....advice just sux!

I don't listen to it, I never have....it's a waste of words from people that just like hearing the stuff themselves!

...IF I do happen to ask for it....then I listen to it but only when I ask for it.

throughout my life I have noticed people just wanting to give me advice all the time. "hey there's that dude who's always getting into some kinda crap!...lets give him some advice!"
it's damn infuriating and pretty damn rude as well....I don't give it unless I'm asked for it and even then don't like giving it. It does not usually make a person feel better....which is the whole damn point of talking about things that upset us....I reckon!

I never learned to talk about my problems cos all people wanna do is give me advice, to say crap like "oh...well why don't ya do this?", or "why don't ya do that?"...
or "you really should do this"...."shouldn't of done that" ....."you are kidding....you feel like what?, then you gotta do this then!"
when I feel really bad and want to talk to someone I don't wanna be told what to do about it! I want someone to listen....and VALIDATE the bad feeling ...not make me chase around and validate their bloody ideas about what I'm feeling! So I never learnt to talk much about my endless problems.

thats why I like talking on here because most of the time people will listen (read) to a problem and just go "well yeah..that really sux man"...or "thats too bad ...hope you are ok"...."I really get you and feel it too mate"...."wow! I know what you are going through"... not running for a solution but just giving comfort and understanding. these things work best...I reckon!

..and no advice! all advice does when you don't ask for it is make you feel like a flippin idiot degenerate dumbass misfit who "should know better!"

I have even said this to someone before..."hey getting advice makes me feel like crap man"
their response was...."well you should stop listening to it"

..now thats just absurd!

[ECHOES]

Yeah lets all sit around and "there-there" each other, blame everyone else for everything, and make no attempts to learn more about ourselves or find any relief or answers.













.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Yeah lets all sit around and "there-there" each other, blame everyone else for everything, and make no attempts to learn more about ourselves or find any relief or answers.

that sounds alot like advice there....sarcastic as it may well be?

and as expected, made me feel worse.

that'll teach me to talk about my problems hey?

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I know sometimes hearing advice, especially unsolicited advice, can be uncomfortable.

I have been on both ends, receiving and giving advice.

Have you ever watched someone you care about do the same harmful thing to themselves over and over and over?

I have. Many times. Whether it be SI or substances abuse or maybe just mouthing of to a boss, destructive behavior is just that: destructive. If you really care about someone, you will tell them the truth you see, especially if that information is something that could help them avoid further pain.

I am NOT saying that you are in a self-destructive spiral and I am not saying that your friends or relative or whoever is giving you advice has good motives. What I am trying to say is that they might have good motives.

True, they might only enjoy hearing their own voice. But it is possible that they may have something valid to offer.

It is worth listening to advice and carefully weighing it to see if there is any validity. If not, then discard the advice, but not the person giving it.

[ChaoticSymphony]

I am a fixer, I look for solutions right away to any "problem". I have been a little more humbled since being on here in the sense that sometimes ppl just do need to hear validation. It seems like, since watching others, that after the validation they do start to unravel their own issues and make sense of it. I agree with the above statements as well, ulterior motives are always a question with me but at the same time if one person can say something closest to their truth it may ring true with me.

So monkeyman, I think you have really found your own validation within yourself and allowed us all to see where you are coming from and your friends on here will hopefully remember this. You also have to remember that we aren't mind readers as well as the ppl in your own life (I know this is unsolicited advice lol) know by being assertive and, well, ****ing aggressive if you need this for yourself to become better at expressing yourself without judgments and unsolicited advice. Good luck soulfart

[neuropaper]

thats too bad ...hope you are ok

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

..and no advice! all advice does when you don't ask for it is make you feel like a flippin idiot degenerate dumbass misfit who "should know better!"

Yes, yes, yes...I know this feeling. Because most advice on mental health issues and addictions is so obvious: Do this, stop doing that. For me, it depends on how it's given. Unsolicited, pushy, in-your-face is most definitely not welcome. But when a different person, who I know is just trying to be helpful gives it at a moment when I'm struggling, it comes across completely differently. But they are the ones who usually know those particular times when I'm receptive to it.

