I hate you for hating me

ugh i hate this stupid bpd! it sucks so bad!

i have been having serious issues with family the past few months and its really messing with me.

My aware self knows everyone doesn't hate me. but my bpd self thinks that everyone does.

there is so much going on lately that everything that happens feels 10x's worse than usual.

friend: 'i cant go out today because im working can we do it tomorrow?'
bpd self: oh my gosh she hates me! she doesn't want to even see me!
aware self: she has to work today she doesn't hate me we are just postponing the date.

every little thing now makes me fee so bad. Im so tired of it. I really am. I dont even want to go on anymore. I dont know what to do.

Oh man I hate that too!

I understand Stacy. This is why I really am convinced that this is a disorder of perception. We are certainly aware that our thoughts aren't accurate and parallel to reality, but....we can't help but have them. They control us.

I think a great start is to distinguish the perception vs. the reality. (as you did with bpd self vs. aware self). I try to write it down (to make it concrete) every time I have feelings that I'm hated or unwanted. I also learned in some cognitive therapy readings to avoid using extreme words like 'always' and 'never'.

ie. "She never calls me back!" vs. "She didn't call me back today!"
"He always makes me feel bad when he does that." vs. "He made me feel bad when he did that."

For me, when I remember to do it, it sure makes statements and thoughts (even in my head) feel more finite.

That's all I can really offer Stacy, just remember we're here for you if you need a place to talk and vent. I think you just drew a good line there between reality and perception, though. Keep it up!
Best wishes.

that is sooo completely true.. I do that all the time too.. use extreme words to describe situations.. and even as I say it I think "it's not always" but I do it anyways.. so frustrating..

Good reminder though to pay attention to the words we choose to communicate with..

"Choose your thoughts (and words) like you choose your clothes" Elizabeth Gilbert

thankyou. i will definitely try doing that. i use the words always and never a lot

One thing that DBT suggests is when you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, to take a big breath and state in words exactly how you feel, without adding emotions or trying to rationalize it. "I am now feeling very angry." A lot of borderlines allow the emotion to take them away without really even knowing exactly what emotion they feel. I have tried it and it can help. If you haven't tried DBT, it's worth a try. Yahoo offers a free class in it: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/
I don't think it's a complete answer in itself, but it may help.

thankyou i will try that