[luckyclov78]

I've been dealing with bpd my entire life, 34 years... I can trace it back all the way back to being 4 years old and having separation issues with my parents. I don't remember any kind of traumatic events happening that early so I think I was born with bpd traits. Throughout my lifetime as I got older though I went through I feel that many traumatic and scarring events at the hands of my parents and then later on by my own hands occurred to cause the bpd to become severe. I had severe anxiety and depression from age 12 leading to one actual suicide attempt but never sought any kind of treatment until I realized on my own as an adult that there was something that just wasn't quite right. I get angry now as I think back to my parents not seeing that there was something horribly wrong with a 12 or 13 year old wanting to kill themselves So at about 21 I'm diagnosed with GAD and Depression and put on anti-depressants. For the past 13 years I have been on every medication possible with not a single fully sucessful result. I've had therapy here and there and have been hospitalized twice. Once that I checked myself in and the second time from a suicide attempt after my divorce. I've had so many failed drama filled relationships. How my ex husband made it through 7 years of dealing with me I have no idea...But it did finally take it's toll causing our divorce. The only period of time I remember being "ok" and not feeling crazy is a 9 month period last year in which I was in a long distance "relationship" but basically on my own. I think it was because I didn't have someone around me all of the time that I could be suspicious of leaving me. I didn't have someone that I felt like I had to read every facial expression or tone of voice to make sure that everything was ok. Oh, btw, the "relationship" was with a best friend from high school who was incarcerated that whole time we were "together." I think this was another reason I felt ok for once in my life because I felt secure with him. I knew where he was 24/7. I knew when he would call. We never argued. Pathetic huh? That's the closest thing to feeling "normal" I've ever felt. Anyway that relationship ended after he got out of jail. Surprise, surprise...like I didn't know that was bound to happen. So once that was over I met someone from my area. Things moved fast and were very very intense. I felt like I met my soulmate. We moved in together after only knowing each other for 3 weeks. When first getting to know him I opened up to him and told him everything I could about me thinking that if he knew what kind of problems I had right up front that would ensure that we would last. Well inevitably came my outbursts of anger, my threats of being done with the relationship, my accusations of him being the problem. This brings us to now. We've been together for 8 months and it's been rocky to say the least. Things were at their worst 3 weeks ago when I threatened suicide because he had said something that made me feel like he couldn't handle me and would end up leaving me. That event was very intense and resulted in the two of us taking a look at my medications because at that point we were blaming them. It was prozac up until that time. We started researching medications so that I could talk to my doc to let him know what I would like to try different. That's when I came across this website and I found a post where someone was differentiating bi-polar from bpd. I had never even heard of bpd but as I was reading about it I was crying my eyes out because I had finally figured out what has been wrong all this time and why medicines have never ever worked. I was crying because I was I was relieved, but at the same time scared and actually frustrated that for me to finally get better it wouldn't be as easy as a medication change. I think my boyfriend probably would have given up on me if we hadn't came across the bpd info. I think once he read more about it he felt like I truly wasn't in control of some of the things I had said and done to hurt him. He agreed to stick with me and do what he could to help me get better. As I said this was just 3 weeks ago...I did change meds and have my first appointment with a therapist Monday. The first week after we recognized the bpd was good. I was calm. I payed more attention to my emotions and my boyfriend seemed more patient with me. But the last two weeks have gone right back to the same old thing. At times i think things have gotten worse. We had a terrible fight last night which almost resulted in me going to the hospital. Things calmed down a little but I'm still not sure if I will make it through the weekend without admitting myself. I am very frustrated because I know there is such a long road ahead of us and I'm afraid I will fail. If I fail my relationship will be done. I feel like this is my last chance. If I can't get better and make things right with this man who is willing to stand beside me after everything I've put him through I won't be able to make it work with anyone. Anyway as I tried to warn in my title I know this is long and a lot of information. But I just feel the need to get it out of my head and maybe get some input from anyone who knows what this is like.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I just want to say that I identify, esp with that fear of failing and having my last chance.

and then losing it.

I am glad you came here.

I lost my last husband because of my bpd.

I have heard of relationships surviving, though.

And not just because of the person with bpd working on things, but also because both parties are dealing with it.

I hope you some help, whereve it is.

You deserve it. You deserve another chance.

As long as you are alive.

Even if you lose one more person.

don't ever give up on *yourself*. I am also saying this to myself.

Carol

[powertools321]

First let me say welcome. Second what this is like, I can answer that in one word, hell. I feel your pain and be rest assured good or bad, you are not alone. There are some medications out there that will help lessen the severity of the mood swings and this can be wonderful in it's own. I'm currently on Depakote after many tries with other medications and it seems to help. A good Dr. and T who understands BPD and has worked with BPD patients in the past can make a huge difference. Try to find ones who do/understand DBT therapy as that was specifically designed for people with BPD and has shown very good success.

[markmorrow]

it's not too long of a post, it just needs to be split into paragraphs

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by markmorrow

it's not too long of a post, it just needs to be split into paragraphs

Watch out everyone, it's the grammar police!