Anyway, sorry if I've ever made you feel bad for offering unwanted advice. I most definitely don't think you're any of that stuff above. Sometimes I'm half talking to myself because I've got the same damn problem. I do find though that hitting me over the head with a big stick often gets the message across to me...if I'm out of line. Oops...was that advice?...sorry.

Originally Posted by athena2011

Yes, yes, yes...I know this feeling. Because most advice on mental health issues and addictions is so obvious: Do this, stop doing that. For me, it depends on how it's given. Unsolicited, pushy, in-your-face is most definitely not welcome. But when a different person, who I know is just trying to be helpful gives it at a moment when I'm struggling, it comes across completely differently. But they are the ones who usually know those particular times when I'm receptive to it.

Anyway, sorry if I've ever made you feel bad for offering unwanted advice. I most definitely don't think you're any of that stuff above. Sometimes I'm half talking to myself because I've got the same damn problem. I do find though that hitting me over the head with a big stick often gets the message across to me...if I'm out of line. Oops...was that advice?...sorry.

wow yeah!...your fine Athena,
I can kinda see how I've made it hard for people to know what to do around me now...the "eggshell effect!".....aaaah!...oops.

it is, after all very natural for people to want to rescue other people suffering yes?....and yes, the timing, delivery, real intentions, being receptiveand all that. ...as usual I have gone and generalised the crap out of things up the top there! I seem to be good at it, but I am encouraged that you know what I mean under all the agrivation.

its a tricky area and with someone ultra defensive and hypersensitive and way aware of the obvious...BUT also disassociated with reality and indefatigably dedicated to being abnormal (ummm...think that might be me here)....makes for a clumsy human

an example was yesterday I got bad sunburn working outside. now, for whatever reason I disregarded the obvious which is common for me...to leave the shirt on, use cream, wear a damn hat!
later someone said I looked uncomfortable and I said..."yeah bad sunburn mate"
..."oh right....well you shoulda' had a shirt on and a hat and used cream hey?"

I flippin know this!! ..it aint gonna help me now!! feel like tearing your unsunburnt head off with my sunburnt arms!

...because my life experience is literally teeming with incredibly obvious screw ups, I try desperately to use the em-pathetic approach with others when they screw up instead of the pathetic one!

anyway I must give myself some advice now and with my original comment it might be better if I take more ownership in my writing by using "I"...instead of "you" when describing 'my' problems

Wow, not going to give you any advice but I gotta say that the picture you have at the end of your post is VERY disturbing to me. Just saying, mate.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Wow, not going to give you any advice but I gotta say that the picture you have at the end of your post is VERY disturbing to me. Just saying, mate.

......ok

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Yeah lets all sit around and "there-there" each other, blame everyone else for everything, and make no attempts to learn more about ourselves or find any relief or answers.

Echoes - Not only do you miss the point of the entire thread, nothing you say is helfpul or appropriate in what is SUPPOSE to be a supportive community.

1. What's wrong with someone wanting a "there-there" as you say from time to time? Sometimes, that's what you need when you feel beat down at the bottom of the barrel, and feel defeated. Why? Because, you're wore the f**k out, and you don't have any f**king energy. It's nice just to have someone listen and shut the f**k up. I thnk we can all relate to that.

The post is about the giving of UNSOLICITED ADVICE, the keyword being unsolicited. He's open to advice which he states here..

IF I do happen to ask for it....then I listen to it but only when I ask for it

His values are that it's rude to give advice when not asked for and he states that here..

I don't give it unless I'm asked for it and even then don't like giving it.

. So.. It would only make sense that it would be frustrating to him to get unsolicited advice when he finds it to be personally rude. His point of view is valid. There have been plenty of times I've just wanted to talk to someone "irl", and have them just listen. They don't! The advice they give is overly simplistic and just plain stupid. Not because I'm closed off to it, but because I've probably thought of it, and if it was that simple.. I'd just do it. He brings up an extremely valid point with this, because you get to a point where you don't want to talk to anyone "irl". If you're not talking to people, more than likely you're isolating which isn't good either. This is supported here

all advice does when you don't ask for it is make you feel like a flippin idiot degenerate dumbass misfit who "should know better!"

So.. his post is totally valid and relevent. It is YOU that misses the point!

Now... when someone posts a comment like this...

