What is real?

Some may look at this as seeking attention, being manipulative or a number of other things but I will speak my mind for possibly what will be the last time on PC.

I joined PC to find companionship and to not feel so alone in my problems, and it worked for a while. Quite a long while. Then, I started being bothered by people with the same problems as me. Felt as though their problems were triggering me. Wanted to help people but felt powerless to do so. Have read very few of the most recent threads....

Now, I know I'm not thinking straight, I'm being delusional, but I feel as though the people on PC are figments of my imagination. They are imaginary people who are putting on an act, who are not real, who cannot really understand. I was in a f**king "friendship" with someone who could only text, rarely talk, and God forbid talk when I was upset, even though, when it came down to it, I wouldn't talk when I actually got him on the phone. I asked to talk to him....he refused. Texting would make me feel delusional after a while, disconnected with the world, empty, but he didn't care. He is no longer real. My family, who I moved from, is no longer real except my sister who seems to think the only time I call is when I want something.

I wrote a list this morning of things I could look at as real...my house, our animals, my son. My daughters are becoming less real because they now live far away, and my husband, right now, is becoming less real all the time because he is away and never seems to have the time to talk. I am grasping at straws, grasping at the slick sides of a mountain attempting not to slide in... Mountains are real. Maybe I'll find out how real and see how long it takes to fall several hundred feet. Snake River gorge they call it...put a pretty picture of it on my new blog. Pain is real; probably the most real thing of all right now.

What it boils down to is this: computers and technology are bad for me. I have almost no connections in real life but I must make the most of the few I have. I feel empty, worthless, but PC is not helping anymore. I may be leaving soon. Leave behind the only friends I have in this world...they are not real.

Sorry for the depressing rant. I know I'm seeking attention, someone to pat me on the back and say it's okay, but it's all I have right now.... and what does the word "sorry" mean anyway? Nothing. Nothing means anything anymore.

I wish I hadn't written this now....too late though. As BPD goes, the reason I wrote this and the intenseness of this feeling has gone away to return later, tonight, tomorrow, who knows? I have to limit my time on here....this just isn't healthy for me. Imagine that!

Just sending positive thoughts your way...know that sounds silly I guess but I wanted you to know that...

BPD + stress + being alone + drinking last night = complete paranoia and being somewhat delusional
Would this one fit under the trait of feeling emptiness?

Maranara: I can assure you that I am real and my pain and progress s real and my breath is real and my posts come from real places and express real feelings, thoughts and ideas.
If you find that being on PC is not helpful for you, then it is good for you to leave or limit you time on here.

I understand that sometimes you feel connected and disconnected to some folks on PC and that can be confusing and frustrating. For me, having PC here and having others with BPD and PTSD helps me, because when I get weirded out, I want to know that I am not just freakishly bizarre, but there are others like me. We are alike because we share the same disease and my unusual feelings and thought are largely due to my illness. Having that reminder, plus the support of these folks at PC is a help to me.
I do not spend tons of time here though. I come in when I need something or I want to check on someone I am concerned about. I come on here when I wonder about some aspect of the illness or some behavior. I come here when I feel as if I have not done anything for anyone lately and I want to give back. But I still live my my life outside of PC. PC is a part of that life, for me.

If it is becoming too big of a part of your life, then it is appropriate for you to step back a bit. I would encourage you to not leave PC altogether, as you will be missed, as will your unique perspective. In addition, you may miss some of us here on PC. You may miss the support and the understanding that you receive, that only a fellow BPDer can give. Many can offer sympathy, but only those who have been there can offer empathy.

Just my 2 cents.

I am sorry if I am part of something, to you, that does not help.

I respect your decision either way.

If you leave, I'll miss you.

I am also dealing with too much internet.

Also, I know that the PC'ers are real. And I am real and you are real. PC has helped me and you have been a big help here, to me, and to PC.

You can t hink however you want. That is up to you.

You can do whatever you want.

I am not mad at you, just stating the fact.

I am afraid that I am one of those that bothered you, though and I need to get that off my chest.

