[Scorpio Eyes]

I spent the past ten days watching my friends house. I'm not perfect, but I thought I managed okay. I just got a six page text telling me everything I did wrong, how I ****ed up, took advantage of their trust, and how furious they are at me for ruining everything. I'm crying in the dark. Because I do that a lot. I can't even do sumple things right. Watch a house, take care of some dogs. Sounds easy enough. Nope. Scorpio ****ed it up royally. Like he does with everything. It's no wonder I don't have any friends. I can't do anything right. I **** up to levels so great I can't even comprehend it until it's pointed out to me. I'm a loser and a failure and now two more of my friends think I'm a gigantic bastard because I ****ed up, yet again. As ****ing usual. I've been taking my cane and bashing my bad leg in for a while. I'm such a coward I can't even put all my strength into it. I'm too afraid to cut myself, too. What a ****ing loser; I'm too much of a coward to even punish myself. ****ING COWARD, FAILURE, JACKASS, LOSER, ****UP. I HATE YOU. God, why don't you just kill me already?! I contribute nothing positive to this world. Just failure after failure after ****ING FAILURE. I can't do anything right and now my friends come home from vacation and I ruined everything. KILL YOURSELF. Why haven't I jumped in front of a bus, yet? Oh, yeah. I'm a coward. I can't even have a little victory like making them happy. Nope. KILL YOURSELF. For nineteen years all I've done is fail and **** up and make everything harder for everyone. No wonder my family wants nothing to do with me. I'm an irresponsible jackass who could set water on fire without realizing it. I am such a GOD DAMNED FAILURE it defies the reasonable laws of reality. KILL YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS ****. At this point, it'd be a public service. You ***** and preach about Honor - a Samurai would rip his entrails out for ****ing up like you have. Seppeku sounds like a GRAND IDEA. Hell, a Samurai with Honor would have sliced his gut open and had someone decapitate him years ago if he lived through the failures I have. I can't do anything right. I am so sick of pissing off, disappointing, and failing everyone. I try so hard to do things right but nothing works out for me. I'm going to go take the rest of my bottle of painkillers and continue working up the courage to break my leg. That'll teach me. I'm too much of a coward to actually off myself and I'll give up on the leg. I dislocated my wrist once, but I meant to break it. I'm such a *****. I can't even punish myself right. I just wish I could do something right for once.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I empathize so much.

I am so sorry you had such a hard time.

I lost my nightguard; threw it in the trash by mistake. And I had a si episode. I am okay now, but what a night.

Getting a long dirty laundry list of criticism---oh my g*d. I can only imagine what it felt like for you.

Don't know what to say.

I could not just leave this unreplied to, esp when I empathize so much.

and sorry if this made you feel worse.

Somebody does care and feel your pain.

And your hopelessness.

Carol

[shezbut]

((((Scorpio Eyes)))))

I am so sorry that you had a tough time & are now fighting major self-hate. You don't deserve this horrible blame that you're taking on. It's more likely that your friends weren't very clear in their expectations, and maybe ven got into an argument just before getting home. Their 6 page letter putting you down sounds a bit too extreme to me!

Give yourself a gentle hug ~ you deserve to be treated better by true friends.

[ruby.lestrange]

Scorpio,

I know it can be difficult, but try to be gentler with yourself. You don't deserve all of the abuse you are giving yourself right now. It's OK to mess up sometimes. And taking care of someone's house (and pets) is not easy! Everyone has specific ways they do things, and it's very easy to accidentally miss a few or not do it they way they would themselves.
Sending you a list like that was uncalled for. Did the house burn down? Did the dogs run away? Did you throw out their furniture? I'm guessing not, so I'm sure you did just fine. Try and think of the natures of the people for whom you were house sitting. I suspect that Shez is right and they weren't specific enough, or that their anger was really directed at someone/thing else other than you.
Try to remember to be gentle with yourself, I am sure you did great watching the house and the dogs.

((hug))

[ECHOES]

Why do you have to agree with them?

You thought you managed okay because you were doing your best.
If they had specific expectations of you, they needed to state them very clearly before they left.

This sounds like maybe they had inappropriate expectations, and that is their problem to deal with.

