[hippyman]

I had posted in the bipolar forum, as my girlfriend has both bipolar, and bpd, and they suggested I visit here. Anyway, we have been dating for about a year now, long distance, I live in Texas, she lives in Alabama, and I think that only makes the mood swings worse. I have had several people tell me that I dont need to take this kind of abuse from her, but I'm in this thing for the long haul, I love her. My main concern right now is, one day, she will say we're together, the next, she'll say we're not. She cant be doing this all the time, if we're going to start a family, and I am going to have to learn how to handle her better. Any advice, please?

[Pink River]

It's very common for anyone with BPD to be very indicisive. I do this to my husband, I love you, but hate you, but don't leave me, I need you, I don't need you. Unfortuanlly it happens with people with BPD. The only thing that can be done is she needs the right therapy to help her better manage her emotions. I'm hoping she is already in therapy but it can take a long time. It just depends on the trauma, hurt, pain she is in and therapy, and work, it's a lot I know. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to maybe get counseling so you can dertermine how you can deal or not deal with this and make a decision with a clear mind.

[hippyman]

She is in therapy, just had a group session yesterday, and I have a therapist on reserve, so to speak. She also just started a new job, so I dont know how that will affect things, hopefully better than her last job attempt

There is a forum for people who's partners have personality disorders:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=132
(sorry if you keep getting redirected).

Unfortunately I can't offer any advice on how to be with a partner with this disorder. I can only speak from the perspective of HAVING it. I think the best thing you can do is be supportive (she can always come and talk and hang out with us here), if she knows you support her and her recovery that is a great start.

I would browse online (as well as talking with other people who's partners have BPD) and read more about the disorder. Education and knowledge is SO helpful.

[SwayintheBreeze]

When I first started learning about BPD I came across a couple of websites dedicated to partners/family members of people with BPD. Alot of great information and help for those people.

http://www.bpdfamily.com/index.html

BDP Family also has a forum of other family members to share issues/strategies/successes etc much like we have here. It also has alot of resource material to help you understand what's going on with her and how you can best help/learn about what it is that she's going thru.

Other resources:
http://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/BPD.html
http://www.bpdrecovery.com/

Hope that helps.

[hippyman]

I've already discovered bpdfamily, but thanks for trying I think more than anything, that website gives me hope. I just wish I knew how to react, whenever she wakes up one day, and theres no us anymore

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by hippyman

I've already discovered bpdfamily, but thanks for trying I think more than anything, that website gives me hope. I just wish I knew how to react, whenever she wakes up one day, and theres no us anymore

I have a very dear friend who is similar.. he doesn't know from day to day if we are "friends on" or "friends off". He has been my BFF for 6 years. He has learned only in the last year or so that when I do "friends off" and push him as far from me as possible, that I will eventually come back around and he needs to be patient. He reassures me at the onset that he will be always be there for me, and then he quietly lets me "be". Throughout those days when I am at my worst, he doesn't hound or pester me, he lets me know he is there and cares about me and most importantly, will never leave. (I have a couple of issues And then when I am ready, I contact him and we are good. He doesn't take it personally anymore, and he used to. He knows it's not about him, its sadly about me and the thoughts swirling through my head. I will eventually be back.

I'm not sure if she is like that at all, but I thought I would share my own experiences. It really isn't uncommon and the best thing you can do is learn and understand. Alot of great books out there on coping strategies (I just got 4 of them).

Hippy,
Hey, being with someone like us is probably extremely frustrating. Like Sway mentioned with her friend, a way I've found that relationships 'stick' together is when the other person is unconditionally supportive. "I support you, I got your back."

I think, if you feel in yourself that that is something you can do (even if it's just a plutonic relationship), it is a great way to show support. That said, you also have to keep yourself healthy and safe (not be codependent).

Honestly, I can't imagine what it is like to be with someone with BPD, although since I've accepted my diagnosis and I'm getting help and support (being proactive) my partner has been way more receptive. She is constantly supportive, I am so grateful for that. But our relationship is not void of struggle or frustration, it's not always easy. Just know that. Find support from other people whose partners have the disorder. You've already done the first thing, you're asking for help!

Yay Sway for books!

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I think, if you feel in yourself that that is something you can do (even if it's just a plutonic relationship), it is a great way to show support. That said, you also have to keep yourself healthy and safe (not be codependent).

Such an important part!! Thanks for saying that SC!! so very true about keeping yourself healthy and safe.

[hippyman]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

Hippy,
Hey, being with someone like us is probably extremely frustrating. Like Sway mentioned with her friend, a way I've found that relationships 'stick' together is when the other person is unconditionally supportive. "I support you, I got your back."

I think, if you feel in yourself that that is something you can do (even if it's just a plutonic relationship), it is a great way to show support. That said, you also have to keep yourself healthy and safe (not be codependent).

Honestly, I can't imagine what it is like to be with someone with BPD, although since I've accepted my diagnosis and I'm getting help and support (being proactive) my partner has been way more receptive. She is constantly supportive, I am so grateful for that. But our relationship is not void of struggle or frustration, it's not always easy. Just know that. Find support from other people whose partners have the disorder. You've already done the first thing, you're asking for help!

Yay Sway for books!

I am starting to feel the frustration, half the time it feels like she really doesnt care about me I just have to keep reminding myself that she has this condition. If she hadnt discussed having kids with me so much, and proposed so often, I really would be in bad shape right now. How do people like me, on the other end of bpd, usually get through it all?

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by hippyman

I am starting to feel the frustration, half the time it feels like she really doesnt care about me I just have to keep reminding myself that she has this condition. If she hadnt discussed having kids with me so much, and proposed so often, I really would be in bad shape right now. How do people like me, on the other end of bpd, usually get through it all?

By doing what you're doing Hippy.. and seeking to understand. I get the being frustrated part.. but realize it is equally frustrating for her.

[hippyman]

Somehow, I have a hard time believing that, when she keeps telling me that she cant promise something wont happen, between her and her ex/best friend. That makes things even more frustrating, and even harder to trust her

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by hippyman

Somehow, I have a hard time believing that, when she keeps telling me that she cant promise something wont happen, between her and her ex/best friend. That makes things even more frustrating, and even harder to trust her

The trust issue you have with her is different and you will have to deal with that separately. You need to contact some BPD partners and find out how they deal with it, perhaps even talk to a counsellor yourself to help you figure things out. I can only see things through my BPD goggles and can't put myself in your shoes

I have to agree with Sway there Hippy,
we can't do much here to help you.

again this the section of these forums where partners with personality disorders can support eachother:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=132

unfortunately BPD traits really come up in interpersonal relationships. Support is available for you, and what Sway said about getting yourself into counselling is a great idea too!