[tothetop]

I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself. I'm still learning about BPD but am really trying to become educated. I was recently diagnosed after a long time of misdiagnosis as bipolar alone. It's hard sometimes to read about some part of the disorder and then realize how I have done or experienced that exact thing! Arrgh!

My boyfriend recently left me because he couldn't deal with it anymore. I feel like I spent so much time and energy thinking he was going to leave when he wasn't, but now that he's gone because of my actions? It feels awful. And of course instead of expressing myself well and telling him I wanted him to stay, I went off the deep end and was quite successful in ensuring he won't be back again. Sigh. I can't tell you how many times I've done this before in relationships. This one hurts more though, because he is a really wonderful and patient person that got pushed to the breaking point. I wish I could rewind time and do better.

So I'm trying hard to keep trucking along, and take it all in as a clear sign that now that I know what BPD is, I need to take responsibility for learning how to stop sabotaging every GD decent thing that enters my life because I think I don't deserve to be loved or happy.

That's my (short version) story. Glad to be here! Thank you!

[ChasingRabbits]

I'm new here, too.

I can relate to the way you describe your actions in relationships, because I do the exact same thing. In general, I'm a very courteous, kind, and thoughtful person. But when it comes to relationships of any kind, not just romantic, I act so crazy that I'm actually embarrassed for myself when I look back at my actions. Two of my jobs involve helping others with problems, and I've been told, formally and infomally, that I am very good at it. Despite being rational and caring when it comes to others, few can match the finesse of my self-abuse. Like you, I need to stop sabotaging everything because I feel I don't deserve love or happiness.
I hope this forum is a valuable tool for both of us to work on these issues.
Peace and Blessings