Am i really safe now???

tornangel74 · Mar 10, 2012, 04:59 PM

So I guess this is my life. I am trying so hard to pretend I am okay. But damn I am falling apart inside. I wanna drink , eventho I never drink. I want anything to kill all of this pain inside, this torment, the abuse, I hate it... All of my kids dads ( tes they all have diff dads which I am constantly reminded of and that I used to be a stripper) just wanna see me drown .. They really do. I have no support and have had ordeals with both of my kids dads this week. I dont get child support and just seems like they must not feel like they abused me enuf before. So my kids dad came here drunk demanding his kid and she was terrified of him, comes in my house and takes her , so I call the cops --- he tells the cops I was a stripper and diff dads to kids and guess what I am freaking victimized all over again. When does this end? They dont pay me any child support.I wanna move away to where I used to live , where our original court case is at and refile for cs and residential custody. He hardly sees her anyways. Maybe the weekends, but my friend said that would be hard to do. I feel like noone understands the damn pain inside or the struggles and they give up on me. I get sooo tired of it.I love my kids so much and feel they are my only fight in this stupid crappy life. I hate love and dont believe in it. Evryone just uses everyone. And I have been severely beaten by their dads who wanna degrade me to the universe. How can I stand up to all of these guys when I try but the cops and everyone just revictimizes the woman again. I was beaten when I was a girl and sexually abused. I hate my past . I wanna be someone different.. Someone lovable, not damaged, I hate how hard it all is. I really do. I waited on my ex who was abusive and threatened to kill me, I enede it with him after waiting 6 mo for him to come back from Afghan and he came back and ignored me. I hate relationships and trust noone. So I guess this is great. Ugghh. I close most people out and am terribly lonely because people use me and thats the only love I can get or be alone I feel. I guess I will just be alone forever. I ended an abusive relationship and stopped letting people use me. Then all of this. It seems I am chained to my damn past. Why? Why did I have to be the damn victim , being abandoned emotionally , sexually molested my entire childhood, unwanted, god damnit. Why???? And now I will always be forever damaged..............................

Trippin2.0 · Mar 11, 2012, 06:51 AM

Gentle

's
Welcome, words fail me atm. Glad you found us. You're 1 hellava strong lady

cboxpalace · Mar 11, 2012, 02:53 PM

Words don't fail me!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tornangel74

So I guess this is my life. I am trying so hard to pretend I am okay. But damn I am falling apart inside. I wanna drink , eventho I never drink. I want anything to kill all of this pain inside, this torment, the abuse, I hate it...

The fact that you're able to do this shows the strong person that you are. Many, including myself, are not able to do this to the degree that you are. It's NO easy task to pretend everything is ok when things aren't. It's even more difficult not to cave into drugs/alcohol to cope with the pain. Does me saying this help, probably not, but I hope that it does.

Quote:

All of my kids dads ( tes they all have diff dads which I am constantly reminded of and that I used to be a stripper) just wanna see me drown .. They really do.

1. You're right they probably do want to see you drown.
2. Many people have kids by different fathers. It's not a crime, it's not a bad thing, and it doesn't make you bad.
3. Being a stripper is not a mainstream job, but it is a job, it does get bills paid, and you can make good money at it. The fact that you were a stripper does not make you a bad person or DEFINE YOU.

Quote:

I dont get child support and just seems like they must not feel like they abused me enuf before.

Lets analyze this some.....

1. You were a stripper (not illegal) made money, paid bills, took care of children....
2. Dad... pays no child support....

Now... Who's more responsible??

Quote:

So my kids dad came here drunk demanding his kid and she was terrified of him, comes in my house and takes her , so I call the cops

You care about your kids...... A good thing!!! I would also venture a guess that your kids always come first with you...

Quote:

--- he tells the cops I was a stripper and diff dads to kids and guess what I am freaking victimized all over again. When does this end? They dont pay me any child support.

It ends when you take control of it, and turn the tables on him.. It's quite simple to do. The game here is he's using your past to beat you down, you win the game by acknowledging it and then shutting him down..

1. You can't be ashamed that you were a stripper. The girls that strip aren't doing it for fun or free, their doing it to make money. It's not sex to them, it's a job. Your kids have different fathers, so do a lot of kids. He's not paying child support. (I'm assuming these are all facts)

So if something like that was to happen again.. here's how you win..
"You're right, I was a stripper and the money I made went to paying bills, and putting food on the table, and taking care of the kids. The kids have different fathers. What does any of this have to do with anything? How much child support are you paying?

Quote:

I wanna move away to where I used to live , where our original court case is at and refile for cs and residential custody. He hardly sees her anyways. Maybe the weekends, but my friend said that would be hard to do.

I'm assuming that you're in the states, and if you are... I'm not sure that I fully agree with your friend. I guess the questions that might be relevent are is .... were custody arrangements put in a court order where you use to live? and... was it transferred to where you are currently are? If not.. I would think your original location would still hold jurisdication. I'd recommend checking into this here
http://forum.freeadvice.com/ go to the family law section. Some advice here...These questions are answered by lawyers.. so be concise and stick to just the facts of the situation (no personal opinions about the dads)...

Quote:

I feel like noone understands the damn pain inside or the struggles and they give up on me. I get sooo tired of it.I love my kids so much and feel they are my only fight in this stupid crappy life.

I feel much of the same way you do here, but what is important.. Like you.. I get all my strength from my kids because I so desperately don't want them turning out like me, and having the same issues I do.

This tells me that you're not a selfish person and want only the best things for your kids.... <--- that is a good thing.... It also takes great strength to put aside our inner pain so we can focus on our kids.

Quote:

I hate my past . I wanna be someone different.. Someone lovable, not damaged, I hate how hard it all is. I really do.

I think many of us can understand and relate to this.

Quote:

I ended an abusive relationship and stopped letting people use me.

Believe it or not... this is a good thing, and does show that you are capable of having self respect for yourself. There are many people that would tolerate and put up with an abusive relationship because they want to feel loved.

Unfortunately, I don't have answers for everything, but I hope something here helps..

Take care,
-cbox