[nic25]

please can someone just help a bit. i just need some ideas from others if this is bpd or not. i cant even go injto all the stuff thats gone b4 coz it wld take 2 long but i was dx with bpd and cyclothymia (mild bipolar) a few years ago and always denied it but havin another blip and im startin to think maybe my dr was right. please tell me if this sounds at all familar cz i cant tell anyone i know. last few months i went thro a stage where i thought i felt amazing. i was on online chatroom and havin cybersex with 3-4 ppl a nite, not sleeping and just felt on top of the world. a week ago i came down and everyday i go from agitation to feeling like i have so much energy which is good then bad energy where the only thing that helps is cutting to feeling like i just want to cry. i reach out to talk 2 people but then when they are there for me i push them away. i go from one crisis to another, either bingeing then being sick, then i drink too much and feel like im falling for ppl ive never met then i feel i dont like them and go onto someone else. every relationship ive had i feel they can neva love me enuff, wheneva they prove it i push the goalposts further to prove theyre gona let me down. all i want is someone to love me but i dont want to let anyone get close enuff. i neva know what is the reall me, the me who is so over confident or the me who hates myself. i just dont know who i am or what i feel but then ill have times where my meds work and i think theres nothin wrong. rite now im so confused. is my dr rite or am i just messed up? please help coz i cant tell anyone all this. i feel like i dont know who the real me is :-(

[Girl_Interrupted]

Does sound like BPD, but you'll have to get diagnosed.

[nic25]

Originally Posted by Girl_Interrupted

Does sound like BPD, but you'll have to get diagnosed.

thanks, i was 4 years ago but didnt believe it. dr told me i had it (well actually he didnt tell me i saw the diagnosis when i opened a leter he gave me for my GP) and then in his notes and when i was asked i was told 'not to worry about it).
i know about bpd and cyclothymia but when its myself its harder to get my head round it.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Okay.I was dx'd with bpd, too, in 2002.It was very traumatic for me. Knowing I had this.I felt so alone.I felt judged by them and by my community.I was also refused treatment because I was "beyond their capabilities" and I think also because they were uncomfortable with it. So I am now trying to deal with it by learning as much as I can about it and also doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (on a website becaue my insurance does not cover it) as well as learning CBT online (cognitive behavioral therapy)I am not a saint or a guru and I am not "there" yet, but I am better than I was and look forward to being even better. It can be dealt with, either in therapy or with self-help and support from other recovering bpd's.welcome to PC.You are not alone anymore.I am glad you posted.I've been here for 2 years now.I love this site. I come on the bpd forum often.Billi

[nic25]

thanks, i feel stupid because i actually work in mental health but when it comes 2 myself and im goin thro a bad phase its like i just cant apply any of what i know 2 myself? i have times where im fine so then i wonder but its like at the moment im changing throughout the day and i just cant keep up. i cant even explain everything or whats happening coz it just confuses me. thanku for answering will be on again but at the moment just exhausted

[ChristySpirals]

I wish I could say some thoughtful words or give some advice but I just recently found out I had bpd. I have been reading online but I think talking to real people with it will be most helpful. Good luck.

[nic25]

do other people have times when theyre normal? i do but then at other times i dont even know what my normal is?

[la doctora]

I have times when I am perfectly normal, and even feel great about everything in life. I will wonder if there really is anything wrong with me, and then all of the sudden my world crashes down again. Then I am back in my hell and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am SO messed up.

Doc

Originally Posted by nic25

do other people have times when theyre normal? i do but then at other times i dont even know what my normal is?

Yes, most definitely. When I'm not being triggered and nothing is going down, I think I'm "better" and that I don't have anything to worry about anymore. But then I'm triggered, and I am forced to see and accept all over again how much of a mess I really am. Those "normal" times are very misleading. When you're "okay", it's like you can't feel or remember what you're like during those OTHER times when you're anything but normal.

[nic25]

"Those "normal" times are very misleading. When you're "okay", it's like you can't feel or remember what you're like during those OTHER times when you're anything but normal. "

Totallyget this and when i dont feel normal its hard 2 remember the times i am...dnt even know when im normal atm.

Earlier today and yesterday i felt a bit more normal and i think it was because i finally thought i do like a bloke i talk 2 online. Let myself think i can enjoy it then ive beeb paranoid all day that he isnt answering like he normally does, is more distant, doesnt wanna know me now etc etc...i messaged him earlier trying to be all cool but said if he doesnt want me to message him anymore its cool but just let me know...he was generally 'huh?'...then my next door neighbour asked who this (wont say name) is im talkin 2 and i got really paranoid and thought he had some way of seeing everything i was doin on computer (turns out the kids saw the name on my msn as i was chatting)...i will talk 2 pl for hrs online but cant be bothered with ppl i know in real life, have no patience or tolerance, i dont want to be like this. i dont know if this is just me? one little thing can have such a huge impact on my mood and the way i feel!! like im on a crazy seesaw! nice 2 hear off otha ppl who kinda get this thox

I consider "okay/normal" to be when I can remain in control enough to make other people think I'm just like them. When I can keep things from getting out of hand and remain under cover, basically. Any time I start to slip and lose that, I consider to be the other. Like lately, I've been really struggling and am anything but "okay/normal".

Yeah, relationships can be so nice and calming and stabilizing for about the first 5 minutes when you think everything might go well, LOL. But then the paranoia, insecurity, and anxiety start taking over your brain and making you frantic. Which the other person doesn't get, of course. Then the relationship/new person starts triggering you all over the place. I hope it goes well for you. T__T

I'd rather talk to people online, too. I can't deal with a lot of the people I meet in person. There's just absolutely no common ground, and I just have to pretend all the time with them. So I don't like them. They exhaust me. And you can't turn them off and make them go away when you feel like it, either.

Oh no, it's not just you. My moods are highly susceptible to sudden switches/swings. I can be fine one minute, and in a rage or a crushing depression the next just from one thing that I've perceived or interpreted in an unfavorable way. I give the people around me emotional whiplash sometimes with how quickly and forcefully my mood shifts. They're rarely on the same page and have to scramble to catch up or figure out what the heck I'm upset about and where it "came from".

[cboxpalace]

Agree with above. Sounds like bpd to me too.