If it was me, I would calmly reply and state that I am very sorry that they are upset and thank them for letting me know. And that would be the end of that.

.

[Scorpio Eyes]

Maybe I just hate criticism in any form. Maybe I just don't like getting ripped a new one when I really tried to do something right. Maybe I Just can't stand this happening every ****ing time. After a certain point, I just don't fight it anymore. I'll sit there and let people say whatever they want about me, because nothing I say or do will stop them. Whether it's my parents, family, or just friends. Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. It gets old and it never stops hurting. I've resolved to just isolate myself even more. Some of my friends were going to throw me a party for my birthday. I think I'll just stay in my room and drug myself for three days until it's over.

BNB: You didn't make me feel worse. I'm glad you're always there to try and help me.
SB: I took a bottle of pills, passed out, and when I woke up, I had a clearer mind. My rational mind says this was going to happen no matter what, don't take it personally, and they were going to rip my *** open whether I did perfectly or not. So, I think they're expectations are just unreal. They seem to think that if I screw up, I'm vindictive. That I'm some kind of malicious bastard. No, I just don't live up to inhuman standards. Not theirs. Not my own. Which are way higher.
RL: It is okay to mess up sometimes. I mess up all the time. What hurts me most is that I can't seem to get a damn bit of positive reinforcement from anyone in my personal life. They're suppose to be my friends. Getting my *** ripped open when I'm already barely okay is just too much. I've had a rough year and no one seems to care. I've had a rough nineteen. Is it wrong that I want someone to just be gentle with me for once?
E: I think you're right, but I Just don't know how to do that.

Thank you, all, though. I'm still feeling like a giant piece of crap and I'd really like to die from shame and self-hatred, but I'll manage. Part of me is all "Guys, chill the **** out." and the other is "Yes, I'm a terrible person. Please hurt me more." @_@

[AngelWolf3]

I am sorry this is going on, I too think a six page letter was over the top. Everyone has given great replies already, so I just wanted to say that I stopped in and care about you.

[kindachaotic]

Really sorry you're having a rough go of things lately.
Please try & be kind to yourself & give yourself credit for trying.
You will find your niche' in life, don't give up, your worth it.
Sending you kind & supportive thoughts.

I can offer no support and no true advise, but I do understand, I get it along with everyone else here, and I've got your back. I wish I could be more of a true friend and offer more...

[MDDBPDPTSD]

So sorry Scorpio. I have been there too, where I feel like everything I do fails. Even my best intentions and best efforts seem to be unsuccessful.
I do want to encourage you, because I have been there so many times. I have learned that what I feel clouds the way I see things. If I feel horrible about myself, then I tend to only see the stuff I did not do right, the stuff that failed, the stuff the I wish would have gone differently. But, if I feel OK about myself, then I can see the good stuff too, the stuff I did do correctly, the things I accomplished, the stuff that turned out OK.
As Ruby said, there are plenty of things you must have done right while house sitting. The house did not burn down, it was not robbed, the dogs were fed and watered and pottied. The furniture was not destroyed, the walls were not written on in permanent marker. The yard was not dug up. The flowers are still in the ground. The electricity still works, and the water still runs through the pipes. The toilet still flushes.

You did many things correctly. Give you some credit. and remember that nothing we humans do is perfect.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by ruby.lestrange

Scorpio,

I know it can be difficult, but try to be gentler with yourself. You don't deserve all of the abuse you are giving yourself right now. It's OK to mess up sometimes. And taking care of someone's house (and pets) is not easy! Everyone has specific ways they do things, and it's very easy to accidentally miss a few or not do it they way they would themselves.
Sending you a list like that was uncalled for. Did the house burn down? Did the dogs run away? Did you throw out their furniture? I'm guessing not, so I'm sure you did just fine. Try and think of the natures of the people for whom you were house sitting. I suspect that Shez is right and they weren't specific enough, or that their anger was really directed at someone/thing else other than you.
Try to remember to be gentle with yourself, I am sure you did great watching the house and the dogs.

