[.::nightowl::.]

I've always felt like everyone was out to hurt me. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm the one hurting myself?

I tend to push people away because I have such intense emotions and reactions when I'm upset. They're so intense and overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I lose control. Almost like the emotion completely takes control of me. I cry, scream, say whatever to let it out but I just feel worse. I want this to stop. I've been on just about every Bipolar med there is along with anti depressants and anxiety meds. All of them made me much much worse. The only one's I can take are Abilify Lithium and Vyvanse for my ADD. The Lithium makes me slow and I don't feel like myself, also my skins breaking out and hairs falling out.

I don't know what to do. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Anxiety and ADD around the age of 15. I have tried everything...therapy lights, group therapy(helped when i did it) over 50 different medications. I'm starting to wonder if this is just me..and no medication can help me. I've suffered with so much emotional pain the past ten years. I just don't know what to do. I can't handle the feelings of emptiness and helplessness anymore. It's to the point where I don't want to meet new people or get close to anyone at all because I know they will end up not wanting me around, or worse case hating me. Especially new people. I never know when I will lose control. I don't feel worthy of being in most people's lives.

I'm not always upset but when I am it's extreme. My reactions are usually far too dramatic towards situations. Something that is somewhat disapointing to someone would be absolutely devastating to me..This happens alot more with my family and boyfriends, people I'm really close to..I've wondered if BPD could be the cause. I've read a little about it..I really could use some advice or input on this. I'm starting to question if I'm even a good person

[miss_havoc]

Hi nightowl i hope you are doing ok!
I just want you to know, you are not alone, I am going through something similar and you have my complete sympathy.
I don't have bi polar but I have BPD and to me it sounds like you are leaning towards borderline... but you should get a actual diagnosis...
The low self esteem, highly strung emotions and not believe you deserve to be in people life are all BPD traits, so please stay strong and know there is help.
I'm here to talk if you need x

[Forgive77]

They thought I was ADD for a while....then they figured out it made my Bipolar and BPD worse....you couldn't get me to touch a stimulant again. I hated Lithum too, and have been through the gamit of meds myself. What I'm on now seems to work, however, if I drink...nothing does. Hope you feel better...I know how it feels.