[ChasingRabbits]

I really do not even know where to begin. So, I will begin by warning that this post may seem like rambling, or stream of consciousness writing. I hope that it is not too difficult to follow. I have racing thoughts and need to get them out of my head. I am a 31 year old female, and since I was about fifteen I have felt and known that something was not right. I've had an affinity for self-destruction since then. It was, and still is, much worse when alcohol is involved. After destroying yet another relationship and feeling suicidal, I decided to take an online test to "diagnose" myself. BPD is not something that I knew much about, even though one of my jobs involves helping people with various mental illnesses. After spending the past few hours online reading about BPD, I feel like I have it. Unfortunately, I cannot afford therapy. While I work three jobs, all of them are part-time and I do not have insurance. I am college educated, but cannot get a job in the field I am qualified in for another two years due to some summary offenses I have. Those summary offenses were due to my alcohol abuse, impulsive behavior, and compulsion to make bad decisions. I spend so much time dwelling on how miserable I am, but then I will feel better for a little while and decide that I am fine. I'm not fine, and I haven't been for a long time. There is a lot of personal information I would like to share, but I am not ready to do that yet. I will just say that I have had what I consider to be two very serious traumas in my life. When reading the symptoms of BPD, I realized that all of them apply. It scared me, but it also gave me hope. Hope is something that I have been desperate for, for a very long time. I just wanted to introduce myself, and say that I am so grateful that I found this site.

I also recently found this site. It seems like a great place with lots of caring people. Glad you found it, too.

I've also known that there was "something wrong" since I was a teenager, but didn't have a name for it until about 10 years ago. Like you, I'm not seeing a therapist (though I am trying to find one who will respond to me).

I hope you're able to find some peace and support here.

[cboxpalace]

Welcome both of you to the bpd forum!!!

ChasingRabbits.. I hope you find some comfort here, and divulge more whenever you feel ready. I can totally relate to not being able to afford therapy. I don't have insurance either.

DBT is shown to be effective with people who have bpd. There is a free website www.dbtselfhelp.com that goes over the complete dbt curriculum. You may wanna take a look.

-cbox

[amaviena]

You can purchase a DBT workbook which will help a lot. Reading books about this disorder have helped me too. I can't afford therapy right now and I have no insurance so I'm doing the DBT workbook and a CBT workbook. I find they help a lot. It wasn't THAT expensive. Well, I think it's expensive. It was 24 dollars. For each. DBT helps a lot though. Sorry about the rambling.

[ChasingRabbits]

Thanks for the warm welcome and suggestions. I just ordered a DBT workbook from Amazon. I also ordered the book Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. I look forward to spending time here in the forums.

[shipping]

Welcome! I'm so glad you are taking action by getting on this site and now ordering books! That's a lot of progress already. I may be dreaming, but is it possible that some kind of rehab office would help place you in a job for which you are qualified and just give a waive or probationary period for the offenses that may have been a result of your health? OK. I know. Maybe that's too optimistic. But if you have a phone book, you could glance through City of or Government and see if anything sounds possible? Hugs!