[MDDBPDPTSD]

OK. I do this all the time. The reason I am so reactive to some people's anger is because I am not well grounded in my own identity. I feel horrible.

I am wavering back and forth right now. I hate feeling like this. I am writing this here in hope that seeing it in black and white will help me see that reacting this way does not make any sense.

If I cannot see that, then maybe some comments from those who have been there will help. Or maybe, my comments will help someone else who does the same thing to themselves. Anyway, I am trying to share. Funny how I always want to share my pain, huh? (Feeling like a bottomless pit of need right now.)

I am the same person, good or bad or both, that I was before this person that I love got angry at me. Their anger at me is NOT a reflection of my worth. Their anger at me does determine my OKness, but that is only because I allow it to, right? I am OK (enough anyway) before they get angry and nothing changes about me as a person just because they got angry.

My safety is not threatened. I am who I am and I will continue to be me when they are angry and when they are not angry. I do not cease to be a good or bad or whatever person just because someone is angry at me.

I do not have to feel wobbly as an individual just because of someone else's feelings towards or about me.

I can learn to feel OK about me regardless of how others feel about me.

I can also learn that just because someone is angry at me, that does not mean that I am not safe. It used to be that way. My life used to have people in it that would take away my safety when they were angry. But those people are gone now. Someone being mad at me does not mean that I am unsafe. I can withstand their anger and be OK.

I do not have to fear. I do not have to do a deep self-inventory to figure out what is wrong with me. Their feelings are their feelings. I am not responsible for them. I did not cause someone else to be angry.

I did what I thought was right. I was true to me and that is the right thing to do.

Maybe the other persons anger is what is right for them.

As long as they do not threaten my safety, or vice versa, all is well.

Right?

I am going to choose to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I choose not to think about things that are accusations, lies, or less than good.

I am doing what I know to do.

I am getting better.

I am able to stand in the face of others anger.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

[dgirl]

I don't know if I am replying correctly - Anyway sounds like you are handling other peoples anger with you a lot better than me.I do nothing but help my brother and his daughter. I accidently did something to his computer and he erupts in anger. I tried to explain and all he wants to do is yell and argue with me. I finally just isolated myself in my room and I am totlally freaked out.-I feel suoicidal and homicial at the same time.I probably will be too afraid to come out of my room for a week. I can't control my emotions at all.-I can't stop crying,shaking,obsessing etc. Etc.

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

OK. I do this all the time. The reason I am so reactive to some people's anger is because I am not well grounded in my own identity. I feel horrible.

I am wavering back and forth right now. I hate feeling like this. I am writing this here in hope that seeing it in black and white will help me see that reacting this way does not make any sense.

If I cannot see that, then maybe some comments from those who have been there will help. Or maybe, my comments will help someone else who does the same thing to themselves. Anyway, I am trying to share. Funny how I always want to share my pain, huh? (Feeling like a bottomless pit of need right now.)

I am the same person, good or bad or both, that I was before this person that I love got angry at me. Their anger at me is NOT a reflection of my worth. Their anger at me does determine my OKness, but that is only because I allow it to, right? I am OK (enough anyway) before they get angry and nothing changes about me as a person just because they got angry.

My safety is not threatened. I am who I am and I will continue to be me when they are angry and when they are not angry. I do not cease to be a good or bad or whatever person just because someone is angry at me.

I do not have to feel wobbly as an individual just because of someone else's feelings towards or about me.

I can learn to feel OK about me regardless of how others feel about me.

I can also learn that just because someone is angry at me, that does not mean that I am not safe. It used to be that way. My life used to have people in it that would take away my safety when they were angry. But those people are gone now. Someone being mad at me does not mean that I am unsafe. I can withstand their anger and be OK.

I do not have to fear. I do not have to do a deep self-inventory to figure out what is wrong with me. Their feelings are their feelings. I am not responsible for them. I did not cause someone else to be angry.

I did what I thought was right. I was true to me and that is the right thing to do.

Maybe the other persons anger is what is right for them.

As long as they do not threaten my safety, or vice versa, all is well.

Right?

I am going to choose to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I choose not to think about things that are accusations, lies, or less than good.

