I apologize....and need advice and help.

First of all, I wanted to apologize for not posting for quite a while. I've been around but I've basically been avoiding the BPD forum. I can't explain it and I don't know if anyone shares my feelings, but when I first started here and until recently, I actively participated in this forum. I made a number of threads and attempted to help others as much as possible by posting things on theirs. Lately, however, when I read of others' problems, I seem internalize them and it makes my own problems worse. And if I reply, I basically trigger myself in the process and end up crying half was through the post. It's not that I don't care about you guys and your problems; it's that I care too much, and so many of them hit me so personally. This is also what happened in my relationship with another person with BPD....he would tell me how down he was or that he was participating in SI or thinking of suicide, and within a short period of time, I'd feel the same way. I felt I could help at first, but the longer I was involved, the worse I felt until it got to the point that he couldn't take it coming from me and I was basically released.

My old prolems....the reason I came here in the first place have returned...namely the person I mentioned above, the person I shared everything with and subsequently abandoned me. If you want to read the original threads I wrote about this, here they are:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=240398
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=243022
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=240644

On Friday night, he wrote me, completely drunk, and told me he needed to know how she was...my daughter. I instantly went numb...didn't want to feel anything. I probably shouldn't have...I know that...but I'm completely impulsive in this matter. I wrote him back. I told him that she was okay and I promised to let him know if that ever changed. I also asked him if we could keep in touch...play an online game with no talking. I figured that he got what he wanted and that I wouldn't hear from him again, but he replied back and then started a game. I started getting anxious; a feeling that hasn't gone away at all.

We've had a few words back and forth but very few. At the end of our first game, which I won, I stated to him that he didn't have to stick around...it was his choice. That I didn't need him anymore. I gave him an out, and it was very,very hard to say and I sure didn't feel it. He replied back "I will win" and started another game. We haven't said a word to each other since.

I don't know why he's still around. I'm scared and very confused. I'm scared of him. 2,600 miles away and I scared! I'm scared my impulsiveness is going to take over, I'm going to try to talk to him again, and he's going to blow again...I don't think I could go through that again. Everytime I play my hand in the game or have dared to say a word or two, the feeling of panic builds in my stomach waiting to be released. I don't know why he's sticking around. Is he lonely too? Is he trying to make up? Am I just a way in for him to know about my daughter? Or, is he just interested in the game? I told myself that if he really had BPD, his anger would eventually leave him and he'd be back....and here he is. It was recommended to me to post on the Partners of People with Personality Disorders page and maybe I will, but I've brought this up to you because this is WHERE I BELONG. I'm also having problems dealing with my current situation. I felt I HAD to come here, but this isn't my home. I know no one here. This is not my home. And I have no way to return..... and if I did I'd be impulsive and things would be even worse... I don't know how to leave well enough alone.....

I'm also scared because my husband is going out of town on Friday and will be gone for a week. I'm so scared of being alone right now. I'm scared I'll drink, I'll get impulsive and do something I'm going to regret, I'll be stupid, and I'll fall in to a stupor that I won't be able to crawl out of for a while. I'm trying to stay busy, but I don't know if it will be enough. I haven't told my husband he's returned. My husband knows him and likes him, knows the effect he has on me, but has no clue why I feel the way I do...and there's been a time or two he's felt jealous, which makes me feel even worse. He has no reason to....our relationship is not in jeopardy, at least on my end. I....can't talk to him about it. The entire thing is completely in the head. When the guy said he was going to stay away, my husband was like, "okay, have a good life" with no bad or good feelings and no animosity at all...which I don't understand either. How can anyone just let someone go like that? My husband's brother basically disowned him over our move and doesn't want to talk to him anymore and my husband acted the same way. How? Why? I don't get it...how anyone can react that way.

Don't suggest that I just stop playing the game with him and let it go. I know I should. It's not that easy. But I guess nothing will be easy right now. I know, if nothing else, I need to have strict boundaries. I shouldn't allow this to go past that game...but I know I won't be able to stick to that boundary. I've always been the weak one; I will cave before he does....while I'm home alone. And what if he starts feeling comfortable around me again and decides to start telling me of his issues, his own depression, his SI, his suicidal thoughts? I'll go right now with him. At the beginning of this, we were able to help each other, but now we can't do anything but cause each other's demise. I AM able to occasionally think of all of this in wise mind. I know what it does, what I need to do, but I don't know how....

I guess I've rambled enough. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place. Any ideas, suggestions, thoughts, condolences, similar situations you're willing to share would be greatly welcome....please be nice about it. Critical is understandable but please don't be too critical...I hope you know what I mean....

I understand, you already know I do. I am not going to relinquish advice that you just stop contact completely, but I also know that it ISNT so easy.