I never learned to talk about my problems

and you come by with over 11k posts and you post your smarta$$ comment.. It's not supportive or helpful!! Now DM isn't going anywhere, he's been around long enough... A comment like yours to someone who hasn't been around as long could be intimidating and make them feel like more of an outcast, and either stop posting (not good) or try to find another forum where they might be more accepted.

If you don't have anything relevent, supportive, encouraging to say... don't post.... There's no reason to post a comment like yours at the expense of someone else's feelings in your quest for 15k posts...

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

Echoes - Not only do you miss the point of the entire thread, nothing you say is helfpul or appropriate in what is SUPPOSE to be a supportive community.

1. What's wrong with someone wanting a "there-there" as you say from time to time? Sometimes, that's what you need when you feel beat down at the bottom of the barrel, and feel defeated. Why? Because, you're wore the f**k out, and you don't have any f**king energy. It's nice just to have someone listen and shut the f**k up. I thnk we can all relate to that.

The post is about the giving of UNSOLICITED ADVICE, the keyword being unsolicited. He's open to advice which he states here..

His values are that it's rude to give advice when not asked for and he states that here.. . So.. It would only make sense that it would be frustrating to him to get unsolicited advice when he finds it to be personally rude. His point of view is valid. There have been plenty of times I've just wanted to talk to someone "irl", and have them just listen. They don't! The advice they give is overly simplistic and just plain stupid. Not because I'm closed off to it, but because I've probably thought of it, and if it was that simple.. I'd just do it. He brings up an extremely valid point with this, because you get to a point where you don't want to talk to anyone "irl". If you're not talking to people, more than likely you're isolating which isn't good either. This is supported here

So.. his post is totally valid and relevent. It is YOU that misses the point!

Now... when someone posts a comment like this...

and you come by with over 11k posts and you post your smarta$$ comment.. It's not supportive or helpful!! Now DM isn't going anywhere, he's been around long enough... A comment like yours to someone who hasn't been around as long could be intimidating and make them feel like more of an outcast, and either stop posting (not good) or try to find another forum where they might be more accepted.

If you don't have anything relevent, supportive, encouraging to say... don't post.... There's no reason to post a comment like yours at the expense of someone else's feelings in your quest for 15k posts...

....utterly speechless cbox!!

thats easily the best support I've had for a while and exactly when I needed it to buddy.
I take a risk to my personal credibility (which aint much) everytime I wanna express myself here and thanks so much for breaking down my 'stuff' into something I can even understand better...because nearly all of the time I don't know what I mean so much as what I'm feelin'

so grateful cbox...you made my day mate

monkey

[-jimi-]

If you don't ask for advice, people shouldn't give it. And most of all, people shouldn't give STUPID advice on things they don't know anything about.....

God knows how many times I've been told to have a BATH if I'm anxious. I have ANXIETY I'M NOT DIRTY.

Originally Posted by jimrat

If you don't ask for advice, people shouldn't give it. And most of all, people shouldn't give STUPID advice on things they don't know anything about.....

God knows how many times I've been told to have a BATH if I'm anxious. I have ANXIETY I'M NOT DIRTY.

thats some very cool wit you got there jimrat

[Kentarou Kawasaki]

I'm the same way. I usually just like someone to listen, not necessarily cram advice down my throat at every little obvious mistake I make... I know how it feels and I know it just makes you want to rip someones head off sometimes. >:I That's why I'm the same way, I only give advice when asked for it. ^^; So if you ever need anyone to "just listen" I don't mind. (:

[Bitsandpieces]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

its a tricky area and with someone ultra defensive and hypersensitive and way aware of the obvious...BUT also disassociated with reality and indefatigably dedicated to being abnormal (ummm...think that might be me here)....makes for a clumsy human

That is a perfect description! The problem with advice sometime is that we KNOW that, we know that and we ignored it and there's no point in repeating it to us, except to irritate and wound.
It raises the question "Who are you to give me advice? Do you think I'm below you?".

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

an example was yesterday I got bad sunburn working outside. now, for whatever reason I disregarded the obvious which is common for me...to leave the shirt on, use cream, wear a damn hat!
later someone said I looked uncomfortable and I said..."yeah bad sunburn mate"
..."oh right....well you shoulda' had a shirt on and a hat and used cream hey?"