((hug))

The last fight that I had with Bruce (roommate) I am recalling now. He was telling me that I had "been cranky all week" and I told him, "Okay, what did I do that made you think that?" And he goes, "I dunno." I said to him, "Look, how can I change something that i don't even know happened?"

So, many ppl are angry and just spew at us. We don't deserve that.

We also don't deserve to be left wondering all the gd time what we do that's so bad that ppl act out all over us.

thanks again,

Carol

[Scorpio Eyes]

I apparently did 1750 in damages and I have thirty days to pay it back. I have no way of doing so and I'm being threatened with a lawsuit now. Yeah, apparently I'm an awful human being. How the **** did that happen on my watch? How the **** am I going to pay two grand when I have no income, at all? Why don't I kill myself? Seriously. All I do is make everything difficult for everyone else. They know I have no way to pay it back, but I have to find a way to up two thousand in thirty days. Yeah. **** that I didn't even know was wrong, too. I'm not getting through tonight without hurting myself.

[Scorpio Eyes]

Well, I have an interview (yeah, another) tomorrow, and I hope to God I get the job. It's seasonal, but three months is enough. She knows outright I can't do it in thirty days. If I get it, I'll try to convince her to let me pay her over time, with interest. Am I even going to fight this? No. I have no spine and hate fighting. My grandma (whom I live with, since neither of my parents want/"can support me" - yeah, I wonder why. I did 2k damages in a week) said the allegations were ridiculous when I showed them to her and we still have no way to pay it back. My life is in shambles, already. I don't need this. But, God is punishing me, again. Still not sure what I did, though. Why am I having such a strong reaction and freak out to this? I can't explain it. There's no logical reason for it. Why are they? I'm the crazy one, so I can't tell you. I can't eat my stomach is tied in a knot and I want to cry and burn myself. Why does this ******** keep happening to me?

[shezbut]

What kinds of damages are they claiming that you caused? Do recall having any accidents??

WTH are they coming up with these figures, and demands that they be paid back within 30 days? This just does not make any sense to me. I can certainly understand your frustration with yourself and self-hate for not meeting other people's expectations of you...but this just isn't adding up, imo.

Very gentle hugs to you ~ please don't give into the desire to make yourself suffer anymore than you already are. You don't deserve it! (((hugs)))

[notz]

Scorpio Eyes,
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Could you please tone down your posts in regard to cursing? Thanks.

[Scorpio Eyes]

I'm sorry about that Notz. Kind of lost my head there for a bit and stopped warching that.

I have a list Shez. From the same people who were angry that I originally didn't want to do this. I tod them everything I thought happened. Everything I noticed that went wrong. They said I "trashed" the place. I'm near-sighted and constantly fighting off vertigo, but that's a lie. I'm just really upset right now becayse how unreasonable and overreactive everyone is being. I don't handle pressure, criticism, threats, or this kind of hostility well. I avoid conflict for a reason. My everything hurts and I'm kind of freaking out. I overreact myself and have extremely strong emotional reactions to these things, so I'm really out of it. Thanks for all the support, everyone.

[cat333]

Originally Posted by Scorpio Eyes

I'm sorry about that Notz. Kind of lost my head there for a bit and stopped warching that.

I have a list Shez. From the same people who were angry that I originally didn't want to do this. I tod them everything I thought happened. Everything I noticed that went wrong. They said I "trashed" the place. I'm near-sighted and constantly fighting off vertigo, but that's a lie. I'm just really upset right now becayse how unreasonable and overreactive everyone is being. I don't handle pressure, criticism, threats, or this kind of hostility well. I avoid conflict for a reason. My everything hurts and I'm kind of freaking out. I overreact myself and have extremely strong emotional reactions to these things, so I'm really out of it. Thanks for all the support, everyone.

First of all, do these people have pictures with dates, or a nanny cam, or finger prints? Do they have a police report? If they don't, can they really prove you did anything. I hope that the judge will be an AMERICAN and stand up for your right to be innocent until proven guilty!

I would say, DO NOT pay them a dime, because that is an admission of guilt. Make them fight you on this because they may be taken advantage of your vulnerability! You have the right to a court appointed attorney if you can't afford one, or find one who will work for you on contingency. I wish you the best!!!