selfish.. But maybe i am selfish? I dont no.. All I know is I hate the pain Im in... Physical and emotional...

The thing is the "suicide" ideas aren't that realistic. You probably think you'll doze off into bliss and wind up in a magical land filled with faeries and rainbows. But the reality is much different.

I took the pills got terrified of what NOTHINGNESS for ETERNITY might be and begged my mom to take me to the hospital.

Stomach pumped and a nasty charred drink. I asked the doctors 100 times if I was going to live.

Then I got to pay the hospital bill.

nothingness? i think im ok with that right now...
The only thing that stops me is the beautiful faces of the two that keep me alive... I just wish i was a better mother to them...

Listen to this it will help

i cant at work. stupid barracuda.... but i well tonight. thanks

Brit I totally understand where you're coming from.. I even had/have a plan... You think 'someone else can do it better' or 'they deserve so much more than I could ever give them they shouldn't have to deal with me being this way'.. I know, I really do! But as you look at those beautiful faces just know that NO ONE could EVER love them as much as you do.. and the pain we feel inside is nowhere near the pain they would feel if you were gone. Hang in there and feel free to pm me anytime!

When I look at what I write or even think of my thoughts truly i think what a horrible person to think like this! And tattoo your right! But do you think it truly sits? No... I dont understand why... I want to be content.. be happy but i just cant!!!! Its driving me nuts! ONe minute I feel suicidal and the next Im happy cheerful! WTH!