I flippin know this!! ..it aint gonna help me now!! feel like tearing your unsunburnt head off with my sunburnt arms!

And that is the worst kind of advice The one given when it's too late...what is the effin' point?

[pegasus]

I'll just give ya a big fat hug (((((((((((((((( dubblemonkey ))))))))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

that sounds alot like advice there....sarcastic as it may well be?

and as expected, made me feel worse.

that'll teach me to talk about my problems hey?

I sincerely apologize for making you feel worse.
I like to be stimulated to think in new ways. That is support to me, because it holds the possibility of escape from feeling hopeless, trapped, inept, worthless, and on and on. That's about me, and that's where my post came from. Thinking out loud, challenging the idea of hearing advice.

It should have come from a place of compassion, as cboxplace helped me see.

I react to advice to sometimes, because it sounds like a judgement, like verification of my feeling of being inept. It also makes me jealous and envious that someone else can see what seems (to them, usually) and easy solution. Wouldn't life be nice if we had that handbook to guide us.

It is ironic that when I am completely lost, and I don't know what to do!!, it seems that others respond from that same place of not knowing what to do - so they give advice.

But mostly, dubblemonkey and anyone else I upset, I just want to apologize.

[ChaoticSymphony]

I didn't see your initial post echos but I do agree with you too...we can sit here and lie to one another and all sit in our own **** or we can try to be helpful. Ya you may of lacked some compassion with it but the point was there Glad you could see what you lacked and apologized for it, that was really nice and caring of you to do so.

[cboxpalace]

DM - You're more than welcome for the support. We should all be able to vent/express ourselves in a safe environment.

Echoes - I most definetely accept your apology, and a HUGE KUDO's to you not only for your apology, but offering some intelligent insight from your perspective. You've gained much respect from me... Take care of yourself.. -cbox

[widgets]

Originally Posted by jimrat

If you don't ask for advice, people shouldn't give it. And most of all, people shouldn't give STUPID advice on things they don't know anything about.....

God knows how many times I've been told to have a BATH if I'm anxious. I have ANXIETY I'M NOT DIRTY.

I'm very anxious tonight..... more so than usual!

your post just made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.... now i feel a bit better.

I dont get why people tell you to have a bath though.. i cant see why that would help?

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I sincerely apologize for making you feel worse.
I like to be stimulated to think in new ways. That is support to me, because it holds the possibility of escape from feeling hopeless, trapped, inept, worthless, and on and on. That's about me, and that's where my post came from. Thinking out loud, challenging the idea of hearing advice.

It should have come from a place of compassion, as cboxplace helped me see.

I react to advice to sometimes, because it sounds like a judgement, like verification of my feeling of being inept. It also makes me jealous and envious that someone else can see what seems (to them, usually) and easy solution. Wouldn't life be nice if we had that handbook to guide us.

It is ironic that when I am completely lost, and I don't know what to do!!, it seems that others respond from that same place of not knowing what to do - so they give advice.

But mostly, dubblemonkey and anyone else I upset, I just want to apologize.

...it is completely fine ECHOES and thankyou

I kinda knew at the time where you were comin' from....but now definitely recognise what you mean yep.

no worries...thanks again

monkey

[venusss]

Originally Posted by jimrat

If you don't ask for advice, people shouldn't give it. And most of all, people shouldn't give STUPID advice on things they don't know anything about.....

God knows how many times I've been told to have a BATH if I'm anxious. I have ANXIETY I'M NOT DIRTY.

on the other side... baths and showers are calming. some people believe your body accumulates negative energy and that can make you edgy, so by washing... you get rid of it.

Problem here is that i cannot jump in shower all the time and i am most anxious when out there.

But don't discount simple advice automatically, for often it has merit.

[Trippin2.0]

@ widgets and Jimrat:
.
Sometimes my anxiety is so bad it feels like my skin is crawling,and all I want to do is get out of my skin, but that's not possible.

A warm shower/bath helps to calm me, and the friction from the loofa eazes the crawling sensation. I often visualize scrubbing away the anxiety.

Just coz something doesn't make immediate sense doesn't mean it's stupid. I didn't understand the advice either, but it came from a friend and dr I trust and I was desperate enough to try. Might not work for everybody, but don't knock it till you've tried it...