I will not bother you anymore and you may ignore my posts if they upset you.

Carol

This post, of all of them you've put up in the past resonated with me more than any of them. The truth is, I understand completely how you feel right down to this part:

So many times over the years being on, not just PC but anywhere I get to a point where I think the same things. But even more so on PC at times I think people are "putting on an act" and dont' really relate. I'm sure there are a few that are out there that are fakes but for the most part a lot are very real. Especially one for me on PC. Her and I have texted and posted back and forth for several months now and the more I get to know her, the more I've learned to trust her. Truth is, over all the people on PC, pretty much, she's all I need for support.

My family feels the same about me, and frankly I don't talk to them at all, but for me it's been over 15 years since I moved across the country from them. I don't know how your relationship was with them but mine sucked. My family sucks I don't miss them but once in a long while and it's usually based on the few good times of the distant past, not on the reality of what they are now.

Another thing that I can relate to. I have pretty much 0 friends IRL and all of my closest friends are online (not just pc). I know how you feel.

Hang in there, and I hope you don't leave. I've had the same urge many times but am glad I haven't. If you need anyone to bounce things off of, I'm here. As I told you you can pm anytime. *many hugs*

Carol,
You have not upset me specifically...no one has. Do not blame yourself for my sensitivities in this matter. This is something that has developed over time. It is no one's fault save the horrid BPD and my being alone during a bad stretch with nothing but the Internet. I will stay, but I must find additional diversions, stay busy, not take things personally, and not read and respond to too many posts, particularily during bad stretches. Take care and do not feel bad, my friend.

I understand even more how bpd can hurt others.

I have hurt ppl when I have assumed and generalized about ppl by thinking that they are not for real, or if they are deliberately trying to hurt me.

My mentor said to me, recently, "Carol, you can have empathy for someone and still not be the victim of their stuff. And most times, ppl don't mean to hurt you. Just they have no room for your stuff now or they don't realize how you are feeling."

I don't think that I or anyone else with bpd deliberately hurts anyone or tries to deliberately seek attention. But I am becoming more and more aware as I watch myself and others with bpd behave. And our behavior can, (although I understand it, believe me!) hurt others, esp without our realizing it.

I should not have to apologize just for reaching out to someone I really care about.

Carol

No apologizes required. It was an intense feeling I had to get out there and has since abated...for now. It is no one's fault except the BPD. I've had a few hard, soul searching, intense, lonely days and I was stupid and drank on top of it. I became a bit delusional. No one needs to apologize to me for anything they've written. I just need to work it out, work on other distractions, work on my own loneliness, work on kicking the BPD. I understand you were harsh because you care and that you don't want me to leave and that is much appreciated and I thank you for your concern.I sometimes forget...we are all in this fight together, though the BPD wants us to believe we're alone in our stuggles.

I didn't mean to upset so many by this thread...I felt lost and empty and alone and PC was my only outlet. The feeling abated not long after I started the thread and no one had replied yet and I attempted to delete it and I couldn't. Luckily for us, extreme feelings don't last long...I just wish they didn't occur at all.... And I hope the feeling doesn't come back anytime soon...

I am a real person - just pinched myself to make sure

Sorry to hear you've been having a few bad days. I don't dare to drink at all. It does nasty things to my head and makes me want to die. I sometimes get sucked into the computer and can't seem to get out. You're right, internet can get out of balance but it's hard for me to socialize in the real world. It's hard to give advice and support to others when your own tank is empty. I hope you're having a good day.

I can't tell you how many times I've posted something on a social media outlet and then regretted it hours later because I didn't feel that way anymore! You should not feel bad for this. It was worrying, but this is the place to express your intense emotions, not hold them in, and I'm glad you didn't because I could definitely relate. I lose touch with reality so easily. I feel as if I am losing touch with the world outside my house quite often.

I don't think you upset people by your thread, the least of all me. I feel for you and I know exactly how the events that happened can lead up to what you posted. I've been there, done that... bought the t-shirt. If it helped that you got it out and even more if you're helped by everyone's response, it was worth it. Hang in there!

