[kxlaws]

Hi, I'm new here and I've been longing to get this out to someone who understands.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. And during the first 9 or 10 months, I was undiagnosed. Over the course of that time, I showed telltale signs of mental, emotional and psychological problems and I treated him absolutely unfairly.

The first month or so was good, we were inseparable, talked/texted constantly and we were infatuated but once we started getting closer (and I lost my virginity to him)... I started acting out and doing irrational things.

Both of us began using herbal incense blends because he was not allowed to smoke marijuana (he was drug tested randomly). While we were using I fell into a span of time that I honestly don't even remember much of but basically, I had fallen into an addiction and him and my bestfriend of the time sincerely thought I had a problem. I was so messed up that I would talk to my exboyfriend behind my boyfriends back, I would talk to men online, I had profiles on dating websites. All while this happened, I did not cheat on him with anyone physically but emotionally and mentally, that's clearly what I was doing. A law passed here that banned the incense and we both quit. I got incredibly sick and even my primary doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I went through horrible withdraws for about two months.

My boyfriend begged, pleaded, cried for me to stop and I just kept thinking that he was at fault. He did this or that and I tried justifying it to myself that he deserved it. I have no excuses for my actions. I told him I would stop though and that I would delete the profiles and cut all contact. I gave him my login information for FB and my email and he seemed relieved and he believed things could only get better.

Then I began school and during the first few months of school, I developed and hid an addiction to opiates from everyone around me. I used to go to school every single day and I would be so inebriated from the pills that I would nod out sometimes even. Once my tolerance built up, I started doing things to "make it safer" for me to ingest so many pain pills... but in all reality, I just didn't want to deal with the previous mistakes that I made. I realized at one point that I had a problem and I stopped myself cold turkey. I have never shared this addiction with anyone.

After those months, and I was sober is when it all came clear. I would email my ex, text him when my bf left my house, anything I could have done wrong to this man, I did. He did find out and he confronted me and he was so heartbroken that he felt as though he should leave me and I told him that I would never talk to my ex again. (I'm proud to say that I have been able to keep my word since this happened).

The thing is, I break him down mentally. When I get angry, I lose control. My fists clench and if there is someone around me you can see they get scared or intimidated. I have thrown and broken 3 cell phones over the last 6 months. I haven't thrown or broken anything since then. Every time my boyfriend would make me angry or upset I would blame him for not letting me see my friends or things similar. I would yell and sometimes scream at him and threaten to leave him. But he never once left me because of the love we had before I started doing these things. He had constant faith in me that I would come back. That I would be the vibrant and smart girl that he met 8 months previously. He tried so hard to keep his composure through the week where all I needed to survive was him to weeks where I was cold, distant, and hurtful to him.
I tried breaking it off many times but he insisted otherwise.

His mother and I are not close nor are we friendly with each other. But on his most recent birthday, I did not go to the families party for him and also tried to leave him. That day he turned his phone off and I was so scared and upset that by that night, I had paid someone to take me to his house. When I arrived, his mom came and said that I had hurt him so deeply that he told her that he needed to go to the hospital for mental help.

After that occurrence, him and I talked. I told him I came to see if he was ok and he told me that I hurt him.

His mom started recognizing the erratic mood changes I would have. I could be infatuated and with one little comment or action, I would blow up and yell and treat him horribly. She purchased the book "I hate you, don't leave me" and I read it over and over and finally came to the conclusion that I am in dire need of help.

I have since then not threatened to leave but I do have my mood changes so frequently that its becoming unbearable.

I have been seeing a doctor and have tried many medications and none work. I find myself wanting to self medicate myself when this happens.

We have been getting stronger but anytime that I do something wrong now, he threatens to leave and he tells me that he just cannot get over what I did to him. He has so much resentment that now, I am no longer the abuser in the relationship but he is. He has recently been so mean and hurtful on the phone. He tells me that if i am angry with him it is just the BPD talking. Lately, I've had so much emotional stress that I lay in bed and can't do anything. I haven't seen my boyfriend in days now and he keeps saying I'm selfish ***** or I'm senseless.

I also came out to my parents about the sexual abuse I was put through as a child and how horribly broken I was at their divorce. My dad offered me pizza after I told him, he showed no compassion. I have cried every night when I have to go to bed without someone next to me (my bf isn't allowed to stay over). I feel so alone and nothing can sum up the amount that I feel.

I get so upset at everything that anyone says all because I misunderstand and believed I was being attacked. Then someone has to calm me down and explain to me but usually the explanations make me more upset than the original actions.

Once I was diagnosed, I thought I would progress but I was still rude, hateful one moment and the next I wouldn't even know what I was mad. My boyfriend has also been so different since he found out. His mom told him to leave me because I'll never be ok, I'll never get better.