I am doing what I know to do.

I am getting better.

I am able to stand in the face of others anger.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

You are thinking all of the right things, but, of course, thinking and believing are two different things. Keep working on it. You are definitely on the right path. Saying that, I know that the believing is extremely hard and near impossible to do sometimes. Here's rooting for you. YOU CAN DO IT!!

It sounds as if you have real insights about anger that will be very valuable to you in the long run, even if they haven't sunk in yet. When someone is angry at me I get a knot in my stomach that seems to do away with my ability to think; this goes back to some old childhood stuff. So your comments are very helpful to me, and I hope that every time you go through this litany in your mind, it will be more and more helpful to you too.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by dgirl

I don't know if I am replying correctly - Anyway sounds like you are handling other peoples anger with you a lot better than me.I do nothing but help my brother and his daughter. I accidently did something to his computer and he erupts in anger. I tried to explain and all he wants to do is yell and argue with me. I finally just isolated myself in my room and I am totlally freaked out.-I feel suoicidal and homicial at the same time.I probably will be too afraid to come out of my room for a week. I can't control my emotions at all.-I can't stop crying,shaking,obsessing etc. Etc.

I feel the same way. I am trying to think my way through these feelings and be as positive as I know how to be. I have discussed this issue with my therapist (actually with several of them) and they point out that I am not a different person just because I feel differently about myself when someone is angry at me.

I do not feel homicidal, but I do get suicidal sometimes and I do feel angry at them for being angry with me. I also fear being abandoned by the person who is angry with me. I am currently fighting all these yucky feelings that are based on a previous reality, not on the current one. Even if this person were to abandon me, (which is not likely), I would be OK. I have survived much worse things than being abandoned by someone. I would have to adapt, but I would adapt.

I am trying to figure out who I am and in doing so, I am also finding out that I am not simply a reflection of who someone else thinks I am.

It still feels like I am when they are angry with me. I get so upset that it shakes me to my core. But it is because of that reaction that I started this post.

I am learning.

I am growing.

I refuse to give in to this disease.

I have over reacted. My emotions are too intense for the situation. Oh well.

Life is a process and for those of us with BPD, it is a painful process.

[dgirl]

So how do you handle it with the person who was angry with you. I don't want them to know how badly I overreact because then I think they will take advantage of my vulnerability and treat me more "abusively". The only thing I've been able to do is just cut them off and not interact with them at all. Just suffer in silence. I am afraid to get close to anyone for fear of myself.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

OK. I do this all the time. The reason I am so reactive to some people's anger is because I am not well grounded in my own identity. I feel horrible.

I am wavering back and forth right now. I hate feeling like this. I am writing this here in hope that seeing it in black and white will help me see that reacting this way does not make any sense.

If I cannot see that, then maybe some comments from those who have been there will help. Or maybe, my comments will help someone else who does the same thing to themselves. Anyway, I am trying to share. Funny how I always want to share my pain, huh? (Feeling like a bottomless pit of need right now.)

I am the same person, good or bad or both, that I was before this person that I love got angry at me. Their anger at me is NOT a reflection of my worth. Their anger at me does determine my OKness, but that is only because I allow it to, right? I am OK (enough anyway) before they get angry and nothing changes about me as a person just because they got angry.

My safety is not threatened. I am who I am and I will continue to be me when they are angry and when they are not angry. I do not cease to be a good or bad or whatever person just because someone is angry at me.

I do not have to feel wobbly as an individual just because of someone else's feelings towards or about me.

I can learn to feel OK about me regardless of how others feel about me.

I can also learn that just because someone is angry at me, that does not mean that I am not safe. It used to be that way. My life used to have people in it that would take away my safety when they were angry. But those people are gone now. Someone being mad at me does not mean that I am unsafe. I can withstand their anger and be OK.

I do not have to fear. I do not have to do a deep self-inventory to figure out what is wrong with me. Their feelings are their feelings. I am not responsible for them. I did not cause someone else to be angry.

I did what I thought was right. I was true to me and that is the right thing to do.

Maybe the other persons anger is what is right for them.

As long as they do not threaten my safety, or vice versa, all is well.

Right?