Hi Maranara...I love your name by the way.

Could it be that the holidays are almost here? I know for myself that the holiday season really makes me feel especially lonely and depressed. It is a difficult time of the year for many people. I would hate to see you leave PC. I have not been on here but a couple weeks, but I tell ya, I have enjoyed reading your posts. I think that many of us don't really have anyone close, so we need to stick together in this, especially now. Please hang in there and take some time to refresh yourself, but do come back because I would bet that you have more friends on here than you realize. PC members are a part of your family and we need you. Cat

The holidays could be playing a role but I pretty much figured it out. I had to look myself in the mirror lately and come to a few harsh realizations. I am having severe abandonment issues, and despite the pain, I have to own it: I caused them. My manipulative and clingy behavior made them inevitable. Sure it was the BPD, but if I don't own it I'll never be able to change it or fix it or, if necessary, avoid it. That, coupled with the constant texting I did with this person, being completely alone right now, way too much time on PC and the computer in general (I work at home on the computer and often do 12 hour days), getting too close to some people on PC, drinking that night, and my emotions doing the roller coaster routine caused for one major delusional trip. In didn't last long, as usual, but it was intense. I thank everyone so much for your patience and understanding.

The holidays could be playing a role but I pretty much figured it out. I had to look myself in the mirror lately and come to a few harsh realizations. I am having severe abandonment issues, and despite the pain, I have to own it: I caused them. My manipulative and clingy behavior made them inevitable. Sure it was the BPD, but if I don't own it I'll never be able to change it or fix it or, if necessary, avoid it. That, coupled with the constant texting I did with this person, being completely alone right now, way too much time on PC and the computer in general (I work at home on the computer and often do 12 hour days), getting too close to some people on PC, drinking that night, and my emotions doing the roller coaster routine caused for one major delusional trip. In didn't last long, as usual, but it was intense and I'm not looking forward to it's inevitable return. I thank everyone so much for your patience and understanding.

I wish you the best!

I don't think it's the closeness that's the bad thing so much as getting too close to the wrong people. Everyone needs a confidant, a close friend they are so comfortable and happy with that they can say anything, do anything and know their friend will be there for them still. That doesn't come from casual relationships.

True...but my social skills when it comes to relationships are very, very poor and I push/pull, become manipulative and clingy very fast, even with "virtual" people. I'm working on it...I'm aware of it and that's a step in the right direction. For an extremely long amount of time, I was doing this but had no idea.... I guess that's a start in the right direction.... Just...scared. Never know when it's going to start again.
I avoided people and was basically alone (with the exception of my husband who I drove totally insane for 10 years) for close to 20 years. Alone, but very few BPD flare-ups. An occasional bad day, but I could cope. Then this "relationship" and "abandonment" happened...and I've had issues ever since. The problems actually came back completely within 1 week of it all starting! Not only is the BPD really bad, but I no longer feel I can avoid people like I used to, which lead to more issues. A bit of a Catch-22 wouldn't you say?

there is a word for what you are describing. it is called derealisation. not sure i spelled it right. i get it too. sometimes i feel like whole world isnt real. including myself which is depersonalisation.

I don't get it often...at all. Mainly when I reach a BPD crisis point. It's probably related to disassociation in my case. I disassociate very, very easily. Not to the point where our friends with the disorder do. I don't ever wake up not knowing where I am or what I've done...but I get very numb, like I'm not quite there, looking down at myself, and I get a feeling of instant calm. It happens when I'm under stress. It used to be extreme stress, but it's become too common. And I don't lose my memory, but the finer details go away. Once during a dissassociation episode at school, I couldn't remember my students' names and I couldn't read an overhead I was teaching from even though I'd used it all day. Could barely talk. About a week later, I tried to think of what I was teaching to catch up my lesson plans, and I couldn't remember. Kinda scary when it gets that bad. Luckily, it's only gotten that bad a few times and it's not a common occurrence. Disassociation is a trait of BPD though I don't know how many of us experience it. I think I might have it worse than most. I don't know if that's a curse or a blessing.