Everyday and night I torture myself and can't get the overwhelming guilt out of me. I have hurt many people around me but I feel worse about how I have been treating my bf. Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of love because I showed him so little for such a long time and all he did was put up with the BPD abuse. And I have no idea why I did that to him. I love him dearly. I think he is wonderful and he deserves so much better than me. I haven't self mutilated but I think about it often and I think about how badly I want my bf to leave me because I feel crazy. I feel guilty when I look at him because I know how rocky our past was and I don't know if or how I'll ever be able to get over what I did. But I know that if he left me, I would be so broken without him. He has always gone above and beyond for me but I can never see it clearly. I just brush it off.

I feel so scared because I love him so much but I push him away too. Sometimes I wonder if I actually can love or if I'm fooling myself. My hurtful and horrible actions have made me question my abilities to care and love and show compassion to people. I feel so lost, I am drowning in all these emotions.

Someone please help me, I'm in despair. I need to talk to someone. I am in mental and emotional anguish.

There is so much more I could say about all this and much more too....

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hello.

I relate to thinking that I am incapable of love.

I relate to dealing with loved ones, and dealing with how I am so emotional and rageful and "paranoid" (for lack of a better word; just feeling attacked or violated or scrutinized or just plain defensive) and how they, my loved ones, react, how scared and freaked out and disgusted they are when I am like this.

It hurts so much.

I lose their trust in me. Right now I am so afraid to even get close to someone because I am scared I will hurt them or disappoint them.

When their trust in me is gone, they get abusive to me. And lately I have been reading about BPD and people's reactions to BPD and to pwbpd's.

It hurts so much.

G*d it hurts.

G*d I hate it.

I hate what bpd does to me and what it does to people I care about and people in general.

I feel so irredeemable guilty, too.

"incapable of love" G*d. Me too. Just last year, my mentor had to teach me the everyone has the potential to love. I am capable of it. I just need to walk thru a lot of fear, give myself and others a chance to love.

It's hard.

It is.

I am so sorry you went thru this.

In 1999, I went thru a relationship where my bf's mother, too, knew how her son was treated by me. She used to talk to me and say things like, "Billi, you hurt him."

I lost him. To his mental illness and my own.

Welcome to PC and this forum.

You are not alone.

Billi

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by kxlaws

Hi, I'm new here and I've been longing to get this out to someone who understands.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. And during the first 9 or 10 months, I was undiagnosed. Over the course of that time, I showed telltale signs of mental, emotional and psychological problems and I treated him absolutely unfairly.

The first month or so was good, we were inseparable, talked/texted constantly and we were infatuated but once we started getting closer (and I lost my virginity to him)... I started acting out and doing irrational things.

Both of us began using herbal incense blends because he was not allowed to smoke marijuana (he was drug tested randomly). While we were using I fell into a span of time that I honestly don't even remember much of but basically, I had fallen into an addiction and him and my bestfriend of the time sincerely thought I had a problem. I was so messed up that I would talk to my exboyfriend behind my boyfriends back, I would talk to men online, I had profiles on dating websites. All while this happened, I did not cheat on him with anyone physically but emotionally and mentally, that's clearly what I was doing. A law passed here that banned the incense and we both quit. I got incredibly sick and even my primary doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I went through horrible withdraws for about two months.

My boyfriend begged, pleaded, cried for me to stop and I just kept thinking that he was at fault. He did this or that and I tried justifying it to myself that he deserved it. I have no excuses for my actions. I told him I would stop though and that I would delete the profiles and cut all contact. I gave him my login information for FB and my email and he seemed relieved and he believed things could only get better.

Then I began school and during the first few months of school, I developed and hid an addiction to opiates from everyone around me. I used to go to school every single day and I would be so inebriated from the pills that I would nod out sometimes even. Once my tolerance built up, I started doing things to "make it safer" for me to ingest so many pain pills... but in all reality, I just didn't want to deal with the previous mistakes that I made. I realized at one point that I had a problem and I stopped myself cold turkey. I have never shared this addiction with anyone.

After those months, and I was sober is when it all came clear. I would email my ex, text him when my bf left my house, anything I could have done wrong to this man, I did. He did find out and he confronted me and he was so heartbroken that he felt as though he should leave me and I told him that I would never talk to my ex again. (I'm proud to say that I have been able to keep my word since this happened).

The thing is, I break him down mentally. When I get angry, I lose control. My fists clench and if there is someone around me you can see they get scared or intimidated. I have thrown and broken 3 cell phones over the last 6 months. I haven't thrown or broken anything since then. Every time my boyfriend would make me angry or upset I would blame him for not letting me see my friends or things similar. I would yell and sometimes scream at him and threaten to leave him. But he never once left me because of the love we had before I started doing these things. He had constant faith in me that I would come back. That I would be the vibrant and smart girl that he met 8 months previously. He tried so hard to keep his composure through the week where all I needed to survive was him to weeks where I was cold, distant, and hurtful to him.
I tried breaking it off many times but he insisted otherwise.

His mother and I are not close nor are we friendly with each other. But on his most recent birthday, I did not go to the families party for him and also tried to leave him. That day he turned his phone off and I was so scared and upset that by that night, I had paid someone to take me to his house. When I arrived, his mom came and said that I had hurt him so deeply that he told her that he needed to go to the hospital for mental help.