I am going to choose to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I choose not to think about things that are accusations, lies, or less than good.

I am doing what I know to do.

I am getting better.

I am able to stand in the face of others anger.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

I needed to hear this tonight.

thanks so much,

Carol

This is some great work you're doing here MDD. I have an exceptionally hard time when someone is mad at me. It's as if I want to 'change their feelings.' As I've said in a post before I believe, my sponsor constantly asserts to me that : "other people's feelings are none of your business."

I can believe this. I have my feelings and they have theirs. As a person with BPD however, it's harder for me to determine the difference between the two. If I base part of my identity on others, I'm bound to be affected by their emotions!

Although, the reality is...their feelings are separate from ME, they have every right to them as I feel entitled to my own. Someone elses anger is just that, someone elses. Their anger is their problem and their job to do work around, not mine. So, acceptance is my work and my problem. (Provided, yes MDD, that I'm safe). Acceptance is a big one, and that's all that my work requires around THEIR feelings.
But how to do it?
DBT also lays it out for me with the acronym 'ACCEPTS'= Activities, Comparison, Contribution, Emotions (Opposite), Pushing Away, Thoughts, Sensations. Read more here: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/accepts.html

I've found that I can't change their feelings, and they are valid (even if I didn't do anything to make them feel a certain way). So if I can't change them, and they're none of my business anyway: All I can do is accept , with compassion, and move forward.

I like this MDD:
"I am going to choose to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. I choose not to think about things that are accusations, lies, or less than good. "

The toxicity of someone else's anger makes them feel bad, but it doesn't have to make us feel bad. It may not feel that we have a choice as sufferers with BPD, but we do have a choice...we may just lack skills on how to go about this (again, DBT helps us).
Thank you MDD.
Best wishes.

[frowningdown]

MDD:
i really like the link and suggestion from stratocaster on this one.
You do need to accept the situation and not allow it to overwhelm you.

If things are safe for you now, then try to focus on how good it feels to be safe and perhaps find some gratitude for that.

You are on the right track. The "I think I can." is the Little Engine that Could. You are doing well using imagery of yourself in a positive way.

It is obvious you are making progress in your thinking and posting here can help you to execute your healthy thoughts.

That link to ACCEPTS can give you some practical things to do to help you through your feelings and can help you to to learn to accept the other person's feelings as their business and not your responsibility.

If there are future consequences or the person escalates, you can deal with that then.

There is no need to be concerned with that now. Now is the time to be concerned with now. So continue practicing being here now, as much as possible.

I commend you for your strides toward more healthy behavior and thinking.

Keep climbing that hill. You can make it to the top.

[CinnamonCandy]

There is a WONDERFUL book called "The Search for Significance " that is all about how to have inner worth regardless of what others say or think - and how to stop caring about what others' thoughts are. It is a great read, (its a christian book, i dont know if that is something you would be interested in).

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by CinnamonCandy

There is a WONDERFUL book called "The Search for Significance " that is all about how to have inner worth regardless of what others say or think - and how to stop caring about what others' thoughts are. It is a great read, (its a christian book, i dont know if that is something you would be interested in).

I am interested in it. Thank you. I will look for it at my library.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

The toxicity of someone else's anger makes them feel bad, but it doesn't have to make us feel bad. It may not feel that we have a choice as sufferers with BPD, but we do have a choice...we may just lack skills on how to go about this (again, DBT helps us).
Thank you MDD.
Best wishes.

I just had a thought.

Having BPD is a blessing to me. Because that very challenge; my symptoms have forced me to find a better way to "live and let live" when dealing with other ppl's emotions, i.e. their anger. It IS just someone else's anger. Does not have to be my own problem anymore. Let it burn. I am okay...

Carol

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I just had a thought.

Having BPD is a blessing to me. Because that very challenge; my symptoms have forced me to find a better way to "live and let live" when dealing with other ppl's emotions, i.e. their anger. It IS just someone else's anger. Does not have to be my own problem anymore. Let it burn. I am okay...

Way, way cool B. This is similar to my saying that being an alcoholic was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. If I wasn't one I wouldn't be doing all of the work that I'm doing and evolving as a person.
Very cool, way to go!