Within the last couple of weeks I've learned that my best friend will be moving away to take care of her parents. It's been primarily a work friendship, but we've been friends and colleagues for 15 years, and we've shared things-- family issues, spirituality, philosophical beliefs-- that I haven't come close to sharing with anyone else in a very long time. She and I will both be retiring in the next year; we had planned various activities and expected to help look after each other. But due to some changes in her family situation, she will now be the one to assume primary caregiving responsibility for her parents, and will move to where they and other family members are. I've been in her situation and I totally understand it. And, it goes without saying, the pain-place in me doesn't give the smallest s*** about this understanding and is gearing up for a championship round of "I'm being abandoned again."

We are not so close that we could pick up stakes and follow each other around the country, and I have family responsibilities here. She has no idea I have BPD and has not noticed that there's been something very wrong with me for most of this year, since my mind decided to erupt with old griefs and miseries. Not that I want to explain all this to her; my goal is to salvage whatever sort of long-distance relationship we might have by not going into "Go ahead and leave, see if I care" mode and other self-defeating defensive postures. She's facing a trying situation and I want to support her. Due to her parents' frailty, she could have to leave at any time, and I need to be ready.

So how do you hold those triggers at bay? How do you deal with a loss with love, honor, and compassion when there is a wailing, clinging (and angry) child inside you ready to break out at any time? Thoughts would be appreciated.

[fletch33]

I feel you. I have a friend who just got home from another country about a month ago (she had been there for 3 years), and is now contemplating moving halfway across the country from me. I feel like I am being abandoned as well. Honestly, I do not know how to stop the triggers. I feel like none of my friends want to stay around me because they are all so far away. I think probably the best way to keep yourself from having the triggers is to keep yourself in a positive frame of mind and to realize that your friend is not moving because they do not like you, they are moving because they need to.

I hope that helps.

Talk to your friend and tell her of your concerns, without mentioning the BPD. Even though she doesn't have BPD, she's bound to feel the same way to some extent. Then, work out a strategy to keep in touch. It's much easier to keep in touch than it used to be. There's instant messaging, video conferencing, texting, and a million and one other ways to stay in touch that didn't exist 20 years ago. If you have a distinct plan in place on how you're going to keep on touch....make a schedule on WHEN you'll do these things not just how, maybe it keep your triggers down, and make your friend feel a little better about leaving too.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I guess if it were me, I would behave agreeable enough, try to be grateful for what was being given me, honestly sad about them leaving.

I would vent in a safe place my negative feelings (not to the friend). I am glad you talked to us about it.

I hope you can keep in touch with this person by email, text, phone, whatever. I believe that if both parties really want the friendship, they will figure a way to keep it going, even long distance. Many of them fade out, I know. I hope this does not happen.

And maybe you'll meet another person.

Even though I don't feel too expectant now of meeting anyone or making any real connections, I am telling myself that maybe I'll find some ppl I can finally connect with. I may leave San Diego eventually and end up meeting some different kinds of ppl where I am going.

Who knows? Life can surprise us.

I do know how hard it can be. I've had to let go of some dear friends, hoping that we could be in touch and it didn't happen. I still wonder sometimes what they were "really thinking of me". lol

Carol

Thanks, all. Yes, Fletch, it's difficult not to feel personally threatened by circumstances that aren't aimed at me at all. Working out a method of communication in advance is a good idea, Maranara. And that's a good point about gratitude, Carol-- it's so easy not to focus on how great it is to have such a friend in the first place when all I can think of is loss. Wish I could wrap my emotions into a tidy parcel and ship them off someplace, but then what would happen to the unsuspecting person who opened the package?

[Scorpio Eyes]

Recently, I lost a lot of friends, but a few I managed to be more amicable in the departure of. I think, if you talk to her, she'll understand. You've known for fifteen years, you said. My best friend of the past seven and I had a long talk over pudding cups and were relativly okay with the fact we've grown too far apart to be friends. Sometimes I want to cry and yell at him, but I don't pick up the phone. He understands how I am and I him, so he wouldn't blame me if I did. My friend's a bit of a prick, too. Your friend sounds like a sweet person, just as you are, so I think communication will really help. That's not to say you won't still feel the tugging on your heartstrings. Sometimes I still want my "big brother" back. This doesn't have to be the end of your friendship, though. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks Scorpio-- The image of a long talk over pudding cups gave me a much-needed lift.

[Scorpio Eyes]

Pudding helps everything.