Missed PsychCentral

Hello Everyone,

It's been a few days since I've been able to sit down and write my thoughts. Since finding psychcentral and finding great support from a wide range of people, I'm understanding my though process much easier, which in turn is helping me cope with things I typically would just avoid dealing with.

I have a question again...love questions

Is it a typical BPD trait to love someone and still care immensely about them even though they've hurt you? For instance, I describe my love as very hard and deep. Once I've let myself get to that point of love with someone, if they hurt me by betrayal, abandonment, cheating, whatever....I get angry and hurt go through all those emotions. But, when it's time to heal, my mind goes to sympathy for them. Like, I just want them to be happy and if I can't do it, I need to accept that I can't make them happy and they needed to leave. Also, I want to call and check on them to make sure they're doing alright.

I wonder if subconsciously this would be my reason for making contact again or if I genuinely care.

I can only tell you my perspective...don't know if it would be across the board. When I care about someone that much, I've allowed them in, which in itself it very, very hard to do, I NEVER let them go. I think about them, care for them, hope they're okay, and worry about the for pretty much forever. My best friend from high school abandoned me over 15 years ago. I still think of her regularly and attempt to contact her on occasion. And don't even talk to me about the most recent one. I think I've written enough on here to attest to that.....three months and counting. That's why, for me, getting that close just isn't worth it. I don't think I heal...the pain never goes away.

I have a few people in my life that have torn my heart out. An ex girlfriend who destroyed me. She broke me down over 9 months. She turned me into what she wanted. No other person has ever been able to change me like she did. I dispise her now. However, I still love her and would take a bullet for her. Why? I have no idea. Maybe not exactly what you're asking but along the same lines right? Sorry if I;m not on topic.

You are right on target! I didn't know if this is part of BPD or if it's just you and I love with an intesity that is real and greater than most. Even though people hurt us, we still love them and care for them when they clearly don't deserve that kind of love from us.

I'm not really sure it's a bad thing we love people to this extent though. I could be wrong though since I haven't started therapy. The world would be such a better place if every one cared the way we do for people in opinion. I too don't let people get too close to me and when I do, and they hurt me it does take it's toll and makes me want to put up higher borders around my heart, but honestly, I like loving people the way I do. I do expect the same in return and that's probably where BPD plays a part (from what I've read about it anyway) To still care though, shows that we're genuine in our love and affection.

I think it just means we don't learn. other people do, if they get burned; but we keep saying, oh, THAT? THAT didn't hurt, that tickled! try again! we think we can't get anyone better. sorry to be the skunk at your garden party. I can't go thru this again, i'm too old.

I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling love for someone, whether they hurt us or not.

However, I am working on no longer internalizing the hurt they have given me. My goal is to remember only the love.

Carol