After that occurrence, him and I talked. I told him I came to see if he was ok and he told me that I hurt him.

His mom started recognizing the erratic mood changes I would have. I could be infatuated and with one little comment or action, I would blow up and yell and treat him horribly. She purchased the book "I hate you, don't leave me" and I read it over and over and finally came to the conclusion that I am in dire need of help.

I have since then not threatened to leave but I do have my mood changes so frequently that its becoming unbearable.

I have been seeing a doctor and have tried many medications and none work. I find myself wanting to self medicate myself when this happens.

We have been getting stronger but anytime that I do something wrong now, he threatens to leave and he tells me that he just cannot get over what I did to him. He has so much resentment that now, I am no longer the abuser in the relationship but he is. He has recently been so mean and hurtful on the phone. He tells me that if i am angry with him it is just the BPD talking. Lately, I've had so much emotional stress that I lay in bed and can't do anything. I haven't seen my boyfriend in days now and he keeps saying I'm selfish ***** or I'm senseless.

I also came out to my parents about the sexual abuse I was put through as a child and how horribly broken I was at their divorce. My dad offered me pizza after I told him, he showed no compassion. I have cried every night when I have to go to bed without someone next to me (my bf isn't allowed to stay over). I feel so alone and nothing can sum up the amount that I feel.

I get so upset at everything that anyone says all because I misunderstand and believed I was being attacked. Then someone has to calm me down and explain to me but usually the explanations make me more upset than the original actions.

Once I was diagnosed, I thought I would progress but I was still rude, hateful one moment and the next I wouldn't even know what I was mad. My boyfriend has also been so different since he found out. His mom told him to leave me because I'll never be ok, I'll never get better.

Everyday and night I torture myself and can't get the overwhelming guilt out of me. I have hurt many people around me but I feel worse about how I have been treating my bf. Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of love because I showed him so little for such a long time and all he did was put up with the BPD abuse. And I have no idea why I did that to him. I love him dearly. I think he is wonderful and he deserves so much better than me. I haven't self mutilated but I think about it often and I think about how badly I want my bf to leave me because I feel crazy. I feel guilty when I look at him because I know how rocky our past was and I don't know if or how I'll ever be able to get over what I did. But I know that if he left me, I would be so broken without him. He has always gone above and beyond for me but I can never see it clearly. I just brush it off.

I feel so scared because I love him so much but I push him away too. Sometimes I wonder if I actually can love or if I'm fooling myself. My hurtful and horrible actions have made me question my abilities to care and love and show compassion to people. I feel so lost, I am drowning in all these emotions.

Someone please help me, I'm in despair. I need to talk to someone. I am in mental and emotional anguish.

There is so much more I could say about all this and much more too....

Hi, Welcome.
Calm down!! BPD is not a death sentence. You have been through an awful time and the people around you are judging youto death. WTF? PLease check out a website called TARA. They are advocates for BPD and show compassion for us. I feel so sad for you like when you told your Dad and he offered youpizza, my Dad is the same way, how hurtful!!! You need a lot of hugs!! You will find them here. I am sorry you are going through such a rough spot. Tell me what is your next step? Do you have a therapist? Where do youlive? Do you live in a place that offers therapy for BPD? Techniques for BPD could help you the best. It is too bad that your boyfriends mother is "armed" with that book. She is sitting in judgement with a skewed perspective, very unfair and biased. Please check out TARA. You need to see that there are people outside of us that are advocating for respect for BPD, even changing our name to a more gentle and respectable name....that is gettng a little off track, but you seem quite intelligent and I think one of your strengths in helping to cope with handling your bpd is for you to learn about bpd and not the negatives but also the strengths of bpds and step away from some of the toxic people in your life...not separate, just give yourself some time during the day where you detach....gently separate and have some time where you let go of them for a little while and focus on yourself...you can come back...there is so much to say to you....I know you are in tremendous pain....I have had this disease for so long and I have found that dbt, a treatment for bpds has been the best thing for me, Yahoo has a dbt group for free that is very very good. if you have no experience with dbt it is very confusing, but if you have no dbt group available to you or have no insurance it is a very good resource, like I said though you sound bright and i think you could follow along. well, that is enough info, keep coming back here. you can contact me as a private message "pm", I'll friend you if you want. take care and take one day at a time. FacingChains

[OctobersBlackRose]

Hi, and welcome Even though I don't have a bpd dx, I can relate to you and understand what you're going through when it does come to your dx. you have our support on this forum thread so don't worry you aren't alone.

[Li_FB]

Hi kxlaws unfortunately I can't help that much, in terms of practical advice cause I only been (officially) diagnosed for 3 years and I haven't started psychology appointments yet - yes it takes a long time in England. But check out a book by Eckhart Tolle called The Power Of Now, it really helped me a *lot* and i think it would help you and your boyfriend. I got it on e-book but idk if I allowed to share on this forum ?