[xxxispillcoffeexxx]

“Something filled up, my heart is nothing, someone told me not to cry. Now that I’m older my hearts colder and I can’t see that it’s alive..."

In between my last manic episode and severe depression bred from the lack of control of uncontrollable people and situations. Craving stability and honesty from myself. Don't know how I'm supposed to feel on my Lamictal and Sapphris. They only knock me out at night, so I'm not up all night thinking. Lack of expression and words in which to fill myself with. Positive thoughts are fleeting and curling up with my depression is what I've always done. It hurts to smile and to fake it at work. I guess I'll have to adjust. I can't see where I am going. My only friends are my records. I channel every emotion into the lyrics and I drink tea and smoke cigarettes and think about how torn up my heart feels.

I want to show my heart to the world but it pumps poison and would scare people. The good feels cheap and the bad days outweigh the good.

isp,

Perhaps it may seem overwhelming now, but the good news is, is that there is hope. There is hope manifest in these threads via people writing about their long road to recovery. Some of us exemplify the strength of the human heart to walk into very dark dark places and come out on the otherside, exhausted yet with new perspective and insight into ourselves (even if this is done retrospectively). This is so cliche it's sickening, however it's not simply a perception, it's fact.

I understand your feelings, they are reality for some of us as well. Perhaps you may find a glimpse of hope and relief that you are not on this path alone. Like you, I allow my depression to take me.

I can not 'integrate'. My present mindset and 'mood' is as malleable and fluid as if it were water, depending on circumstance. Put it under freezing temperatures, it will turn to ice, under heat, it will boil. I feel like a current...part of the whole, yet destined to my own 'flow', temperatures and direction.

Often when I feel this despair, my skepticism of recovery causes only anxiety...Coming here helps to loosen the constricting burden, helps to ease my mind that it is possible. I see this in hope, an abstraction that is near impossible to see, but trust me, it is there and it is as tangible as are your very own hands...Perhaps you will be able to see it soon, too.