....is my heart in my skull?...my brain kills me with bad thoughts all day and all the un-day.

getting a break from the blitz of self annihilation is like winning some emotional lottery and there just aint enough tickets in my damn pocket!

...and so what?

...I am so afraid these days....more than I have ever been.

I have lost my spirit somewhere....this borderline atrocity has infected me it seems so comprehensively so bitterly no I am wrong it's taken me to that place beyond feeling and it's emptiness like floating in an empty pool....there is nothing around me I am so lonely it's eating my insides with teeth of death chewing and gnawing away whatever I thought could make me real cos it's me who decided at some point that I could not handle feeling anything GOOD anymore cos everytime I did feel something GOOD I completely ****ed it right completely up! totally to the extent where my opinion of me breaks through at this age and tells me the worst crap!

why write depressed?....I walk it!....I think it!...I breath it!...

I HATE it!

I wish for death at the most peculiar moments but enlist in the deceased I cannot endorse.

...it's endless the concerns and turmoil I encounter in my head and skull heart...srcewed up comprehension of reality and unknown other crap that I seem to mis-understand with such familiarity like I ****ing know it all and I probably do and MAYBE I just don't!

so I ....me..me...me...me!, all borderline seems to be about is me and I know this is the core of the problem and it's why I destroy myself cos the absurdly justified selfishness rots my idea of being a good person!

....so enough of the crap....is there a way out?...is there a way out of this madness and I've spared readers 99% of it....

just go to sleep and hope for something better...hope to outgrow the fear to live to trust that our pain has a reason and probably many reasons and it's not our task to decode the ******** that made it all happen cos this crap will haunt and panic the soul forever given a chance and kill me for sure way before I'm ready...

maybe I am crawling my way back a little but I am scared shitless cos I have done it so often and the thing I find with borderline.....

check out the other thread

monkey

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

....is my heart in my skull?...my brain kills me with bad thoughts all day and all the un-day.

getting a break from the blitz of self annihilation is like winning some emotional lottery and there just aint enough tickets in my damn pocket!

...and so what?

...I am so afraid these days....more than I have ever been.

I have lost my spirit somewhere....this borderline atrocity has infected me it seems so comprehensively so bitterly no I am wrong it's taken me to that place beyond feeling and it's emptiness like floating in an empty pool....there is nothing around me I am so lonely it's eating my insides with teeth of death chewing and gnawing away whatever I thought could make me real cos it's me who decided at some point that I could not handle feeling anything GOOD anymore cos everytime I did feel something GOOD I completely ****ed it right completely up! totally to the extent where my opinion of me breaks through at this age and tells me the worst crap!

why write depressed?....I walk it!....I think it!...I breath it!...

I HATE it!

I wish for death at the most peculiar moments but enlist in the deceased I cannot endorse.

...it's endless the concerns and turmoil I encounter in my head and skull heart...srcewed up comprehension of reality and unknown other crap that I seem to mis-understand with such familiarity like I ****ing know it all and I probably do and MAYBE I just don't!

so I ....me..me...me...me!, all borderline seems to be about is me and I know this is the core of the problem and it's why I destroy myself cos the absurdly justified selfishness rots my idea of being a good person!

....so enough of the crap....is there a way out?...is there a way out of this madness and I've spared readers 99% of it....

just go to sleep and hope for something better...hope to outgrow the fear to live to trust that our pain has a reason and probably many reasons and it's not our task to decode the ******** that made it all happen cos this crap will haunt and panic the soul forever given a chance and kill me for sure way before I'm ready...

maybe I am crawling my way back a little but I am scared shitless cos I have done it so often and the thing I find with borderline.....

check out the other thread

monkey

takes fool to respond

and I will keep doin it...I don't care what no-one thinks....this is my experience and cross me and we might get a laugh or angry,,,,,suits me