I can't really type much right now, my day is chaos. I'm in the middle of working and feeling like my head is going to explode. I'm still thinking about how to help with this. It may not be much, but I just wanted to let you know that I've got your back, whenever you need. Feel free to talk whenever you need to mara

Much love.

I definitely will be thinking upon this today...I am going to check out the links you put in your thread...just wanted to let you know I am here, I might not have advice but I am here and you have been listened to

It astonished me how we continued to be triggered so intensely by our old relationships. Emotional memories seem like they're happening right now, deja vu all over again. It's the condition, so we forgive ourselves for our fear, I think, and keep trying to cope.

M,

I am writing to you tonight. Please know that you are very loved and cared for. You are an important part of my life, and I usually shun any that are too important. I couldn't imagine doing that to you. You are so gentle and honest it is to break my own heart to hear this sorrowful confession. So raw and honest. Nothing like it has been written, that I have here ever read.

Take care of yourself this afternoon, and I will write as soon as I am able.

You are courageous in ways I could hardly imagine having the integrity to be,

Love to you, seriously...love to you, today,

-Fleeing Bellocq, Muse of the Mission Distrct

Awe, Mara, I'm sorry you're going through what you are. Mostly because I understand so well what you mean. Especially the fact that you already know it's not as easy as just "not playing the game" with him. I haven't read your other posts yet but I'm going to. just wanted to let you know I feel for you. *hug*

My mom wanted me to be a nun....maybe it was a better idea than I realized at the time. To me, no relationships = no intense BPD. Minor flareups, small issues...all the time, but I can usually cope.

What a thing to have happen to you now... I guess if it were me I'd (1) be a basket case and then (2) try to ask myself, "Does this guy have my best interests in mind?" That "I will win" sounds, I don't know-- like he was talking about more than the game, perhaps. I hope you find ways to distract and comfort yourself while you work this through.

Mara-

I wish I had some amazing advice that would make everything seem clearer. I don't, but I wanted you to know that your post was read. When people we've missed show back up, it can be so easy to try and rebuild something. We've already gone through the pain and heartache of trying to let them go once (or twice, or several times...) and when they stroll back, seemingly out of nowhere, it can feel like there are two choices: let them go all over again, or try and see if we can maintain some tentative balance in order to feel like they're part of our lives again. Every move is over-analyzed and we are never sure if what we're doing is right. I hope that whatever you decide to do about this situation is what makes you the most at ease, because that is important.

I understand that what you're going through is really, really difficult. Lots of calming energy your way. ((hugs))

thanks Maranara for talking to us about what's going on. I have been concerned about you.

I do relate to feeling like I have to internalize others' problems. And I tend to empathize more with them than with myself. I am aware of stuff of mine, too, but I have more supportive/attention skills toward others' problems. It's much easier to just be in someone else, for me.

I am not going to tell you what to do. This is your process and I am just glad you are talking to us.

I hope you get guided to do what is in your best interest; you will find that. My mentor tells me this all the time. "Carol, you will do the right thing. You can do it."

Us pwpbd's do think absolute thinking; human condition is not that simple. Lots of colors, lots of shades of gray.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Carol

Last night, we finished a 2nd game and he started a 3rd. I sent him this note and then resigned the game:

“It has taken some time but I now own it. My extreme BPD manipulation and abandonment issues destroyed our friendship. I didn't realize what I was doing, but regardless, it is no one's fault but mine. I am sorry, I didn't mean to, but I know those words hold no meaning, uttered too many times. I wish we could talk, but I know you won't allow it, and for very good reason. I remain very unstable and I no longer wish to hurt you or embarrass myself. I have enjoyed our games, but they hurt too much to continue. I hope we can stay in touch and that we may be able to play more in the future. I hope that one of these days you can forgive me and we'll be able to have a healthy friendship. Take care.”

After I wrote this, I cried, was totally paronid the rest of the night waiting for a response that never came, never slept, and have been pretty emotional today (go figure). I meant what I said....I know it was my fault. Yes, he hurt me, cursed me, made sure I'd stay away, but I manipulated him mercilessly and I know that now.
And so it ends for now. Is it over...I would bet the house that it isn't. Partially hopeful feeling? Maybe. But I know me...know us. We are both BPD and have both succumbed to the endless temptation to contact before and when the roller coaster dips particularily low, it will happen again. Maybe next time, however, I'll be more prepared, understand things better, and be okay with it. Will that happen?...probably not. Will always be emotional and never be able to handle relationships...sigh.

lol... I can definitely relate to this statement. Minus the mom part.

I think that's why my mom never liked my husband...sigh. BPD does run in families and is learned by at least some of us. I am proof of that....