[cboxpalace]

After a lot of obsessing and sleepless nights I'm manifesting a civil war general dressed in drag, drinking lots of booze, and playing hopscotch with ladies of the night. I've searched for years of my life trying to find external tangible objects or concepts to fill a missing void and to make me complete and whole and like who I am as a person. I relish in the momentary happiness, and I'm left empty with its all too soon dissipation. The process repeats itself over and over. It doesn't seem to work... at least for me. It's only after recent weeks that I've begun to realize the external world can't complete the internal missing self. It makes me wonder, how does a fully grown adult develop a true sense of self, filling an empty void, which would bring about true happiness? This is where stupidity comes into play with people saying volunteer, find a hobby, take a college class. They don't get it! The external can't fill an internal void. It has to be found within the self.... I'm not sure how to find something that is naturally developed over the course of years, during adolescence in a family unit. Whatever that internal piece is that a "normal" person has and/or experiences, I don't relate to it nor do I have a concept of what that feeling is. Without it, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to experience the feeling of being complete, whole, and like the person I am. I hate me.. that will make many want to fill me with compliments, because the thought of me hating myself makes them uncomfortable. They miss the point, but I'll still take the compliments, and I'll still hate me. I'm content telling myself I don't know the answer, and I don't know if I ever will. There is nothing wrong with admitting to not knowing.

Now you may be wondering, what about the civil war general dressed in drag? Well that crazy son of ***** kept drinking, tripped on his dress, hit his head and died 2 days. It doesn't really ****in' matter though because his search for happiness was all in vain.

You make some wonderful points here cbox. Believe it or not I understand completely what you're saying.
Especially this:
'the external world can't complete the internal missing self.'

Like you, I have sought to fill my inner void with fleeting happiness and external distraction. Using any attempt desperately to fill the lonliness and reach a point of self-acceptance and self-assurance. I am not simply elusive to myself, I am non-existent!
'Whatever that internal piece is that a "normal" person has and/or experiences, I don't relate to it nor do I have a concept of what that feeling is.'

I also relate to this...
We have no way to grasp at a complete self, because we have no idea what a 'complete self' looks and feels like. Thus we are left in desparation, grabbing at anything that could potentially 'fill' us, or rather create us.

'I'm not sure how to find something that is naturally developed over the course of years, during adolescence in a family unit.'

I am not sure either, we are left as incomplete beings...with those who have had 'full circles' developmentally as mere ideals. So how then, yes, are we to create ourselves when we don't even have the blueprint built into us? I believe this is what therapists ,psychologists and neurologists find so baffling about us. We baffle ourselves...which heightens the momentum of our cyclical grief.

I have also had 'whole' people suggest to fill this emptiness via superficial means. "get a hobby." "adopt a religion." "do something nice for someone else to build your 'self-esteem.'" This doesn't work, there is nothing there to begin with!

It is as if they expect us to cover our front yards with astro-turf when our house is void of substance and foundation!

You are right c, there is nothing wrong with admitting to not knowing. I do not know...I can't pretend I do...

I only know that we can't place essential building blocks in adulthood that should have been placed long ago, our feeble and flimsy attempts only result in more frustration and collapse. How to then, build a solid foundation beneath an already-built house? How then, to make it a home we are comfortable living in?

All of my affirmations end in question marks...

I have no answers either. I get involved in something that seems to fill the void to a degree, but it's usually superficial and my heart is not in to it so I can't stick with it. With the exception of work (and there because I didn't have a choice. I was not going to be dependant on other people), I can't stick with anything, can't find my place, can't find where my heart belongs. I have 6 writing projects that are incomplete just waiting for me to finish.....among other things. And it IS impossible to fill a void when we have no idea what fullfillment feels like. I am working on one of my writing projects again hoping for success, and I'm reading more. That helps. But it's not the answer I'm, or you're, searching for.....

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

You make some wonderful points here cbox. Believe it or not I understand completely what you're saying.
Especially this:
'the external world can't complete the internal missing self.'

