[Korana]

I used to post here a bit, and then started therapy again and decided to be independent about it all.
I was so wrong about it, and a lot of other things.
I should mention my family don't acknowledge my condition or have any interest in it.
I am deemed moody and unreasonable. They feel embarassed that I have to go through therapy and don't support me in any way.
I am 23, and still live at home. I give my parents money for this, cook, clean, and take care of my siblings affairs, like my sisters children. This is a daily occurrence. I cannot drive and make my own way everywhere, buy my own food and do my own washing, plus theirs.
I have had some great days in my life and this is due to my wonderful, patient and understanding partner, but my family send me spiralling into such an intense BPD state that I regress into self-harm, drinking and self-sabotage. I sleep all day, stop eating and then binge eat and stop communicating with anyone. They don't even notice when this happens.

I have an issue with shopping and thus have a lot of possessions. Considering I never ask for anything, ever, and I give so much, why is it a horrific prospect that I move into the bigger room that is unoccupied and was previously mine anyway. I am claustrophobic as it is and being in a box room with all of my possessions so I literally can't move in it. I climb onto the bed from the door. I spend a lot of time hiding in there and i'm losing my mind.
This is the latest trigger that has sent me spiralling.
It reminds how much they don't care about me and use me.
I have no chance of getting out of here for a few more months. I can't breathe and I just can't face the day anymore. I haven't washed yet this week and the thought makes me so tired I have to lie down.
I need a kick or a push or something to jolt me out of this. My therapist is on holiday.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

So sorry you are feeling bad. I really have no advice to offer, no kick or push to give you. I do want you to know I am here and I care and I understand. Perhaps you can get through this one breath at a time. Just keep breathing through it.

Hello, Korana.

I have no means of helping you, can't really give advice and certainly cannot appear magically to rescue you. All I can do is acknowledge how you feel and perhaps relate to it.

It sounds as if you felt you are not loved, not appreciated the way you should be.

I wonder if your family really is fully aware of your turmoil and the tremendous efforts you seem to make on a daily basis. Being called unreasonable is extremely hurtful and so difficult to fight!

I'm glad you have a partner though. You are indicating that you have no chance to get out of the place for months - on the other hand, you WILL have the chance to get out after a few months, right?

I know, it doesn't solve the issues of the moment but perhaps something to look forward to?

Also, careful with the booze, if I may respectfully suggest. I understand that sometimes anything is better than the sheer madness that threatens to swallow you up whole but you are young and - no doubt - beautiful; please try not to harm yourself this way.

I wish I could give you the push you think you need. I can't - I don't have the right to do it and cannot take responsibility for doing anything like that, at all.

However, you might be interested that I know a psychiatrist whose method is to literally to shout everybody down; tell them what useless, disgraceful tossers they are etc. Revolting methods you may say but he often evokes such anger that people actually turn their lives around. OK, not everybody but he did get people off heroine by being clever but cruel.

It is just a story, not an offer - I couldn't get you in touch with him so please don't get me wrong. I'm only mentioning this because I think you might actually be correct and right now, what you need is a push.

I don't know.
Sorry about rambling.

I strongly hope things get better for you.

Hugs

ash

Originally Posted by Korana

I used to post here a bit, and then started therapy again and decided to be independent about it all.
I was so wrong about it, and a lot of other things.
I should mention my family don't acknowledge my condition or have any interest in it.
I am deemed moody and unreasonable. They feel embarassed that I have to go through therapy and don't support me in any way.
I am 23, and still live at home. I give my parents money for this, cook, clean, and take care of my siblings affairs, like my sisters children. This is a daily occurrence. I cannot drive and make my own way everywhere, buy my own food and do my own washing, plus theirs.
I have had some great days in my life and this is due to my wonderful, patient and understanding partner, but my family send me spiralling into such an intense BPD state that I regress into self-harm, drinking and self-sabotage. I sleep all day, stop eating and then binge eat and stop communicating with anyone. They don't even notice when this happens.

I have an issue with shopping and thus have a lot of possessions. Considering I never ask for anything, ever, and I give so much, why is it a horrific prospect that I move into the bigger room that is unoccupied and was previously mine anyway. I am claustrophobic as it is and being in a box room with all of my possessions so I literally can't move in it. I climb onto the bed from the door. I spend a lot of time hiding in there and i'm losing my mind.
This is the latest trigger that has sent me spiralling.
It reminds how much they don't care about me and use me.
I have no chance of getting out of here for a few more months. I can't breathe and I just can't face the day anymore. I haven't washed yet this week and the thought makes me so tired I have to lie down.
I need a kick or a push or something to jolt me out of this. My therapist is on holiday.