Like you, I have sought to fill my inner void with fleeting happiness and external distraction. Using any attempt desperately to fill the lonliness and reach a point of self-acceptance and self-assurance. I am not simply elusive to myself, I am non-existent!
'Whatever that internal piece is that a "normal" person has and/or experiences, I don't relate to it nor do I have a concept of what that feeling is.'

I also relate to this...
We have no way to grasp at a complete self, because we have no idea what a 'complete self' looks and feels like. Thus we are left in desparation, grabbing at anything that could potentially 'fill' us, or rather create us.

'I'm not sure how to find something that is naturally developed over the course of years, during adolescence in a family unit.'

I am not sure either, we are left as incomplete beings...with those who have had 'full circles' developmentally as mere ideals. So how then, yes, are we to create ourselves when we don't even have the blueprint built into us? I believe this is what therapists ,psychologists and neurologists find so baffling about us. We baffle ourselves...which heightens the momentum of our cyclical grief.

I have also had 'whole' people suggest to fill this emptiness via superficial means. "get a hobby." "adopt a religion." "do something nice for someone else to build your 'self-esteem.'" This doesn't work, there is nothing there to begin with!

It is as if they expect us to cover our front yards with astro-turf when our house is void of substance and foundation!

You are right c, there is nothing wrong with admitting to not knowing. I do not know...I can't pretend I do...

I only know that we can't place essential building blocks in adulthood that should have been placed long ago, our feeble and flimsy attempts only result in more frustration and collapse. How to then, build a solid foundation beneath an already-built house? How then, to make it a home we are comfortable living in?

All of my affirmations end in question marks...

You completely get what my entire post is all about. I like your points, and how they relate to you...

I love this....

I only know that we can't place essential building blocks in adulthood that should have been placed long ago, our feeble and flimsy attempts only result in more frustration and collapse. How to then, build a solid foundation beneath an already-built house? How then, to make it a home we are comfortable living in?

This is it in a nutshell!!!!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

I've searched for years of my life trying to find external tangible objects or concepts to fill a missing void and to make me complete and whole and like who I am as a person. I relish in the momentary happiness, and I'm left empty with its all too soon dissipation. The process repeats itself over and over.
{It's only after recent weeks that} I've begun to realize the external world can't complete the internal missing self. It makes me wonder, how does a fully grown adult develop a true sense of self, filling an empty void, which would bring about true happiness? This is where stupidity comes into play with people saying volunteer, find a hobby, take a college class. They don't get it! The external can't fill an internal void. It has to be found within the self.... I'm not sure how to find something that is naturally developed over the course of years, during adolescence in a family unit. Whatever that internal piece is that a "normal" person has and/or experiences, I don't relate to it nor do I have a concept of what that feeling is. Without it, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to experience the feeling of being complete, whole, and like the person I am. I hate me..

I completely understand what you're saying, cboxpalace. I wholeheartedly agree! Especially with the words written in italics. Beats the bejeezers out of me on how we CAN figure these things out, especially when a lot of the decisions have already been made for us.

According to doctors, we can now accept the reality of our crappy past memories and be stronger now. We're no longer in danger. We are merely prolonging our suffering by standing by our old necessary coping techniques. I don't worry about how I'll make it through some stress. Instead, I worry about how I'll simply make it through daily life. Because that's what gets me all riled up inside!

I read in some journal or something that BPD's have a higher than average intelligence and that is WHY we develop all these problems with filling voids, thinking too much, and flashbacks/memories. Isn't that just GREAT to know!! That if we lacked some our intelligence, we might be NORMAL? Doesn't that thought in inself help fill up that void and make you feel warm all over?? (I AM being extremely sarcastic here.)

bhahaha! Yes, this makes me feel just wonderful and so blessed...-deep sarcasm-

I worked with a girl once at a job when I was working my way through university, she wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box by conventional standards...but she was always smiling. Ah, that would be bliss. I was quite jealous of her joy. I wish my brain would stop overanalyzing for one moment...

Maybe if we all watch Fox News regularly we'd be 'normal'?